Broke NC again- cold closure..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Broke NC again- cold closure..
14
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 6:37am

Hi all



I know I am going to get roused on, and I am ok with that, but I'll tell you what happened.



Basically he fished, I responded! Far out I didnt get how easy it was to open a floodgate. His text was cold and brief-

You are what you consistently do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 7:10am

Hi Iggy -

I'm glad you are feeling stronger, BUT the other feelings (the sticky, gooey, sappy ones that surface when you are missing fantasy man) WILL come back. Just a word of warning! (IAIM, I hope you are reading this too) You are still giving XAP power and control over your life. What would you be feeling now if the conversation would have gone differently? I know this one was all about sex and it disgusted you, but what about next time - if he "ups his game" and tells you how much he misses you and how wrong he was to only want sex from you? Part of what you are feeling is still the "drug" of attention. Back in July when my XAP was at the height of stalking me in his car - it pissed me off. It scared me. I felt tremendous anxiety. I thought, how dare you? And it made me feel justified that I had done the right thing by ending it. But do you know what? I still have to fight the feelings of missing him and wanting him to hold me.

Like I said, I'm very glad you feel stronger - use that strength to propel you forward. And no more contact - you are playing with fire that you don't want to play with :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 8:03am

Dear Iggy,

Bohdi did a great job of responding to you. And please don't apologize to us Iggy; you're the one who has to work through the crap when you break NC.

I just wanted to add, that after we initiate NC, we are the ones that go on to hurt ourselves. He couldn't have hurt you if you hadn't let him (back in). No one here wants to burst your bubble, but like Bohdi said (and many here have experienced), the sense of closure you feel now will be short lived.

Iggy you have been working so very hard at this ending; no doubt. B BUT remember that NC isn't something you can do half a$$ed - it is a mindset as much as actions taken. Continuing to be all gaga over him, while knowing that the affair needed to end, does nothing to help you move on. This is about getting REAL iggy. He was a man who was having an affair and you were both using one another for cheap feel goods. What more is there to know/say? What is so charming about that? Expressing words of Love blinds all involved to the seediness of the whole darn charade.

You must also think carefully over your actions that lead to the breaking of NC again. You fished a week ago, and have posted that you have been waiting for contact from him ever since. Checking email and texts:

"Im so hurt that he hasnt contacted me- I know he has been hurt and is angry. But I left the door open! The fact that he wont open the door is really fckg hurtful but I guess indicates that the A really was over."

... so how then was this a surprise. If you haven't blocked him from every possible route of contact, then you are consciously leaving the door open waiting for him to walk through it. You were longing for contact. As you said, pinning away for him. BLOCK HIM! Stop the madness - free yourself.

We have post after post here about how things 'go down' when no contact is broken, and you yourself just posted about the lies and more lies that are told during/after an affair. Look at the time this all took - how many moments did you have the opportunity to make a CHOICE to end communication:

"Basically he fished, I responded!"

"I didnt even think about NC- it was so unexpected to get a text from him that I just responded, I said 'you too'.'

"I sat, I seethed, seethed more, seeeeeeeeethed more... and it began."

"Anyway we ended up talking (I KNOW!) But it was ok"

** breaking NC did not just happen - this contact unfolded over time. You held on hoping to hear what you wanted to hear, something to make you feel worthy, loved and valuable. He can't give that to you. But you ARE all of those things Iggy. WE appreciate you. WE see your value and worth. WE care about YOU!

"He couldnt spend 10mins responding to my soul-stretching email the day I ended it"

Iggy, this wouldn't have done you any good - can you see that? He can't bring you closure. He can't bring YOU closure. It is worth repeating. You have to want this, and the goods to make that happen are inside YOU.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 9:57am

Iggy,

TU Bodhi and I have been on this board long enough to see the hi's and low's of breaking contact and its affects at your stage in the ending process...it always feels good initially, you get to say somethings, you see him for what he is....all of that. we have seen it. I am hoping it does not hit your later.

My exAp has gone so far to fish by leaving me mail in my mailbox. It did not affect me the first couple of days but after a few he was on my mind more than usual. I was 9 months out at the time. luckily I had time underneath my belt and I did not falter. That and my RL kicked in...

My point is...this man clearly cares little for you. I am not saying that to be hurtful, it should be obvious by his actions.

Everything TU said is completely true. You left the door open and he took advantage of it. You were waiting for this. You repeatedly romanticized the A. We would set you straight but it was for you see. Hopefully today is your day to truly see and let it be done....not done until he fishes again. But DONE.
You hold all the cards....time you start really playing them to win your life back

We are here to support you.

And in case you did not know....most exAP's will normally have simple sex with you forever, as long as you be a good girl and never, ever talk about feelings or love or relationships...just give him their candy and they are good. They can view as objects and not humans. Please keep that in mind...

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:12am

Iggy,



Coming here and telling us of your goof up took courage, so I am not going to get into your face over it. I am pretty sure you got more than you bargained for once you started your exchange. Let this be a lesson learned that no good comes from fishing on either end. Our expectations are usually shattered within moments of taking a toke of the A drug, thinking this is the fix you've been waiting

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:21am

Hi iggy,
there is no way i'd ever rag on you because i've broken NC a million times. many of us have. you clearly learned your lesson anyway, so you dont need us to tell you why you should have ignored his fishing.

i also want to tell you that you are not alone. my xAP fishes like crazy and it certainly makes NC harder to maintain.

i like iddy's analogy of affairs to downsizing in an office. the AP will try to hold on to a piece of you in any way he can, so if he can downgrade to an EA, he will take it, if it means not having to let go. you are the one displaying courage by making this profound change in your life.

one thing that struck me about your post was that you said you didn't even think about NC, you just responded. being in an A, after some time, becomes habit and second nature. you just lie more naturally than you tell the truth. you prioritize AP without even realizing it. so now, as you disentangle yourself from him, it is time to develop new habits. NC can become that habit. the more you ignore, the more confidence you will have that you CAN ignore. at some point, deleting will become as natural as responding. work up to that point.

lastly, you mentioned that this NC break was a real wake up call. i understand the important of a wake up call to jolt us to reality. my last attempt at breaking NC involved having lunch w/ AP at his house, and basically having a mini d-day when his wife walked in. although we were doing anything but sitting at the table, to her, it made no difference. she threatened to call the police on me for trespassing, and she certainly wailed on AP. point is, that was MY wake up call, my proof that if i continued breaking NC it would just get worse and worse every time. i know that i needed that extreme wake up to force me to stick to NC. hopefully this will be yours. re start the clock, remember the pain you experienced and keep going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 10:55am

Iggy, we have all broken contact at one point or another, I'm sure.



The important thing is, we learn from our mistakes and move on.

Garfy


NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...


Fate d

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:24am

Hi Iggy- I may have missed this, but why isn' the blocked?



Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 11:27am

IMGS,



I know what you mean about in a way it being a relief - the second time he fished - I did something along the same lines - and it was interesting to hear him without all that fog in my ears - there is something to be said for seeing what they really want.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 6:42am

Hi all



Well the day after breaking NC is an eye opener isnt it? Where is the EAS guide book?



I have so

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 9:30am

My Dear Iggy,



Confession time:



I *did* reduce myself to having a FWB relationship after I had ended it the 2nd time. I was actually the one who suggested it, thinking I could handle it...no sweat...and where would it really be any different than what we had in the beginning? At least I convinced myself there was no difference. The A proceeded on for another 2.5 years with him coming over once a week for his weekly tune-up.



I didn't have the benefit or knowledge of this board yet. As I have written many times, I didn't even know boards like this existed

   ~Iddy~ 


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