Broke NC and the aftermath of ema....
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| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:14am |
I've come to see how I used the ema to avoid all the pain in the marriage....the abuse, the loneliness, the hurt, the isolation. I've come to see how much I've hurt myself by being in an affair, and how I've just added to my pain (like I needed anymore?) I've come to see how my husband left me so deficient as a person, as a woman....because of the emotional/psychological abuse. I think for a bit, it made me kinda delusional....esp. with exMM.
The hardest thing for me to overcome, still...and probably for a while, is that when I first met exMM, I fell for him...I can't explain it sufficiently...other than it was the internal "knowing". I know it sounds stupid and romantic and all.....and I never can say that I believed or understood people when they said "when I met so-and-so, I just knew that he/she would be my husband/wife". In fact, I thought they were full of crap, to be honest....and hopelessly romantic. Yet, when I met him....I knew instantly what they meant. And I think that if I had a choice, he would be FAR from what I would have chosen....older, balding, married, with 4 kids.
But my mistake came in thinking that anything that I felt made a lick of difference. I honestly thought, that had I ever met anyone that had that effect on me...that it would mean something. We are both married (and I'm ending mine very soon...), he had no intent to ever leave his 25 year marriage...but wanted to be friends with me. I played along, but I know that deep down, I was in deep with this man, and I think that I thought he was too....but he wasn't. I keep torturing myself now by wondering if I was just a middle aged folly for him. I wonder if he laughs at what a fool I made of myself over the past 2.5 years, falling all over myself for him. I wonder if he sits in the bars, having beers with friends, and talks about me in a boastful way. But then again...this doesn't SEEM like him, but then, what did I ever really know about him?
My h destroyed 3/4's of my heart.....the remaining 1/4 was the romantic ideals and notions I continued to doggedly believe in. I lost that 1/4 through my relationship with exMM. What I felt for exMM was nothing more than feelings....but that is not what love is. I've come to see that what exMM is doing and what so many other people seem to be doing, is the true work of love....of staying committed to a marriage to a person that may not be your first choice, but working at it to the point where they can be friends, working on himself to bring his own happiness and not to expect that from his wife, to accept the flaws and limitations of the other---since we all have flaws and limitations, to work towards common goals.
Today, I'm faced with the loss of 2 vital relationships in my life...one really bad, one that I thought was good, but turned out to not be based in reality. And, boy, am I on an emotional rollercoaster and I'm here just whining, crying and trying to make sense of it all.....
My exMM has been the very first thought in the morning, the last thought in the evening, and a running thought throughout the day.....since August 15, 2001. That's just way too long to devote to something that will just never be. I've been to 2 therapists to try to figure out this "obsessiveness"...and I've just come to the conclusions that its within me to figure it all out. I can pay as many people as I want, but the answer lies within me.
I just wonder if people ever have that experience of falling in love at first sight, twice in their life.....or if its a one shot deal.
dharma

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I feel so bad for you having had to go through everything that you have had to. I'm a little curious as to your situation with your exMM, did he ever claim that he had similar feelings going on for you, or did he ever tell you that he was going to leave his family for you? Why I am asking is because I find myself in very similar circumstances, with just about as much time invested and am starting to wonder if I'm just keeping this fools game going.
Debbie
your post has really touched me because your situation and your feelings are somewhat similar to mine. My H has been psychologically/emotionally abusive over the years, and it really left me ripe for the picking so to speak. I was definitely "deficient" as you put it, and having the A really left me with more hurt and problems.
Maybe we obsess because to think about what is really going in our lives is too painful. I'm not sure, but I hate that XOM is still an "issue". Just last night I was dreaming about him and woke up "out of sorts". He is now invading my sleep...the one place I thought was safe and could escape to.
Going through a divorce was just too painful for me. I went as far as seeing a lawyer. I just couldn't do it, and I am not ready to now. I have "settled" and it is so sad that a woman like me has to do that. However, marrying XOM would not have been the answer either, and I am happy that things are the way that they are now. I am content thinking that no man will ever have my heart again. Loving has just taken too much out of me, it almost has left me for dead.
Jazzdiva
I've been thinking about you and looking for your posts. I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. Please know that we are all praying for you. You are a very strong woman, and you will find love again. It may not be love at first sight, but I think real love takes longer to develop anyway. That's the kind of love you need and deserve.
Take care of yourself and your kids, and keep us posted.
Thanks for your response....I'm hitting a low...but I guess that can be expected at this time in my life.
As to your questions about my exMM: Did he ever tell me he had the same feelings for me? No. We met in August 2001....we were on a week conference together. When we got back to town, I found a way to keep in touch with him....we went out in 10/01 for beers--and later that night I wrote him an email telling him that I had fallen for him--not exactly like that--but he got the drift. He said we needed to meet right away, and met again a few days later. He said he was NOT interested in an affair...he found me attractive and nice...but he wasn't willing to go down that road...BUT, he really liked me and wanted my friendship, but that was as far as it would get. I agreed.
We emailed each other daily for the next couple of months...and I fell deeper--and despite of what he told me, I really *thought* that he thought otherwise because of the frequency of emails. We met around Xmas time 2001--I asked him if a) he loved his wife and b)did he plan on being with her forever. He said that after 25 years, there were qualities that he loved about his wife (but he never said he loved her) and despite feeling like packing his bags frequently, he did not plan on leaving his wife. My response? I kissed him. Why? I dunno...blame the Molson's? (ok, lame excuse). It was great, it was passionate...and no, he didn't resist it.
Shortly thereafter, I went into NC for 3 months...found a therapist, started yoga and tried to figure out what was going on. Unfortunately, during those 3 months...just fed the monster. By the time we were back in contact 3/02, I was full blown into him....we again, started the daily emails...his wife went to bed at 9 pm and we would email each other, back and forth, constantly. (he refused to IM). There was never any professions of love for each other...but it got deep once in a while. Come 4/02...it was too deep he requested meeting...and he said it has to end, that HE was getting in too deep and didn't forsee a good ending to it...and these things are always found out. We also had our first IC that night....the next day he officially ended it with an email.
I didn't know what to do...my friend, my very intimate friend was gone. And I thought I would lose my mind. I emailed him monthly....and when I finally was "ready" to let go, he sent me a meditation tape---which freaked me out. I got through that...and then a month later, I was ready to "let go" again....this time he sent me Khalil Gibran's The Prophet.....again, I got freaked out. In retrospective...knowing who he is...he really meant for these items to help me along, not a way of keeping me sucked in, but at the time I attached more meaning to them.
I then badgered him to email me...which he eventually relented (and later told me, that "I kept writing to him", ie..I wore him down). We began to email each other, but with boundaries. Sure enough, I blurred those boundaries again. We began to meet for tea during the day. Occasionally for beers in the evening. Never did I speak of my feelings for him; nor did he his. A lot of it was just my *thinking* how he felt.
Looking back...I'm sure I was a BIG ego boost for him--I mean I am 16 years younger then him and he hit 50 in 2002...so I'm sure he was in the mid-life thing, too. He said in recent months that he had NO intention of leaving his wife, EVER. I said I didn't expect him to, AND (gasp!) even tried to convince him to have an affair, since his needs were going unmet at home. We had IC several times, but it was met with guilt and angst--it was great and horrible at the same time.
I can't blame him for anything....he told me straight up that he wanted friendship, nothing more...but I kept pushing it. Had I left it alone, we could've been good friends. I could just never resolve how to get past that feeling of having fallen in love with him. I think I kept thinking if I pushed it, he would finally see "it" and things would be different. But we all know how this story ends......I finally see reality, in a not so pleasant way. Again, he was never cruel or mean or deceitful. He never spoke poorly of his wife (only that he married her because she got pregnant).
The relationship was NEVER going to be what I wanted it to be...and I began to see that if I had ANY feelings of "love" for this man, I would have to love him unconditionally...and that meant letting him go, for good. I was "loving" him in a very selfish, controlling way, as if he was a possession of mine to keep or to covet. What I also realized was the extreme pain it had caused me for over 2 years...and that is never an indicator of a loving relationship. Pain means somethings wrong....very wrong.
So, now I sit and wonder....what his true, if any, feelings for me where. I wonder if he misses me or even thinks about me, other than in passing. What I do know, is that I waste TOO MUCH time thinking of these things....when in reality, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what he thinks or feels.
dharma
Ok, your post made me bust out crying....as if I'm not doing that enough these days. (lol). I *know* the pain you feel from both relationships....like you, I feel like I *am* dead inside...but I'm plugging forward. Filing for divorce is the SCARIEST thing for me to do, but deep down, I KNOW its the right decision. There is this small little kernal of "fight" left in me, just barely, that is kicking in my survival mechanism. My h is in an EXTREME amount of pain right now, and it hurts me to no end to see him in pain, but yet he paved this road, brick by brick. I can't ever get back to where we once were, and we were NEVER in a good space. Its just done....and I'm done with his controlling ways--it took everything out of me. You comment about never having a man having your heart again...I *tried* to do that...but it was making me angry, bitter, jaded and critical. I always believed that being bitter is a choice--and by staying in the marriage, I was CHOOSING to be bitter and angry. I just don't want to be there anymore. I don't want any relationship anymore. I just want to be left alone.
Oh, and the dream thing....gosh, I HATE those too...its so painful when you wake up and realize that it was just a dream.
big hugs to you scu....its a tough row we have to hoe from time to time.
dharma
Thanks for your kind words....I just hope I can continue on this path...its just so hard sometimes.
dharma
I think obsession has to do with relationships with high stakes and ones that made us feel both good and bad. I think there are some people in this world we will never forget.
I really understand what you mean about mourning 2 relationships. That is where i have been for months: losing XMM and trying to decide if i should divorce my husband. (My H also had an affair this past summer/early fall as he tried to reach out to someone to try and understand what the hell was going on with me--as i fell into depression when I finally understood I could not have the man (My XMM) that i loved. I told him once: I want everything about you and i can have nothing. I want to go to the movies with you and drink beer and eat kettle corn at a football game and i can't. I want to kneel and pray with you at church. I used to fantasize that our 4 handsome sons would grow up together in one big house. My XMM was everything i ever wanted (problems and all). I found him and then i couldn't have him.
I have had the chance to divorce my H--he has recently opened the door twice for me and i have chosen not to walk through that door. He had his own emotional affair and he lied to me and borrowed 25,000 a few years ago and then tried to cover it up by selling stocks in February, which i accidentally discovered by opening what i thought was junk mail. My girlfriends say I am "settling" again, and I guess i am. I just can't bare the thought of not being with my two beautiful sons every day. I did call a lawyer too, but didn't have the heart to go through with it.
I really like Liz Phair the singer. There is a song she sings called "Friend of Mine" which reminds me greatly of my XMM. There is a line in the song that goes: I don't have the heart, for one more false start in life. . . and i guess that is how i feel. Maybe that is how you feel too. All of it has taken so much out of me.
Clarice
I guess we should have handled our marriage problems and made decisions BEFORE having an A and including someone else in the mess. The thing is I felt then and I feel now that I do not have that many choices. Divorce for me is a fall from grace. Yes, there are worse things that could happen to a person, but I never really thought of it as an option. I come from a very traditional family where noone is divorced. I live in the upper class suburbs where noone seems to be divorced. I guess it is too expensive..lol. That is not to say that I wouldn't do it but what it comes down to are my children. I have beautiful boys and I know that they are worth anything that I have to endure. And like my therapist keeps reminding me, you made a decision to stay for now. That doesn't mean that I am going to be in this position forever. Children grow Clarice.
I am not anti-divorce, and i know that there are women out there who have no regrets about leaving their husbands....I just made the best decision for me. clarice, after you make the decision then a peace comes over you. Get out of the limbo stage. It is not easy, but I feel comfortable now whereas before my life was just chaos.
If you left your husband for XMM, who is to say that you would be happy. Affairs are fantasy, remember? Not real relationships. I have come to see sides of XOM that are ugly and not what I want in a husband. Do i really want to go through another bad marriage? I don't think so. If I get divorced it isn't for XOM, I am really content with being alone.
When you start feeling sad and regretting not leaving your H, I want you to go back to that ugly place you were last summer when you found out about H and the OW. REmember what a panic you were in? That you were going to lose your family?????
Having the stable home life and the lover is not going to work. You are torturing yourself. Make a decision and then start focusing on yourself.
hugs
Jazzdiva
I saw your post on Surviving divorce and recognized your name from here. I wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you are going through. I used to post here. I was involved with a single OM - and as soon as I filed for divorce OM started backpeddling and apparently replaced me - we broke things off with an agreement to get back together when divorce was final (his excuse to breakup was stress from my divorce) - he then got engaged a month later. THEN I got to go through my husband who immediately moved in with another woman 90 miles away!
In the end I ended with with NEITHER guy. BUT - You know what as devistated as I was - I couldnt be happier now!!
It gets easier- it does.
I too have kids- twin boys age 8.
HUGS!!
racychk30
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