Broke NC and the aftermath of ema....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Broke NC and the aftermath of ema....
16
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:14am
But the broken nc is not what you would expect...it wasn't a "I miss you, I need you" type of thing. My exMM is a lawyer and since I was about to file for divorce, I had some major questions about the legal process. I tried like crazy to search out the answers myself or through friends, to no avail...so I turned to him last. He was able to secured the information and was willing to send it to my home....this was all done via email. But yesterday, I had an appointment with my lawyer by his office and I called (after many of minutes of debating whether or not I should...worried he wouldn't take my call) and asked if he could run the information down to me. He said he couldn't...had lots of meetings, but he would leave it with his secretary. So, I went to his office (for the first and only time) and picked up the package....after I filed for divorce from my husband. It was very matter of fact...no drama.

I've come to see how I used the ema to avoid all the pain in the marriage....the abuse, the loneliness, the hurt, the isolation. I've come to see how much I've hurt myself by being in an affair, and how I've just added to my pain (like I needed anymore?) I've come to see how my husband left me so deficient as a person, as a woman....because of the emotional/psychological abuse. I think for a bit, it made me kinda delusional....esp. with exMM.

The hardest thing for me to overcome, still...and probably for a while, is that when I first met exMM, I fell for him...I can't explain it sufficiently...other than it was the internal "knowing". I know it sounds stupid and romantic and all.....and I never can say that I believed or understood people when they said "when I met so-and-so, I just knew that he/she would be my husband/wife". In fact, I thought they were full of crap, to be honest....and hopelessly romantic. Yet, when I met him....I knew instantly what they meant. And I think that if I had a choice, he would be FAR from what I would have chosen....older, balding, married, with 4 kids.

But my mistake came in thinking that anything that I felt made a lick of difference. I honestly thought, that had I ever met anyone that had that effect on me...that it would mean something. We are both married (and I'm ending mine very soon...), he had no intent to ever leave his 25 year marriage...but wanted to be friends with me. I played along, but I know that deep down, I was in deep with this man, and I think that I thought he was too....but he wasn't. I keep torturing myself now by wondering if I was just a middle aged folly for him. I wonder if he laughs at what a fool I made of myself over the past 2.5 years, falling all over myself for him. I wonder if he sits in the bars, having beers with friends, and talks about me in a boastful way. But then again...this doesn't SEEM like him, but then, what did I ever really know about him?

My h destroyed 3/4's of my heart.....the remaining 1/4 was the romantic ideals and notions I continued to doggedly believe in. I lost that 1/4 through my relationship with exMM. What I felt for exMM was nothing more than feelings....but that is not what love is. I've come to see that what exMM is doing and what so many other people seem to be doing, is the true work of love....of staying committed to a marriage to a person that may not be your first choice, but working at it to the point where they can be friends, working on himself to bring his own happiness and not to expect that from his wife, to accept the flaws and limitations of the other---since we all have flaws and limitations, to work towards common goals.

Today, I'm faced with the loss of 2 vital relationships in my life...one really bad, one that I thought was good, but turned out to not be based in reality. And, boy, am I on an emotional rollercoaster and I'm here just whining, crying and trying to make sense of it all.....

My exMM has been the very first thought in the morning, the last thought in the evening, and a running thought throughout the day.....since August 15, 2001. That's just way too long to devote to something that will just never be. I've been to 2 therapists to try to figure out this "obsessiveness"...and I've just come to the conclusions that its within me to figure it all out. I can pay as many people as I want, but the answer lies within me.

I just wonder if people ever have that experience of falling in love at first sight, twice in their life.....or if its a one shot deal.

dharma

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 5:42pm
Oh hugs, Dharma, honey. I know you're having a very rough time of it right now (I see you on another board in cyber world). What a day! I just wanted to send some totally unconditional love your way. You do deserve much better than what life has been handing you, and now you go out and hunt it down, girl! All prayers and positive thoughts coming your way from me!

In response to your "wonder," I only felt love at first sight with OMM. I actually hated my H when we first met in a college lecture hall. I thought he was a narcissist when I first laid eyes on him, and hoho!, the years went on to prove me correct. All water under the bridge now, anyhow. I didn't actually feel love at first sight with OMM, it was more like love within a very short time. He knocked me off my feet. On the other hand, H and I were friends and study partners long before there was any romantic involvement.

I'll be looking for updates from ya, girl!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:16am
Racychk~

Thank you for your response. Right now, I'm having to deal with the grief and loss of two relationships...and its hard, gut wrenching work, but it needs to be done. I believe you when you say it gets easier...because many people are telling me that...but right now it just seems like an insurmountable mountain. But I'm taking it one step at a time.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:12am
Momesqu~

I saw your post on the other board, and was happy for you but sad to see you go. It sounds like you have come far...and keep working those steps, girl....they sound like they are having a powerful effect on you. One day at a time. ;-)

I'm all over the road these days...up and down, the filing of divorce, the abuse issues, trying to find employment, completing my last Masters course...I swear I'm having a breakdown somedays...lol. But I keep plugging forward....somehow.

I have to admit, though, that I broke down and emailed him the other day, when I was at one of my lowest points. Again, I didn't do the whole "drama" thing and said that I missed him. Instead, I just told him that I was having an extremely hard time with everything and just asked him to pray for me, to give me strength to go through with the process of divorce...and I didn't expect him to reply. Before I became "delusional" about him, he was my friend that carried me through some hard times in my marriage, most of the time without even knowing it.

Of course, I checked my email and there was no reply from him. So, I went to bed, crying, feeling pathetic and sorry for myself. The next morning, however, I woke up and felt much calmer and more settled about everything....the most calm I had felt in weeks. Later, when I opened my email...there were two messages from him...one saying that of course he would pray for me. And the second, giving me the names of counseling agencies that deal with domestic abuse (he probably forgot that I have been in dv counseling since September '03) and that I would probably find a lot of support with women going through the same process.

So, maybe that's why I felt calm...maybe it was just a good night sleep. I know that it was a "shot in the arm" he gave me...but I just needed it then. I see the relationship in a much more different light these days....and I firmly believe that without him, I would not be where I am today....he was meant to come in my life to kind of give me that "push" that I needed to get out. And I realize, too, that if I ever had feelings of "love" for him, I need to "love" him unconditionally...and that means letting him go and be in the place where he is happiest, and probably always was.

Hope to see you around, and hear updates from you as well!

{{hugs}}

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 12:23pm
Dharma:

I have been exactly where you are. I, too, got divorced (separated from H a year after my affair started). A year after that, my MM separated from his wife and moved in with me for eight months... be careful what you wish for. It didn't go so well because both of us were mourning the loss of our marriages and it was a bad mix. Well, my MM chickened out and moved back in with the comfort that 'settling' brings. Unlike your MM, my MM *has said* all along that he was leaving his bad marriage. He just never had the guts to fully do it in the end.

So, here I sit too... no marriage, no MM. I have spent the last few years mourning both losses (married 13yrs... affair for 5 years now :(

My whole life is very lonely at this point. I'm sure that many people may say I deserve to be lonely. I, too, have had a hard adult life. My XH was verbally so critical and kind of abusive (ok, I think I'm probably minimizing the situation here :) At one time, I loved him soooo much... it just wasn't really returned. Enter MM and the rest, as they say, is history. Looking back, I believe MM came into my life for a reason. *He* got me off my butt and out of a bad marriage. He never encouraged me to leave. It was just that he was a very big bandaid and shot of novicaine to get me through the dark days. I don't think I would have left without that 'false hope' out there of a better life. As it was, it was soooooo scary. But, I did it (4 years ago this month. Officially divorced last summer). Despite my loneliness, I'm pretty sure that I'm better off. I get to be me now. Being a single mother isn't easy - but, you do what you have to do. Now that I think of it, I *know* I'm better off... because I have hope that one day I will be happy. If I stayed in my dead, oppressive marriage instead, I would have *certainly* been unhappy. You have hope now too.

I love these lyrics and think about them often when I hurt...

****

And did they get you to trade

Your heros for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

****

We picked the walk on part in the war...my MM picked the cage. Take care of you.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:34pm


Hmmmmm Pink Floyd?

I am so sorry to read the outcome of your story. As I've toyed with the possibility of leaving my husband to be with my OM and I've commented that "I'm scared". Scared of what OM asks. Scared to death I guess that a new relationship might not work out and I'd lose everybody. It just sounds so dreamy when he speaks of it, and frightening when I speak of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:09pm
Elf:

Yes, Pink Floyd. That song reminds me so much of my affair, my MM and me. Leaving any secure relationship, no matter how unhealthy it may be, is usually frightening. I split from my XH because somewhere ,very deep-down, I knew that I had to get out and was unhappy. I also split because I knew that I could never in a million years exist in my marriage once I had scortched the earth by having an affair. It was like the whole 'forbidden apple' thing. It opened my eyes to how sad my marriage was, how I didn't marry a person that I really wanted, how critical my XH was of me, and how I was too involved in trying to solve all of my XH's personal/medical problems that I never created a life of my own. My married life sucked so bad and I had no interest in fixing it.

Did I ever believe in a moment that my MM wouldn't follow suit? No, I was much to arrogant (looking back in hindsight). When I want something, I usually work until I get it. Not this time - I realized no one can 'have' someone else. If I knew that I would end up alone in the end, would I have left my marriage? Probably not because I would have been too scared. Was it the best thing that happened to me anyway... Definitely, without a doubt. I have grown so much in the past 5 years. Had I stayed with the secure thing (my marriage), I would have been selling myself down the river. I am who I am now because of all my choices. Maybe some day, I can be a decent partner in a healthy relationship. I am hopeful anyway.

In your situation, I think you need to figure out whether you are in or out of your marriage (emotionally). If you are out, do you have any interest in getting back in it? I didn't - you may. My MM was a huge factor in my deciding to split with XH (along with things getting so bad in my marriage that XH threatened to leave me one too many times and I finally said, "GO"). Once my XH left our house, I knew that I would never let him come back... I never did. Looking back on the whole drama, my MM never should have been the slightest factor in my marriage decisions. That route would have been the healthy route. We don't always go the healthy, easiest route. I got to the same place, none the less.

There are so many people stuck in bad marriages out there that just deal with it. My non-scientific and cynical guess is of the 50% of marriages that stay together, one-third stay for comfort and security, one-third stay because of the kids, and one-third stay because they are actually really happy with their spouse. That's a lot of people sticking around for reasons other than love. I personally couldn't do it. But, then again, I kind of accidently got out. It was scary when I was doing it - in retrospect, it wasn't that hard most of the time. I just lived day to day like anyone else. I still do.

You sound like you have some thinking to do. My advice is to never leave for someone else. Like I said before, I was very naive when I was getting out of my marriage. I realized something so obvious - You have absolutely no control over the other person. That was where my plan failed. What if my MM or XH had been hit by a truck? (knock on wood here)... I would have had no one then either. My point is, unfortunately, nothing is for certain - including your significant other. To build your life around that premise is the thing that should be scary... that you cling to security that doesn't really exist anyway, no matter how unhappy you are. I did just that scary thing. I was like a child - toddling from the safety of one set of arms for the safety of another. My own ignorance in doing that forced me into a situation where I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet. I figured most of it out along the way. I can't even remember the person I was in my marriage. It seems so distant now. But, I no longer have any fear of being alone and whether I can manage my life just fine. That frame of mind is empowering. I really think this was a necessary step for me in my life... it just wasn't my intention that it happened the way it did.

I am definitely not advocating that you leave your H. I am not suggesting that you stay either. I am saying that you should not lean on another person to make your decisions easier... because in the end, that support may not be there. All I could do was pray, once I found myself tossed out into the wind. I actually tossed myself into the wind - but I came out on my own and it happened just the way it should. Your situation will turn out just fine too - whatever that may be.

Bird

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