Broke NC and really upset with myself :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
Broke NC and really upset with myself :-(
50
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 1:44pm

Why am I having such a hard time with this???

It's over and yet I feel like I can't move on. My A lasted on and off for about 7 years, so it really is very difficult for me to just pretend it never happened and not fall off the wagon from time to time.

It's not even him I am worried about breaking NC. It's ME!!!! It's always me who calls after a few weeks, and when I hear his vm pick up I hang up. He knows it's me even though I call him Restricted.

I have been in therapy for over a year now and while it helps and I love my sessions because it helps me vent, but than here I am a year later and still don't feel "healed". I have gone to many therapists in the past too until I finally found this particular shrink.

They say A's an addiction, so than why do women have a harder time with this? I don't see a message board dedicated to only men venting about their A's.

I go a few weeks tops with NC, than I can't stop thinking about him, I wonder why HE isn't making an attempt to call me, why he is having an easier time with this than I am, etc.

About 6 weeks ago I broke NC. He didn't call me back right away, he is an ego maniac, so he likes to play games. But eventually he did text me and said he knew it was me calling him all those times Restricted. We didn't meet because he eventually brought up about our last fight how I said some things to him that he couldn't get over, blah, blah, blah.

Eventually after texting back and forth for weeks we met up. I told him that my job was relocating and he didn't even seem that concerned. I knew that when that happened it would put an end to the A for good. I mean, it would be harder to see each other now that I am further away and VERY slim chance to even bump into him.

And gradually that is exactly what happened. Literally 2 weeks before my job relocated he already started getting distant with me. And then the day I moved he didn't even give Jack s**t to even ask me how the new place is. And of course we had a huge fight over it, he treated me like crap, and then he said this is just too much for him to deal with (i.e. me) and that he is done and not to worry about him ever calling me again.

So, that was close to 2 weeks ago. I was doing "fine" until today when I broke NC. Don't ask me WHY either! I should KNOW by now that nothing good will ever come out of it. He will either ignore me (which is exactly what happened) or IF by a slim chance he does write back he will just go off on me.

And yet, whenever HE contacted me in the past after a few months of NC I always responded. WHY???? That really pisses me off why I am soooo WEAK, yet he has no problem ignoring me when I break NC on my end.

So, tell me something. Does one ever heal after an A??? I am in therapy, I am doing endless hobbies, keeping busy, you name it. And in the end I still can't get this a**hole out of my mind :-(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 1:54pm

Are you looking to end your affair? I am confused. This is not a venting board about affairs, but about taking accountability and responsibility for our destructive behaviors. Your post reads like a temper tantrum because you are not getting what you want out of this affair. It is full of attention seeking thoughts & behavior patterns.

No one is asking you to pretend that this didn't happen ... in fact just the opposite. You DID enter into, and engage for many years in an affair, and forgetting about it would be to dismiss the reasons why you behaved the way you did. The same is true for pretending the other person has died - that's missing the point completely. Ending an affair is for the exact reason you listed: NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER COME OUT OF IT.

I suggest that perhaps this therapist isn't a good match. You shouldn't have spent a year venting - in fact, any therapist worth their payment should be focusing on you and your choices only, and not giving you air time to vent about your affair. The affair is the symptom, not the cause of this perpetually self-destructive choice.

Have you "worked" the board? What actions are you taking to END your affair? Have you BLOCKED him? Throw away your cell, get off facebook, delete email accounts ... do WHATEVER it takes!

"And yet, whenever HE contacted me in the past after a few months of NC I always responded. WHY???"

If he is contacting you, and you are responding, that is not NC.

He is even saying to never contact him again ... continuing to fish for his attention, to go after the attention of someone who doesn't want you, is SELF-HARMING.

Please stop hurting yourself,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 2:14pm

TU, I love what you wrote.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 3:11pm

TU~WOW! Excuse me while I get some ice on my butt cheeks. Ouch!

The worst someone can do is when you are down you stomp over them even more. I am sorry but your response did just that.

As far as I know this board is not just about what YOU described. It's a support board, which CAN include; venting, ranting, rambling, anger, hurting, etc.

I have been trying to end my A for the longest and just like any addict you DO fall off the wagon from time to time.

My A didn't just last for a few months, so it's a little harder for me to walk away. I don't know your situation, but sounds like you have it all figured out, don't you? I guess that's why you are still on this board than because you are so over your A!?

So, if you don't like what I said, you don't have to respond. I have been on these message boards longer than you think, so I have seen it all. I have even seen people being turned away from both EAS and MAS boards because when they posted on EAS about the xMM dumping them, they were told to go to EAS which would suit them better. Then when they came here to post about their situation, they got turned away because they dared to still be in contact with the xMM.

Everyone's situation is different. When I go the shrink, yeah, I go there sometimes to vent, sometimes to cry, sometimes to ask him the WHY's, etc. Sorry if you couldn't sympathize with my situation by being insensitive! And quite frankly what everyone's reasons for going to therapy or to a specific therapist is THEIR reasons or why they go there, what they talk about, etc.

Heck, therapy isn't just a one time deal. I know some people who have been going since childhood for all sorts of reasons.

And how dare you tell me that my post "reads like a temper tantrum because you are not getting what you want out of this affair".

As far as you telling me which therapists I should go to. Are you an expert with a PhD??? I have gone to about 7+ other shrinks in the past and one was worst than the other. I felt more depressed after those sessions that anything else. But quite frankly it's none of your business WHY I choose this therapist and you suggesting it's not a good match.

Yeah, I had therapists who spent weeks on drilling me about my childhood "Was I molested?" "Was I beaten?" blah, blah, blah and the answers to all was NO! I don't come from a f**** up family and they have NOTHING to do with MY problems or my choices. Yes, I have heard this here before that anyone in an A it has to do with our childhood. Yeah, like EVERYONE entering in an A is screwed up and has to do with their childhood, or we have low self-esteem, we don't love ourselves, because than we have a whole lot of people with issues walking around.

Everyone's reasons for entering an A differs. Some start one for sex, for emotional reasons, boredom, lack of passion, the H or W being abusive at home, SW not wanting a comittment and seeks out a MM, etc.

You really don't know my situation but you went ahead and just lectured me left and right. I have said this before here, even when I blocked him, the problem wasn't HIM breaking NC, it was ME! So, you see blocking him really is no use for ME when I was the one who broke NC.


Princess~ I appreciate your comments, but like you said it too, we really aren't that far apart with our situations. You are on day 5 of NC, which really isn't a whole lot. I also bet that you have broke NC or vs. a few times for whatever reasons. Correct?

What TU said it's basically a slap in the face for me that anyone who ever broke NC should just get lost here because we don't wanna hear your venting.

You know, if someone had a bad day and they said they needed to just let it out, the worst you can do to them is say "I don't wanna hear it".

If I went to the MAS board, because apparently my vent here isn't welcome, they would send me away and tell me to post on EAS.

So, you see there really isn't a place for those of us (and I am not alone in this) who are in between things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 3:33pm

I'm posting really quick without having read the other replies, so if I repeat something they've already said - please forgive me.

It is evident that you can't move on - it almost sounds like you are in total denial about the ending because there was no big splash exit.... You say some things that ring warning bells:

I wonder why HE isn't making an attempt to call me

why he is having an easier time with this than I am, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 4:08pm

Frankly, I think you owe TU an apology.


Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 4:38pm

Hi luv,

I'll let the others talk about the rest of your post, they will do a far better job at that.

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 4:57pm

Let's be honest here. It is the exact same story from months ago. There is no point in re-hashing the past. If you want to move forward, you'll consider doing more than getting defensive, and leaving the board. I am here because 14 months ago I ended my affair (for the last time). If you read these boards as much as you profess to, than you would know "me" by now, and probably recant just about everything you have written in response to me - even the question about the PhD.

I am not, however, interested in engaging any further with someone so obviously acting out at people who dedicate a significant amount of their time and energy to keeping this board what it is - AN ENDING BOARD. I owe this board my life. No matter how together I get, I will still continue to visit here, learn from others & give back to this community. I learned WAY more about life here than how to successfully end an affair.

Here "you" were months ago ... posting the exact same story, getting very similar responses, and then what ....? what is going to be different about your approach this time?

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/General-Discussions/When-does-the-PAIN-end-Please-help/m-p/117168441#M149159

And naw, you know that this isn't 'cuz i did it all right, it's because I didn't, and I lost a lot, and not so interested in watching people self-destruct in front of my eyes. I would rather them "hate" me for my honesty, than love me for cushioning the horror of my actions. I had people in my life who colluded with me by NOT speaking what they were thinking and enabled the self-destruction to continue. In the end, they were not providing me with support, but rope to hang myself.

Sincerely, I wish you wellness,

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 5:08pm
I agree with TU and Clarity. All be it I am a newbie on my 6th day of NC, their words have been invaluable to me. This IS a support board, but that doesn't mean that people are going to accept your behavior. Yes we are all addicts but most on this board are trying to recover. The ladies on this board are here to help and a lot of times it means tough love and hearing things we don't want to hear. They wil not coddle you or accept your behavior because they have BTDT and they want us to get better. Ending an A is hard, and believe me I have stumbled and fell several times but you gotta pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 5:22pm

I didn't mean for that to come out as "going off" on you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 5:53pm
Luv, it seems that you would rather keep doing things your way than hear some difficult truths. Fine. As our lovely Angie asked the last time you posted here: "How's that workin' for ya?"

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