Broke NC HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Broke NC HELP
10
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:28pm
I did it, It happened on friday, we talked for a brief moment, he got busy and had to hang up. I didn't feel bad about it, but today it is bothering me soooooooo much. The first thing out of his mouth was, Wow this has been a record for us. It had been almost 4 weeks. WHAT WAS I THINKING, I have been so strong with all of this not going to deny I have sad moments but have fought temptations have turned to this board for help an understanding and I have even given the big advice NO CONTACT to others, Gosh I am so angry with myself. Also before he hung up he tells me have a nice weekend and I will talk to you soon. Cocky, he must think well she called and I KNOW SHE WILL AGAIN. uuurrggg.

I feel so stupid. Restashure this wont happen again. You know I have had so many sad moments,and I got tired of feeling that way that I actually started looking forward to another day I survived NC, And then I do this stupid mistake. What is truly bothering right now at this very moment is what must he be thinking. Sorry I needed to vent.

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:37pm
hey there Ladybug--

Don't be sorry--that's what we are here for :-) And don't beat yourself up for one mistake! Here's what you can do:

1. Stop thinking about what he is thinking. All that matters is what you are thinking -- after all that's the only brain you can control, right??? Don't waste any thoghts on worrying about his thoughts -- they don't matter :-)

2. OK -- now -- take 10 minutes -- AND ONLY TEN MINUTES -- and feel bad for yourself. Get it out of the way. When the ten minutes is up, don't think of this mistake again. That's all the time it deserves!!

3. Finally, set yourself a goal of a certain number of NC days. Maybe for each 5 days you earn a treat of some sort. Doesn't matter that you are starting over with NC. We all know you can do it!

One itty bitty tiny setback doesn't matter. I'll bet your next record with NC will be for a lot more days!

free since 9-04

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:53pm
ladybug -

Okay, so you slipped. We forgive you!

Now focus on that cocky man and DO NOT give him the pleasure of hearing your voice again! VOW to yourself that you WILL NOT allow yourself to let him think he is getting the best of you.

Let him sit there and wonder and ponder the fact that you are not calling him again!

You will regain the power and feel alot better!

You can do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:10pm
Well, it was really hard for me. I kept ending it and then calling him back and we would start talking again. the last time i ended it- he let me go. He told me that he was going to let me be with my husband and that I knew the situation and he could not leave her now. (I kept giving him a hard time about why we are still talking if he couldn't leave anytime soon. Granted I didn't want to leave my husband.)When I did call after we blew up at each other he was so nice and said he was thinking of me but I did not fall for it and I got off the phone with him. ( I know it was an excuse - but I called to make sure there were no hard feelings between us. - you see I am supposedly friends with his wife and he is friends with and works with my husband. I was strong in that call and felt good for about a day. Then it hit me and I called him back three days later and he was a jerk. He told me he would call me back as soon as he heard my voice and I said please do and he asked why and I said I needed to talk to him and he said "what for" and I just said I wanted to talk to him and I asked him why he was being so ugly and he responded with "I don't know" and said he would call me back. Well its been almost three weeks. I know we are over but why did he have to be so cruel when just three days before he said he was thinking about me. Well it gets worse. I found out last week that they are expecting again (this will be #4). I know for a fact that he did not want more children from both he and his wife stated he didn't. Well I had to call and congratulate them bc (remember I am suppose to be friends with her). I called and she said they just found out last week and it was totally not planned and her husband was not at all happy about it when she told him. She said its bad. You have to think though that a baby might bring them closer together right. Its funny how he begged me not to get pregnant right now and it would kill him then his wife turns up pregnant. I feel he one uped me again. I feel like a fool!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: ladybug2032
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:53pm
My advice...

Run far, far away. This situation is bringing you nothing but heartache, and you deserve better. This man cannot and will not give you what you need and deserve. He sounds like he could use some therapy and self-reflection, if he's having an A and getting his W pregnant on the side. All he will do is bring you pain.

Its not easy. Trust me. Its one of the hardest things I've ever done not to chase down my exMM and try to get him to talk to me again. But I KNOW that our relationship would NEVER work, that he'll never leave his W, and even if he did, the reality of his life and past and present, I'm not sure I could live with long-term (he's an ex-alcoholic and drug addict with a criminal record, he's been through bankruptcy, doesn't have a good job, and he's emotionally immature). Great sex only gets you so far, and I know from experience that my exMM was a weak person who would not be there for me in the way that I would need him, unlike my H.

Just set small goals for yourself like someone suggested. Try going one day, or half a day even.

I would also recommend something that's helped me a lot...exercise. Yoga if you can find a class is so great because you can only concentrate on you and your body during the class. I also run, play ice hockey and horseback ride. Believe me, its been a huge help to do things I love and get my body moving.

Keep posting here, everyone has been through what you're going through!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: ladybug2032
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 4:12pm
It is not up to us to forgive you but for you to forgive yourself. We are human anwe do slip as did I 14 days ago, but hey for me that is 14 days of NC that I am very proud of. Dust yourself off and try again. Do things for you and when you find yourself thinking of him think of something that you have to take care of or divert your thoughts to something else. I know it is hard but it is up to YOU and YOU have the control over your mind. Take care.

Sally

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 5:17pm
ladybug, i messed up too this week. spoke with om and now im hurting again.

i need to get over him if i want my marriage to work, but i cant i want him so much.

i am soo tired of being sad.

i am dying for the sex we had together!!!!

hang on....NO CONTACT for both u and me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:17am
Hi Merehud

I am sorry you are going through this, its hard but you can get passed it, as you can see we all have are low points and we serender to temptation, I guess its normal. We are the only ones who have control of ourselves and we need to find that strength within us to finally let go. My A was an on again off again issue. His W also got pregnant while we were seeing each other and he called it quits when he found out, but that didnt last to long he said he just felt guilty but could not stay away from me too long, I was devestated when he broke up with me and angry at him too, but I understood the circumstances. I stayed away from him for a while until he called and soon enough things started all over again. Be strong DONT LET HIM GET YOU DOWN,Try to focus on your family and what is right for you. Unfortunately affairs in the end only bring sorrow. There not meant to last forever. I can honestly say knowing that it is over for me I am trying to regain my selfrespect, dignity and moral again. My affair with OM lasted 3.5 years and I had never had an A and had only ever been with my husband. My OM was the second person I had ever been with. I learned from this experience that if another man ever enters my life agin it will be beacuse I am single again and so is he. I learned a big lesson from this, NEVER AGAIN.

Take Care.....

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:30am
Free,

AWESOME advice. Not to be selfish but I think I will take it for myself. If I can go a whole week with NC, not calling, not driving by, not looking for him, I will treat me to a little something something. Not big, maybe a sundae at Braum's (awesome ic shop) or dinner at Wendys (99 cent menu is the BEST) and a Diet Dew. The little things that I love but reserve for special times. Not going to do the 10 minutes of feeling sorry for myself. I've done enough of that already. But I WILL do something just for me. Either going to be to join a gym or take a dance class. Maybe getting out and working on my big fat butt will help my self esteem, so MM can't do this to me anymore!

Much love and thanks,

jellie :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:06pm
Hey. Ladybug. I messed up too but mine was after only 2 days of NC, I really am awful at maintaining mine. I i.m.-ed him and he didn't respond, that's the second time he's done that over the course of a few days. So I e-mailed him asking him why and he sent back some dumb excuse. Talk about feeling like an idiot, I don't know why I keep going back for more of this. I don't know what it's going to take before I finally say "enough"? Oh well, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: ladybug2032
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:38pm
Hey Toosmart

You know Nobody said NC would be easy. Weeks of having strength is what kept me from him, and a stupid impulse of just wanting to talk to him messed it all up. As u see how cocky my OM is, He's in for a rude awakening, because I have no plans of ever calling again. Promise I made to myself and for my family. You hang in there dont call yourself an idiot your not. Feed off of that feeling so you can maintain NC. REMIND YOURSELF EVERYTIME YOU INTENT TO CONTACT HIM ,WHAT IT FELT LIKE THE LAST TIME YOU DID. When you start feeling tired of feeling sad is when you start to take control. That is what helped me. Good Luck We are all here for u, vent here anytime you feel the urge to CONTACT HIM.

Take Care,

Ladybug