Broke NC, how low can I go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Broke NC, how low can I go
67
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 12:30pm

Hello,

I broke NC this weekend with xAP. I know, I know, kill me. I heard a song that made me think of her and sent her an email and a few texts. She thinks she's back in now. I feel so low, I truly want this to be over. We have been LC for a year and there will never be PA again I can promise that. But this EA has gone on for a while and it's just stupid. As I said before I have tried to break this off by being nice, in person, by email, by phone etc. Doesnt work. I even told her that her kids were spoiled and that her

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 1:03pm
Wait - YOU texted and emailed her and then you have the gumption to say " As I said before I have tried to break this off by being nice, in person, by email, by phone etc. Doesnt work."

Um duh. texting and emailing her would keep it from ending. YOU are in this because you are choosing this. YOU gave her the illusion that the door was open again and that you were willing to be open to HER again. YOU did this.


DO NOT call xAP. You do not owe her ANYTHING. NC IS necessary if you want it to end. If you want to be honest - and truly have a happy M you owe it to your W to stop this insanity.

There is no judgement - we've all been down the road - some further along, some still climbing the steps to start - I struggle tho to believe you that you want this to end. Your W has threatened to leave you, you claim happiness and yet - yet still here you are. Still stringing her along.

Wake up.

NC is about you. Not about her.
You opened this door of contact, you have supported her fatal attraction habits by feeding into them - so stop. Be brave enough to just cut of contact.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 1:27pm

Block and walk, Amex. How many times do you have to hear this to understand that it works? She's not going to tell your W...she has just as much to lose as you do. No more excuses. You don't have to email her to tell her it's over. Just go silent and start walking the walk.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 1:30pm

Lolly said it all.

STOP with the BS - You are just as addicted to this drama as her. THIS is on you - totally. Stop being a coward. Stop making this about someone else's actions/wants/needs, and just stand up and do the right thing.

The fog is so thick in your brain that you have somehow twisted this around to be about her ... and thinking that you can get rid of her more easily by telling her the PA is over? Come on. Get real. YOU went fishing. How inconsiderate of your W, your xAP and yourself. In a moment of weakness ... YOU have to come up with a better plan for yourself. There is NO weaning off - there is ONLY cold turkey BLOCK & WALK.

And you know what - there has to be judgment, no toward YOU as a person, but absolutely toward YOUR ACTIONS - that are self-indulgent, cowardly, and destructive.

STOP the game playing, START by going NC and getting into therapy, FOCUS on your marriage, and try to come to grips with the fact that DDAYS are something that to a great extent are beyond our control once we start engaging in an affair. YOU are continuing to try and manipulate this situation because you are NOW concerned about the state of your marriage and your wife's discovery. If I have learned anything in ending my affair, it's to focus ON THE ACTIONS OF THOSE I CAN CONTROL - MY OWN!

Next time come to the BOARD before you act on YOUR own impulses ... at this point, they will lead you in the wrong direction every time.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:01pm
ps:

"I broke NC this weekend with xAP. I know, I know, kill me. I heard a song that made me think of her and sent her an email and a few texts. She thinks she's back in now."

This is NOT okay ... this isn't ABOUT US. This isn't about "killing you" - your actions, your consequences. We just call it as we see it.

She thinks she's back in now, because what you did was the same as giving the drug addict that you had just cut their supply from, a shot of free heroin, and being confused that they are looking to you for more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:02pm
I'm sorry - I have to post a PS - your post has just eaten away at me for the last hour. I had a xAP like you. He'd push me away, then text or call me just as I as getting to a point of being okay with walking away - and I'd get sucked in again. I thought I loved him. I would have given anything at the time to be with him. And so every single time he called - my heart leapt and my hopes would soar. And when I ended it because I needed to get rid of the angst and drama that it carried over and over and over - he would do what you are doing now - He played the "well we're really friends first" crap. he'd go on and on that NC wasn't necessary, that surely we could handle an "adult" friendship - He would send me random texts and emails when he was lonely, wondering if I still felt the same.

let me say to you now - NC is kindest. The lingering stringing along destroyed my own self worth, it took me from my kids, and my job, and made me question every aspect of who I was. This girl probably does love you - and YOU keep this relationship alive for selfish, lonely moments that we all experience. Give her this gift. Give YOURSELF this gift. Jump off this train of destruction for all parties concerned. Because once it crashes, it can never be the same.

Not ever.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 3:17pm

Amex,

Clearly you did not consider the consequences of your action before you broke NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 3:42pm

Im sorry, Unfortunately this post triggers an immense amount of ANGER in me because I have an xap that WONT LEAVE ME ALONE...and the feelings that result from the DEAD contacting you...is EMOTIONAL TORTURE. Just quit it. Have the courage and respect to be a person who's above board. Stop dragging it on. Let her go. How low CAN you go? Possibly lower than you already have if you keep this up.

the ONLY thing that LEAPS out of me to tell you, is to

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 3:48pm
*giggle* Michelle - I seriously just tried to find the like button.....
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 3:51pm

Amex-have to agree. It sounds like you are not fully ready to cut the cord.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 4:22pm

You really are a master manipulater. I know because I too was one before I dug deep (with the help of a T) to figure out why I used people as pawns. You are playing a sick game with people's lives. You really need to call a T immediately and leave the OW alone. You know she wants more and you are dangling carrots in her face. She's a human being with feelings and so is your W and neither of them deserve to be abused and lied to the way you are doing.

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