Broke NC, how low can I go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Broke NC, how low can I go
67
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 12:30pm

Hello,

I broke NC this weekend with xAP. I know, I know, kill me. I heard a song that made me think of her and sent her an email and a few texts. She thinks she's back in now. I feel so low, I truly want this to be over. We have been LC for a year and there will never be PA again I can promise that. But this EA has gone on for a while and it's just stupid. As I said before I have tried to break this off by being nice, in person, by email, by phone etc. Doesnt work. I even told her that her kids were spoiled and that her

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 5:59pm

Mom.

Because I told her 20 times I want to end it and she won't let go? Because I dont want to hurt her. WOW what a HORRIBLE person I am. Thats sound logic. I see how the men are treted here. Men and women communicate very differently. Remember that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 6:46pm
Amex,
it is easy to be angry in this - and the responses you got will probably make you think we are all a bunch of jerks, the things is - we have ALL been there. You keep saying SHE wouldn't let go. How would you know if YOU never let go? By maintaining ANY level of a relationship - you have not chosen to leave either. Being adults has NOTHING to do with ending an A. It is rarely possible. Being an adult simply is knowing when enough is enough and choosing, making a purposeful choice to keep what we value most safe. YOU have not done this. Your contact, regardless of how little it is - is enough for her to feel she has hope. And yes thank you, having lost a sibling, a child, and a parent all while handling the end of my own A, dealing with the end of my M while taking on the real life task of being accountable for my OWN actions and keeping my kids safe (oh yeah, while also having LOST MY JOB)- yup -that is what I Chose. And yes, thank you very much I do have a sibling who is bi-polar so I CAN relate.

NC has nothing to do with being a coward. It has everything to do with choosing to save your marriage. You say you are happy there and you clearly do not want a divorce - so why keep this?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 6:54pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 6:55pm
SHE"S the one who wnats to be friends. I dont want ANYTHING.

If you don't want anything then why are you still in it? Because she might not be happy? Because she might not be your friend - but you don't want anything from her right?

We women invest ourselves emotionally into loving those we love - it's a very deep hole - and when we love - we love completely. I say you string her along because you say - I don't want you, get someone else, and then in a quiet moment when YOU are lonely, and YOU are feeling whatever - YOU open the door again via text or email. Opening the door shows you still have interest. Women are hopeful creatures by nature -

If this is so wrong, and you want NOTHING to do with her - Then let her go. In time she will realize the truth of what you say because you will have closed the door to that hope. She loves YOU. She doesn't want Tom or Harry (and I'm leaving Richard out of it because all of us need a little of him). You can say it a million times - if she wanted them, she would leave - she is comfortable with you. Set her truly free.

I can't bring you over the hump. You have to want peace more than you want to be "the good guy". You have to do this. You have to make a HUGE leap into a very dark place - where for most of us we struggle with if it was the right choice and we worry about the other person for a while, and little by little we start living our own life again, and we realize how much we gave up in order to be "that guy". Trust me I know the agony of making the decision to cut ties. I wanted to be the good friend, adult, non-coward person too. And then one day I woke up and realized - the only way I could escape was to jump off the ship.

And you know what?
The world did not end.
The ship sailed on and while I see it time to time - I feel no need to go sailing.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 7:09pm
I know you did not just say SHAME ON ME - He KEPT CALLING ME. (SOUND FAMILIAR?) Every single time he'd say he was over it (I had my own share of endings) I would respect it and HE WOULD CALL ME, or email or text or all three - DO NOT THINK for ONE FREAKING SECOND that you can waltz in here and say SHAME ON ME - I have put in MY time. I HAVE walked away. YOU can't even walk away - you keep saying if someone doesn't want you - YOU are out the door - and yet YOU AREN'T. YOU are still there -

So who needs who in this?

I'm out of this - YOU want to talk - fine - YOU want to bring it with me? Fine you can email me off board - You make a lot of excuses for the guy who wants NOTHING to do with her - but CONTINUES to reach out to her.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 7:11pm
I think everyone else pretty has it covered and I agree with it all. I'm a S xOW to a MM; and I will say - yes, even a bit of contact *any* sort of contact spelled H-O-P-E, and *that* is what hurt the most. Out one side of his mouth xMM said 'over' and out of the other through continued contact, he said 'nope, not' just by keeping contact.
To hold myself accountable, when I responded that would translate to him that I was still in. This went back and forth until I cut and ran. Am I a terrible human being? Hardly. But, I knew then and know that NC is the only way to go - you will have endless discussions about 'why' it's over, and around and around you will go. If you want it over; block and walk - you owe your W more. OW will eventually get it, just as xMM 'got it' (as did all the other x's around here) when all he got was silence on my end.
And really, what it comes down to is - if you say you've told her 'it's over' 20 times, what makes you think that making it 21 will do anything different? It's just an excuse.
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 7:41pm

Amex,

<>

Yep, you and every other poster on this board. Just remember though, that this friend and you have been deceiving your respective spouses to maintain this so called friendship. An honest friendship is not conducted behind closed doors hidden from the world.

You wrote to another poster;

<<

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 7:59pm

Amex-I was not told to leave him alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 8:56pm

Amex,

It is obvious that you are very confused, probably because of the pain you are feeling somewhere deep inside. All of the posters who took the time to reach out to you and offer support have given you advice that is spot on. We have all ENDED affairs, whether we were the ender or the endee. It doesn't matter which hat we wore at the time because now, we are all ENDERS. Ending means no more contact. No more lies. No more destructive behavior. No more trying to convince ourselves that the Affair was anything more than a deceitful act of betrayal no matter how much we tried to convince ourselves it was friendship or love.

What kind of support do you need to get you over the hump? What is it you want to hear from this group? Everyone has pretty much spelled it out like it is here on EAS.

If you are looking for some coddling, you might find what you are looking for at MAS--managing your affair. Because until you understand what you are doing by texting xOW, and then saying you want the A to end, you are still

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 9:08pm

DM,

First of all, PLEASE try to understand that you are not being persecuted by any of the enders who have responded to your post.

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