Broke NC, how low can I go
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Broke NC, how low can I go
| Mon, 01-24-2011 - 12:30pm |
Hello,
I broke NC this weekend with xAP. I know, I know, kill me. I heard a song that made me think of her and sent her an email and a few texts. She thinks she's back in now. I feel so low, I truly want this to be over. We have been LC for a year and there will never be PA again I can promise that. But this EA has gone on for a while and it's just stupid. As I said before I have tried to break this off by being nice, in person, by email, by phone etc. Doesnt work. I even told her that her kids were spoiled and that her

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Amex,
I'm going to take a very wide berth because I
Lolly,
I love you woman.
Well said.
***
"I too have been on NC and broken many times. I can actually tell kind of a funny story actually. I have tried to go NC alot over the last 1/12 years. I can promise you at least like FIVE times I would say to myself or AP, dammit I'm going NC. And I swear to God that VERY night my wife would pick a fight with me."
"And that always sucked me back in."
"I did send her a short email tonight and said remember the good, move on, blah blah blah."
There are issues with the thinking behind each one of these statements. They are full of blame, misplaced responsibility for your actions, and wishy washy sentimentality. If you had been reading here, and/or asked for advice on what to actually say in an ending email, we could have given you the right words to properly end it.
WE were against the strategy of the phone call with the physical BS line. And an Ending & going NC email isn't full of remember the good blah blah ... and I would actually be interested in what the 'blah blah was'.
More "nice guy" stuff aimed at trying to get her to think of you as the good guy in the end.
Ending is a swift process ... it is about taking definitive actions to END. There is NOTHING productive to the ending process about encouraging the person you are going NC with to "remember the good". Really? You are still playing games.
Just my opinion.
Lolly,
Thanks for responding. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like you have had a rough go lately as I have.
The story about every time I tried to break up with her and wife got in fight was true. But that was 18 months ago. And have been LC for a year. Certainly I have some feelings for my xAP, i think we all do.
Long story short, I sent the goodbye email last night. I am very PROUD of what I wrote. I'd show all of you or at least share the content. She responded back that she didn't think we had much EA anyway and that her husband got a promotion and she thinks she's reconciling. I'm happy for her. Always would be.
So I believe it's over. I am going Up North this weekend with my wife for a romantic getaway. I know some may be skeptical of me but let's move forward. Don't give up on me.
BTW Lolly, I hope we can become allies.
TU,
I appreciate your opinion. But really the past doesnt matter now. I sent her a goodbye email last nite. She responded that she didn't think we had much of an EA anyway. With LC for a year she's right. She said her H got a promotion and she's thinking about reconciling. Happy for her. If you're curious to the blah blah blah's, I'll post them here or explain them. Maybe you can learn something.
Me, I'm going Up North this weekend with my wife for a romantic weekend. That will be my focus. So maybe I can be a part of EAS now. One day NC!
Believing it's over is a far cry from saying, "My A *IS* over. You make it over, Amex. You do the work to *guarantee* that it's over. You block her. I know you saw that I asked you before, "Have you blocked her yet?" And of course, you've been avoiding my question. Why is that? Well, I know why, but your wanting to make a new start here, and hoping to make nice with everyone is predicated on your saying, "My A is OVER!"
Thank you for your condolences.
I need to clarify a few things - I suppose the part that was so off-putting in your intial post was the arrogance that seemed to come through your words - the excuses that you used (it's all on her, not on you) riled up some sort of emotions I didn't know I needed to look at. Even as you continued to respond - everyone was to blame but you - it was your wife's fault for picking fights, xap's fault for loving you, calling and texting,etc. and YOU acted as if you were some victim in all of it - just a passerby.
You are not a victim, nothing was done TO you without your consent.
I never questioned if your story about your wife was true or not - I take things as they are given, and assume the best until proven otherwise.
While I may not agree with a "final email" - I am glad to hear that you sent one and moved forward with your ending. I'm not proud of what you wrote (could care less really) but I am proud that you DID write and got it over with. ending and NC however, dictate that you block her from your email so that you cannot read her responses. They just don't matter. Now that you have initiated the door closing, it's time to commit fully and block and walk. Remove her from your phone and or block her number, block emails, etc. While many women profess during an ending that they are okay with it and want to reconcile with their spouse, like you have experienced - she will have some moments where she thinks fond ly of you and more than likely will try to fish and see if the door is still open at some point. I would plead with you to arm yourself now to elminate the chances of this happening.
As for being allies - you gotta walk the walk. I'm here - and I'll have your back, so long as you are actively engaged in remaining NC and stop this A behavior. I wish you well on your weekend excursion.
great post...really great post...
Amex,
You can not come to come to the board and make a mends and then STILL not take total responsibility, I have read both of your threads and the banter back and forth between you and posters and if you like how one person responds or what they are saying you react one way and you either ignore or berate the other posters. All the persons who have responded to either of your threads did not have to take the time to do so. You have totally missed out on making connections with some pretty amazing and supportive posters. I realize some connect more with others on the board, it just happens, but you are off to shaky start and if you want help here...the good help, the type of people who u can actually direct email or call in the middle of the day or night, then YOU have to be conscious of the tone in your posts...
Lolly is amazing...as is Garfy...but you are sleepin on some of our best and brightest...and not truly listening to them and being insulting is going to be counterproductive to your healing. You want these persons as your "allies" just as much as anyone.
And you still have not responded as to whether or not you have blocked...
And yep we notice things like that round here
Hope u have a great weekend with your wife... But even more I hope you come back here and get to work and hold yourself accountable completely. Otherwise, you may fall right back into your A. And that's the last thing anyone wants...
As I stated earlier., you have tried your way, we all have, and we stayed stuck in the mud. Bad. So you are on the brink of a different way and can lay this completely to rest....come and humble yourself to us as a board, and you will have the best group of amazing supporters you never even could have imagined.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi Iddy,
Thanks for responding. When I said I believe my affair is over, it was more a figure of speech than doubting myselft. As far as blocking, nope haven't done it yet. Still considering. Why? Not sure it's necessary. Our relationship has died a slow death for 18 months and there is not much left. We both held on as is probably common. Blocking? I may or may not. Has no one at EAS ever succeded at ending an A without blocking? I understand the concept quite well and why it works. I dont want her to get thru to me at all. I know
Amex, there should be NOTHING left but the residual pain that comes from healing once an A is COMPLETELY over. Not sure why you need to block? Go back and read the gazillion threads about the importance of blocking.
I am not going to continue going around in circles with you. If your A is over and you are going to honor that, then continue posting for as long as you need to.
Have a good day,
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