Broke NC, how low can I go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Broke NC, how low can I go
67
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 12:30pm

Hello,

I broke NC this weekend with xAP. I know, I know, kill me. I heard a song that made me think of her and sent her an email and a few texts. She thinks she's back in now. I feel so low, I truly want this to be over. We have been LC for a year and there will never be PA again I can promise that. But this EA has gone on for a while and it's just stupid. As I said before I have tried to break this off by being nice, in person, by email, by phone etc. Doesnt work. I even told her that her kids were spoiled and that her

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 12:04pm

Lolly,

I hope you had a good weekend. I want to agree with you on a few things and clarify another. I know I did not take responsibilty in ending my A. I could have ended it at anytime. It was my choice and my life. It's just weird when you tell somebody it's not working or it's over and they don't accept it. I had never had that happen to me before. I didn't have any experience in dealing with that. I should have come tio EAS earlier.

If I came off as playing the victim, it was not meant that way. But I can see now how it may have been taken that way. My failure to take responsibilty in ending seems to have stirred a thought with you as you said.

You said you weren't proud of what I wrote. When I say I'm proud of what I said to her there is a reason. A good resaon. I said we were done but that I wanted to thank her for saving my life. I was in a very dark place 2 1/2 years ago and she was there for me. LITERALLY. I had taken 10 sleeping pills and had 30 more IN MY HAND. I called her and she talked me down. My wife laughed in my face. My xAP talked to me on the phone for 4 hours and made me think about what I was doing. If I didnt have to to talk to I would have have taken my life that night. No doubt. So I did thank her for saving my life. Does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 12:17pm
Amex,
I am glad you are considering B&W still - I guess it's like any other addiction - If you were an alcoholic, and true to the 12 step program, you would give up any and all contact not only with the alcohol, but the people and situations in which you felt compelled to drink. While no one can make the decision for you - leaving that door open is an insult to your recovery. And no. Not ONE person that I know of (on or off this board) has been able to get away from the A without B&W. It isn't about being adult, or about taking a higher road - it's about self-presevation. In the end you will have to make the decision for yourself on how you want to deal with it. That is all on you.

If there is nothing you want from her, why leave the door open? I guess I don't understand what you are holding on to? Just in case?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 12:52pm

Iddy,

When I sad there is not much left, I meant not many feelings left for her, therefore no need to go fishing. I still think about my girlfriend from 15 years ago and wonder what might have been, but that doesn't mean I'm going to call her.

For whatever reason, you don't like me and that's fine. If you don't want me on this board, tell me, ban me, do what you gotta do. . On this thread or privately. In the meantime, i will look to read the other threads on B&W and gather information on making my decision.

You chose not to answer my question on had anyone ever ended by B&W (think I know why) but Lolly did. Thank you Lolly. I will be reading other posts about B&W and maybe that will shed some light.

On Saturday, someone posted that this seems to be a "my way or the highway" board. Was that a reality or perception? But it was noticed by others.

I apologized in my other post and yet again you chose to ignore the reference. You don't forgive people who may have felt attacked and then apologize? I hubmled myself and admitted I was wrong to hopefully learn more.

This will be my last reponse to this issue and probably my last ever. What you wanted right Iddy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 1:49pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 2:54pm

Mom G,

You have been a great resource and help. I am just a little frustrated obviously. I came to this board for two reeasons: To end my A and meet people who have been in the same place as I. I was on MAS for quite a while. I am no longer there B/c in not trying to M my A. I did meet many people there and made friends. I was often referred to as "insightful" and had my opinion solicited often As a MM. If this was a live (in person) support board such as AA I doubt the words spoken would be as harsh in person as they have been on this board.

I can say that B/C I've been to AA and people are supportive and they never say "it's on you" or things like that. They say take it one day at a time, come back and we'll get thru this together. I know you have said that so you get it.

Someone mentioned T. BTDT. It was great, it was helpful. But one of the biggest things my therapist told me was myA was wrong. I agree SHe

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 3:14pm

Amex,

In all fairness - you say you came to the board to end your A.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 3:46pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 4:39pm

Amex,

The structure here is based on the core assumption that those in an A are addicted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 10:58pm
Amex,
Iddy is spot on. B&W is all that works. Like many hear I was weak and responded to fishing and fished myself. All it does is prolong the inevitable. Now he is blocked and I have no idea if he tried to fish- which is sad yet necessary relief. Trust the process mate and chill out a bit. This is a painful process for all Us, we all walked in your shoes.
Iggy x
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 11:45pm

I think you've created a HUGE distraction with this combative thread.

I checked back in to see if you had made a decision...but with all the feathers flyin in the coop...

I dont even know if you've ended your A or not.

WHATS THIS REALLY ABOUT?

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

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