Broke NC - very stupid, so not worth it
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| Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:44pm |
A fess-up. And I'm ashamed.
After over 3 weeks LC/NC (coworkers) I caved to his fishing and texted him last night. He called and we talked about the last 3 weeks. I've been miserable...he's been busy - and doing great.
Which opened the door to his many flirtations and innuendos at work today. And I played along. And for what? Here I sit on a Friday night pining for the loss and hurting so badly. And who's he with? Has he called me tonight? Has he texted? Of course not. And he won't. And I know this. I know he's with his new GF, moving along with his life. And I'm not.
The flood of feelings is overwhelming. And devastating. Heart-crushing. OMG the humiliation. Ouch. Yuk.
Which leads me to the true understanding that we cannot be friends. He can handle the banter and make constant sexual innuendos. I cannot. I care too much, am too close emotionally. I read too much into it and want more. I will NEVER be able to be his friend and handle the sexual tension and banter. I guess I had to prove it to myself the hard way.
I keep reminding myself of a quote from the movie "He's Just Not That In To You." Something like: "If a guy wants to be with you he will MAKE it happen." My xAP rarely made the effort to want to see me. He didn't have to...because I made it easy for him. I threw myself at this guy and made a complete fool of myself. I was hot and he was lukewarm. Unless he needed an ego stroke - oh, yeah, then he aggressively pursued me....usually when I had pulled away and distanced myself. Yes, I do see the cycle.
I re-read my post this week on "Regrets." I have been so raw with hurt, and tried to get comfort/closure from him - the very source of my pain - and failed. What did I expect? Of course I got burned.
I look over at my little son, so very innocent, as I type this. This A has taken so much away from him. I'm so sad, but so very lonely too. It is going to be a very long, uphill battle-of-a-road from here. And I see so clearly that I have a huge heap of RL baggage/issues that I cannot escape from anymore.
My emotions are so raw. I've aged 3 years overnight. I haven't slept or eaten hardly anything in 3 weeks. And tomorrow I start, again, at Day 1 NC.
Please don't stone me.
Misty

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Hey Silverdoe, I just read your post and when you wrote about him playing music............ That's what my xAP does too! In Summer time that is, when all the doors are open and when everyone is outside, he turns up the volume of his CD player really, really loud
and starts playing music that triggers me. I hate that!! I didn't know there were other guys out there doing that.
Hugs
HTGO
Hi Silverdoe,
I work with xAP too...right by him...makes NC very difficult. It's even worse having to overhear him talking to other coworkers about his new GF, what he did over the weekend, how happy he is, busy he is, etc. I listen to my IPod as much as possible to try to drown out the noise. Even hearing his voice through the cubicle wall tears me up.
I pray he finds a new job soon. I fear its the only way I'll truly be able to move completely forward.
Thank you for your insights,
xoxo,
Misty
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