Broke NC...sort of...
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:30pm |
After we broke up, he pretty much stopped posting there. I continued to, off and on. I knew he lurked though.
So suddenly yesterday, he comes back. And today, he started replying to my posts, and I to his...on totally innocuous topics like sports...even joked around a bit like we used to. NOTHING personal was said, and no insinuations, either...
I guess I sort of broke NC by even addressing him. But honestly, it was good to talk to him a little bit. Not sure why...I guess I did miss our chats more than I thought I still did. And its nice to know that we can still be civil, at least in "public."
It was very surreal. I wonder if it was the same for him...odd to be talking to someone so politely like nothing every happened b/w us...but good in a way, too.
Not really anything too interesting, but thought I'd share. As I said, I'm not quite sure how I feel right now.
P.S. I also wonder about his W...she doesn't know about this web site...but I am sure she'd be pretty unhappy if she knew he and I were talking even about nothing in particular, in a public forum, wouldn't you think?
Edited 10/27/2004 6:00 pm ET ET by dallastrigirl

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Emotion
What is it about *you* that makes exMM's attention so important?
Why is rejection so very attractive?
What is the unhealthy bit of you that is attracted to the unhealthy bit of him?
Why do you value your own marriage (or his) so little that you continue to jeopardise it by considering visiting his workplace or for a bit of chat on a message forum?
How are you able to perceive his wife as something other than a living, breathing human being with emotions, thoughts, feelings, hopes & dreams just the same as you have and is therefore deserving of at least a modicum of common decency?
As far as his wife being unhappy about your chit-chats on the message forum, how do you suppose you'd feel if she decided to tell your husband all about your affair since you'd proven beyond shadow of a doubt that you are utterly unable to leave her husband alone?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Either you stop talking to the x or you don't. There is no "Broke NC...Sort Of".
He actually started talking to me, not the other way around. And its a public forum...we're not emailing or text-messaging.
And Posie, frankly, I couldn't care a fig about his "living, breathing" W. He's her mess now, not mine, and if he chooses to be someplace that I also am (even though its only in cyberspace), that's their problem. I have no love lost for either of them.
There are people on that board who I am friends with, who I go out with and play sports with...I'm not leaving just b/c of him.
I understand the point about this keeping him in my life in a way, which is valid. I AM going to limit my time on the board, but you guys make it sound like I sought exMM out and am harrassing him or something...and that's not the case.
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That much is pretty obvious, Dallas. You seem to be enjoying rubbing salt in her wounds and it's pretty unattractive. I guess it's escaped your notice that despite everything you did to her, she still cared enough about you not to tell your husband.
When I was full of my own entitlement, it was easier for me not to see exOM's DP as a real live human being either which in turn would have made it almost impossible for me to be grateful to her for any reason at all, too. I understand it, it's just not real pretty to look at.
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Their problem appears to be that you keep poking your nose into their marriage by first considering going to his place of work and next by initiating posts to him regardless of how public a message forum it might be.
It may swiftly become your problem if she elects to inform your husband. You can bet my first phone call would be to exOW's husband for a full & frank disclosure in hopes that exOW's husband could discourage further contact. What makes you so certain his wife won't do the same?
My point here is you are playing with fire - Do so at your peril and don't kid yourself that you are moving on or maintaining No Contact when you clearly aren't.
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Why can I hear a child whining something to the effect of, "Moooommmm, I was here FIRST!" What is it that cometh before a fall? Oh yes, "pride" wasn't it? How proud might you be when his wife tells your husband all about it?
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You sought him out, you initiated contact, that *is* the case. If there's nothing wrong with it, try telling your husband about your affair and how it's so over that you want to see him at his workplace and correspond with him on a public message forum...
When you've been there yourself, you can spot it a mile off, Dallas. You can't kid a ex-kidder. You're fooling only yourself here, but your mistakes will almost certainly wound others.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
How am I rubbing salt in her wounds? She doesn't even know. And I'm not doing this with any eye to her, frankly. I'm not talking to him to spite her. I think about her as little as possible.
I guess I don't really care whether it's attractive to you or not. I'm human, sorry. Not all my feelings are altruistic and magnanimous. They can be petty and downright mean. I'm not proud of that, but I am honest enough to be honest here.
She doesn't know how to find my H. And even if she did, how is it "nice" of her not to tell him? Its none of her business whether he knows or not. If exMM's W didn't know, I wouldn't have told her. That would've been HIS choice, not mine. Personally, I think its pretty vindictive to do so. You're crediting her with something she doesn't deserve credit for. I can't believe you think that it is okay to tell the other spouse...
I get the impression you think I owe his W something. In my mind, I owe her nothing. I am gone from his life and will not be back. I don't think exMM owes my H anything, either.
And I've decided against seeing him at his workplace. It was a stupid idea, but stupidly, I shared it here. Didn't realize it would be held against me.
Edited 10/28/2004 2:50 pm ET ET by dallastrigirl
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Ah, ok so if I can steal money from your bank account and you don't know it's me, I guess that'll be ok with you.
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Precisely my point. Then OPEN your eye, girl, and why not both of'em while you're at it? If you *allow* yourself to think about her, it becomes harder to crap all over her and quite possibly your own husband, too. What is lacking here is simple consideration for another human being. You are disregarding her as a person simply by virtue of the fact she's had the fortune/misfortune of marrying someone whose attention you happen to want in the belief it will make you feel good about yourself. Look up the word "empathy" in the dictionary. The definition in mine says:
empathy - em·pa·thy (mp-th)n.
(1) Direct identification with, understanding of, and vicarious experience of another person's situation, feelings, and motives.
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I'm not the one who deserves an apology, Dallas. You haven't crapped on my doorstep, bedded my husband nor plotted methods by which to casually find yourself at my husband's place of work nor maintained contact with him on some message board. Newsflash:- Being human is no excuse for trampling all over someone wholly innocent of any wrongdoing in order to grab some warm-fuzzies for yourself.
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If I confess it, it's ok to do it? "I'm just gonna transfer some monies from your account to mine, it's not good or right, but at least I'm being honest about it... Hey, I'm only human, Dallas!" How well does that dog hunt? Be honest with yourself if no one else.
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You assume exMM also knows nothing about your H, his workplace, general area in which you live and you further assume that exMM won't sell you straight down the river in order to preserve his marriage. Given your H's first initial/last name and general area in which you live, even without the name of the company he works for, it's highly unlikely that I wouldn't be able to find him within the space of a day. Easiest of all, she need only ask her husband for your home phone number.
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You act like her not divulging all to your husband is only what you deserve. Sadly, even while you failed to take into consideration that she deserved to have you keep your hands off her husband, she STILL didn't reveal the affair to your husband. Some gratitude is in order. And you repay her how? By maintaining contact with her husband. Do you honestly think she won't tell if she discovers fresh contact? It'd be my first phone call, Dallas, my second would be to my divorce lawyer. How far are you willing to risk it?
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When you have nothing to hide, you need hide nothing. Damn right I'd tell.
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You owe her what you owe every other human being, common decency and to be treated like a human being whose right to the pursuit of happiness is no more and no less important than your own. It's plain you feel you owe her nothing - let's hope you don't regret that, eh?
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Except for plotting little visits to his workplace and leaving him messages on a public message forum, right? Where's the harm in that?! *slaps forehead*
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When you put it out there, there it is.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
You act like her not divulging all to your husband is only what you deserve. Sadly, even while you failed to take into consideration that she deserved to have you keep your hands off her husband, she STILL didn't reveal the affair to your husband. Some gratitude is in order. And you repay her how? By maintaining contact with her husband. Do you honestly think she won't tell if she discovers fresh contact? It'd be my first phone call, Dallas, my second would be to my divorce lawyer. How far are you willing to risk it?
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When you have nothing to hide, you need hide nothing. Damn right I'd tell.>>
Its not your business to tell the other spouse. I don't believe I am the only one of that opinion. If anyones going to tell my H, it will be ME and it will be MY decision to do so.
And I wouldn't even know where he worked if he hadn't called my apartment. Sounds like she has bigger problems than me.
I am not proud of the negative emotions I do feel. I have worked through much of them but the wound is still fresh. Until it heals, I'm not going to beat myself up over them. I guess I have YOU to do that.
This not thinking about his W hits home to me. How could we have all had the A unless we chose to put her out of our minds as much as possible. It really changes when you divorce your H like I did and there is only his W to think of. How about when he accidently calls you her name, or you find out the last time he had IC with her (of course he was thinking of you the whole time) or you hear about the family going to church together, or her saying her rosary with the whole family and keeping God on her side as she fights for her marriage. He bought a new house for her and a new car for her. But he doesn't have any "feelings" for her. He goes to marriage counseling for over one year with her every week.
Frankly I know it is wrong to be in the middle of that marriage. One of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife (husband) That is the one I am struggling with as the A has been over for one year. I don't want to see him, hear his voice, kiss him, make love to him---but I want him to be my H and spend the rest of his life with me---I only want that.
I pray to God I stop wanting that and I say to myself when I am in so much pain that at least it is me and not her and their kids---I want to be right with God again. I want to be forgiven for this. I lost the good person I wanted to be and that I showed to my kids (and believe me they know all about my A because their Dad told them) The price was too high because I lost my self respect and the good person that I tried to be as an example for my kids. I think alot of my pain comes from that.
But for today I am not sinning
It hurts today and I want NC because I am real tired of the pain
Survive
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