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|Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:09am|
Clarity addressed a reply to me on another thread about cyberstalking that provoked me to think deeply about what I have been doing and why. (Thank you for the nudge Clarity!)
69 days NC. I have continued to cyberstalk. Why? I know it only messes with me. And, to answer your question Clarity about whether or not I think it is breaking NC to do this, I would have to say it is breaking NC, for the stalker, i.e me. Because every time I look, it brings him back into the front of my thoughts and my head goes round and round about why, who, what, where, when? It keeps me hooked.
And, yes, I believe that it clearly is hindering my healing.
So why am I doing it? This all made me think hard about why.
It’s like spying on him. I am looking for signs that he is “on the prowl”, (as my T says) for another AP. Why does that matter? What if the answer is yes? I’ve been told by my T and a few close friends and even my DH that XAP probably will find another AP. It’s like I want to make sure that he won’t go be a better person without me. I want to make sure he stays being a cheat and a liar and a manipulator.
How dang shallow is that? That is so not cool.
That is an ugly thing to see in myself. Even more ugly than having been in the A.
Time to get brutally honest……..with myself.
I intend to address this with my T next week.
Thank you again Clarity for pushing me to get real.