Brutal Honesty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Brutal Honesty
9
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:09am

Clarity addressed a reply to me on another thread about cyberstalking that provoked me to think deeply about what I have been doing and why. (Thank you for the nudge Clarity!)

69 days NC.  I have continued to cyberstalk.  Why?  I know it only messes with me.  And, to answer your question Clarity about whether or not I think it is breaking NC to do this, I would have to say it is breaking NC, for the stalker, i.e me.  Because every time I look, it brings him back into the front of my thoughts and my head goes round and round about why, who, what, where, when?  It keeps me hooked.

And, yes, I believe that it clearly is hindering my healing.

So why am I doing it?  This all made me think hard about why.

It’s like spying on him.  I am looking for signs that he is “on the prowl”, (as my T says) for another AP.  Why does that matter?  What if the answer is yes?  I’ve been told by my T and a few close friends and even my DH that XAP probably will find another AP.  It’s like I want to make sure that he won’t go be a better person without me.  I want to make sure he stays being a cheat and a liar and a manipulator.

How dang shallow is that?  That is so not cool.

That is an ugly thing to see in myself.  Even more ugly than having been in the A.

Time to get brutally honest……..with myself. 

I intend to address this with my T next week.

Thank you again Clarity for pushing me to get real.

~Sunrise

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:58am

I'm glad you'll be discussing this with your T to help you sort this all out.

Your willingness to be brutally honest with yourself is really admirable, Sunrise.  I'm sure you will start moving forward as a result.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 6:50pm

Hi, Sunrise.

First, here's a big ((HUG)) for you.  Damn-it, I'm mad - for your sake, mainly because you're the only one getting hurt here - not your xAP.  Try, try, try to *not* cyberstalk - think of it as:

1.  The best revenge.

2.  A means of honoring YOU - you are worth far more than this.

3.  A means to restore your self-confidence and self-respect.

4.  A path to a new and better relationship with someone else, who is far more worthwhile - and legitimate.

5.  An essential, necessary step to move on to your beautiful, confident and self-respecting self.

6.  A way to free yourself from your xAP's one remaining hold on you - run like the wind, Sunrise!  Pretend that he knows you're cyberstalking - or whatever it takes to not go there.

Just remember this... "Life has a way of eventually turning in our favor."  It was advice my sister gave me years ago when I was lonely and scared after I left my first marriage.

I am quite possibly back at that well again, given the problems with my 2nd marriage.  But we absolutely must force ourselves to HELP ourselves.  At least go through the motions and set up your life moving forward for success.

Otherwise, you are only delaying yourself in finally getting the life you want and so richly deserve!

PLEASE keep us posted - and write often, especially in your moment of weakness.

HUGS,

PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 5:16am

Hi Sunrise

I too admire your honesty here. Its not easy to come here and admit things are not exactly going to plan. I find that every time I have come here, and finally got something off my chest - progress starts happening.

I wouldn't be suprised if the though of cyber stalking him makes you sick to your stomach soon. I made a real point of not cyber stalking my xAP, not reading in MAS, and avoided him at all costs. I have found myself in front of a computer, with my fingers ready to type his name into google - but my self diologue tells me - "please don't do this - you will get hurt no matter what you find out".

I used to cyber stalk my xAP while I was in my A, I remember feeling like the lowest of the lowest. I am so done with feeling that way! I can't keep hurting myself on purpose. I am responible for NOT typing his name into google, noone is standing there with a gun to my head. Instead, distract yourself with online shopping or something ;-)

Once again - I have admiration for you coming here, and putting it out there.

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 5:16am

Hi Sunrise

I too admire your honesty here. Its not easy to come here and admit things are not exactly going to plan. I find that every time I have come here, and finally got something off my chest - progress starts happening.

I wouldn't be suprised if the though of cyber stalking him makes you sick to your stomach soon. I made a real point of not cyber stalking my xAP, not reading in MAS, and avoided him at all costs. I have found myself in front of a computer, with my fingers ready to type his name into google - but my self diologue tells me - "please don't do this - you will get hurt no matter what you find out".

I used to cyber stalk my xAP while I was in my A, I remember feeling like the lowest of the lowest. I am so done with feeling that way! I can't keep hurting myself on purpose. I am responible for NOT typing his name into google, noone is standing there with a gun to my head. Instead, distract yourself with online shopping or something ;-)

Once again - I have admiration for you coming here, and putting it out there.

Love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 9:19am

I would like to echo some of the thoughts. Admitting is acceptance that you have been deluding yourself.  

Two thoughts come to mind.  Self protection and self honesty.

I have come to the firm belief that ending it means ending it.  Craziness, huh? Being responsible for your own actions isn't a new concept. Though we talk about responsibility, we show we have none when we don't protect ourselves. We should be armor plating ourselves, guarding our emotions, and protecting our ego to the hilt. No one else can do it for us. It is all on us. You are the only line of defense against yourself.

Choosing to cyber-stalk is just premeditated failure. Suicide if you will.

I understand how it happens, remember I failed way too many times.

I learned by failure and self protection was the only thing left.  I was driving myself crazy. I got tired of constantly being emotionally down. I was killing myself.

One day I finally came to the conclusion that if I was not going to let go, then I should do the opposite and go for it.  What was keeping me in my M? What was keeping me from going after a person that I lusted after? What was keeping me from going after someone who I loved. What kept me from pursuing someone who gave me a ego high?

After all, I know about having a goal, making a plan and executing it to get what I want.

The answer was always the same.  Common sense.  It wasn't good for me. 

Me! Imagine that?

Common sense kicked in.

It was then I realized I was fighting emotionally with myself, over me.

Me!

And I was losing.

No one was doing the job that I should be doing.  Fighting for me, and protecting me.

It was then that I figured out it was all about ME!

Would'a, Should'a, Could'a doesn't get it. 

If you are going to do something, do it right. With conviction!

Protect yourself. Honor yourself. Make you the most important person in your life, because you are.

If you protect yourself, honor yourself, use some common sense, everything else will fall into place.  You are the responsible for the first step towards happiness.

Go for it.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 10:52am

RBM - Excellent advice.

Your line, "I got tired of constantly being emotionally down" underscores the madness we sadly endure in the aftermath of an ended affair.

I hated being there, even though I was the one who took control to end my A, that my xAP would have been happy to continue.  Like most A's (as opposed to healthy, genuine relationships), mine was unsatisfactory for me and was simply not what I wanted.  But even after it was over, I still felt all the sadness; the pain of being emotionally down - and I also "looked" and "checked" - I suppose I did not want him to move on, even though I let him go.

No matter what caused our A's to end, we absolutely must honor ourselves; take extreme care of our minds and bodies.  We indeed must fight for ourselves so that we can recover and one day look back on all of this as a very important lesson learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 11:20am

 Thank you for posting. Your post was really inspiring. I know I can relate to your story on so many levels. You choose to make yourself happy no one can give that to you only yourself. I know about failure to been there so many times before. You try to warp your brain thinking maybe it would all be different that time around. You end up getting the same result as you did before even more confused. Reality then sets in and the fog lifts and you think wth am I doing common sense comes in to play. I am thinking my DH loves me and this JAM justs lusts after me because I am way younger than him and I fed his ego and he fed mine. It's all about starving the ego and feeding the soul.                                                      

             Peace Love Andie

      

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 9:50am

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Yes, it comes down to doing what I know is best for me, protecting myself.

I ended it because it wasn’t good for ME; it wasn’t working for ME.  Not just the A, which at the end of the day, never really works for anyone.  But XAP wasn’t good for me either.  I would never want to be married to someone like that.

So, time to take the next step in doing what’s best for ME.  And that is to stop feeding this beast.

73 days NC today.  And I am getting tired of being “emotionally down”.  But, you know what?  This morning, for the first time, I caught a glimpse of the fact that I did the right thing for him, as well as for me.

Getting there…..EVER so slowly.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Fri, 12-14-2012 - 3:35pm

 Congrats on  73 day NC that is huge! :)  I hope to be there soon which I will with dedication and starving the beast. I too knew that my xap was no good for me it was all about "him" he was very selfish it was like Me Me Me blah... I saw that we were going no where and now where fast! I was on the verge of losing my family and my sanity. I just couldn't do it anymore things were out of control. So I ended it and still have to see him everyday because we are in a LC situation for we live in the same building. He still tries to talk to me but I just look and walk away. Yesterday he came home and he walked in to the laundry room because I was doing laundry he startled me and asked me if I was ok and I noded and continued what i was doing and he went away. That happens all time and each time I am getting better and better at handling the situation. I am getting there too sunrise slowly but surley. Just got to keep praying and everything will work it self out. Hugs

 Peace Love Andie