BuffaloBillie. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
BuffaloBillie. . .
5
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 8:17pm

How do you feel, being separated and still in an an A? Is that as confusing to you as it is to me? When i read your post below, i could easily see the same situation happening with my MM--about stopping and then ending back together again.

I try and end my relationship with MM, once about every few weeks! He must be really tired of it! I never can seem to make it stick. Most of me, wants to let him go so he can focus on whether or not his marriage is salvagalbe. I think my MM feels a new, sudden amount of pressure to figure out what he is doing, or else he will lose me.

Things can become very tricky, i think, when one partner in an XMA becomes, suddenly, separated, whiel the other is still married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 8:47pm

That is a good question. When I first separated, I felt a huge sense of relief...I felt that I was taking the first important step in sorting things out. I was taking a step in dealing with the issues in my marriage. I was taking a stand against my H's actions that I know weren't right but I'd always just taken before (control, anger, etc.) I also felt that I was taking an important step in my R with MM. He and I had talked at length about the fact that we could not continue an A for many reasons: the guilt we felt for betraying spouses and lying, we loved each other and wanted to be together full time in a legitimate relationship and we didn't want to risk all of the "carnage" being found out would entail.

I was determined to handle my separation separatly from the A as much as possible. I wanted to make sure that my feelings about H and the marriage were still the same and weren't repairable. But continuing the A did complicate things.

One thing that I didn not anticipate was that MM wouldn't follow suit soon after. We had talked about making the move. I had a scary set of circumstances that gave me the impetus to get separated (long story but I came home from work one night..after H and I had talked about the seriousness of the problems and I mentioned that I didn't know how I felt about him...and he and the kids were gone. He had taken them out of school, left a note and disappeard for 3 days. No idea where. Told me I had to decide what I wanted and either be out when they got back or be 100% in love and committed. Very scary). Meanwhile MM had talked with his W about things and told her he wasn't in love with her and went so far as to tell her he had feelings for someone else, but said he hadn't acted on them yet. As the months passed I found myself increasingly frustrated with his lack of movement.

There is a ton of history that I could write in here about all of that and it would probably help explain things better, but this would turn into a novel. Suffice it to say my being separated while he was still at home pretending things were fine took a real toll on me. And on him, too. That is what caused him to try to make a decision which led to all of my recent postings since he ended things and is now trying to come back.

All I can say is from my experience, if both partners intend to be together they need to follow that up with action. MM and I will be getting together this week to sit down and really talk things through. I don't intend to continue the A. If he is ready to move forward with me, he will need to take steps like I did to deal with the decision of ending his marriage and be sure about it. No going back and forth. If he leaves and goes back, I'm done.

So, yes, my experience has been that things became increasingly more difficult once I was separated and he was still at home.

What are your plans?

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:19am

Buffalo: i have gone back and read your entire story. I can hear your pain. I also hear that you are terribly strong too.

This is my second affair. The first one, 2 years ago, was never sexually consummated. Still, it was painful when it ended and it was absolutely the catalyst for where i am now.

In August/September of this last year, i met another MM who made it very clear to me he was interested in me. While i did not fall head over heels in love with him, initially, over time, our relationship has deepened and i am in love with him now. I see him nearly every day, talk with him multiple times a day and the intimacy in our relationship just keeps growing.

His story is very complicated. He has no children, is 56 years old. He has made a number of professional missteps in his life and he fears getting a divorce will be the last straw in his circle of colleagues and friends. He describes a wife that is horribly depressed, goes to bed every night nearly the moment she gets home from work. During their 8 year marriage, he tells me that very rarely has she let him finish their lovemaking, because she hates it. But, even so, he does tell me that she has taken a number of steps, recently, to try and repair their marriage. Apparently, she is an alcoholic and has recently started going to AA. She also has tried, recently, to be intimate with him--as recently as yesterday. He turned down her advances.

I also tried to separate my M and my XMA. Even without the XMA, i knew i had to end my marriage. I did so in January.

Since then, i don't feel i have pushed MM to end his marriage, but i have felt, over and over again, that i needed to remove myself from the picture in order to give him time to figure out what he wants to do. He tells me he needs time; that even if he were single, my situation is so fresh, that we really couldn't be together right now anyway (i have two sons, ages 10 and 7). While i believe he is right about that, sometimes, it feels like an excuse to me: like he wants more time.

I don't know what to do. Sit and wait? Watch their marriage play out like a horse race? I have to take control back of my life. I cannot have my future be dependent on MM's wife's moods. In my heart, i know he wants to be with me, but i feel the obligation he has to his wife is so strong, that nothing will change. He fears, i will not wait long enough for him--will move on to be with another--and then, in time, he will end his marriage (he really should end his marriage, with or without me. It's just awful!) and i will be gone. He says he cannot afford to not have me in his life. He is conflicted and confused. He has, recently, tried to talk to his W about their relationship. I try and not ask too much about all that because it just hurts too much.

I hate that i am in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:14pm

Clarice, things DO become tricky when one of the two marrieds becomes single.


That's because the one who became single put their actions where their words were. They followed through on their commitment to make a life change.


Your MM is feeling "a new, sudden amount of pressure to figure out what he is doing,"? You bet he is because you have followed through and become single. So he either has to finally face the end of his marriage or the end of his affair (assuming you're not going to continue being an enabler to him). AS the days go by and you experience more and more satisfaction with being single and un-yoked from an unequal partner, I think you'll find less and less tolerance for MM to keep putting you off. At least I hope you do, because you deserve undivided attention and a relationship out in the open where you don't have to look over your shoulder wondering who might see you while you're in public sneaking around living a lie.


You;re now living in the truthful present. A wonderful feeling will surely begin to fill within you at the serenity being truthful in words and actions can be....


It was for me.


Time for MM to get off the pot. One way or the other.


You too...........


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:37pm

NRE: you are right. i feel wonderfully free and exhilirated to have made this life change. Sure i cried my eyeballs out the first day i had finally decided. But since then--some 8 weeks ago--i have felt real, authentic and excited about the potential of my new life.

That is why, suddenly, being part of this old behavior pattern--in an affair--feels even worse than it ever did. I have not put pressure on him--instead, i mention, time and time again, that maybe we should part for a while--give him time to understand where he is--and to give me time to fully work through all the recent changes in my life. I am frazzled beyond belief having to manage 2 kids alone now, an old job, starting a new business. . . i am raw and sensitive to everything that has happened, including my bro dying, the end of my marriage and all of this. Why is it so hard to do the healthy thing? I know a break, right now would do us both good. I am thankful i am going away for 10 days for Easter with my kids. I really need some space and perspective.

MM and i have spoken about the "enabling" element to this. You are right. As long as i stick around, he has to make no decisions. No changes. He is very fearful i will find another or will not be patient long enough for him to work thru his decision.

Thank you, as always, for your words of wisdom.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:57pm

MM's "fearful" you'll find somebody else or not be patient?


AAAWWWWWW


He's had the exact same amount of time to act as you have.


I find it very difficult to have any empathy for someone using every emotional string tug he can to get you to let him keep playing victim.


I have two words for him: GROW UP.


A break from him right now will do WONDERS for you. You know it. So does he.


DO IT.


DO it because it is the right thing for you and you deserve it.


Take those 10 days and focus on your kids and DO NOT contact MM or respond to any surreptitious contacts from him.


You deserve full time above board availability from your partner of choice.


Nothing less........


So don't settle for anything less than that. You've already lived with enough grief in your life. Time to lighten the load.....