Burning bridges behind you

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Burning bridges behind you
13
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 12:55pm

I am re-posting this post from RBM - because it's so spot on. There are a lot of newer members struggling with NC, and it is with great hope that this can help, that I re-post from one of the best straight shooters, RBM.

- - -

I am sharing this reply to a PM from a poster on this board, you will get the gist of it by reading. I have edited it to remove some details as they are specific to her, but in general apply to all of us. I hope you agree.

Take a deep breath and step back from this.

Let's go back to when you blocked. Remember why?

You are going to hurt someone. Who is it going to be?

Hanging onto xAP in any way at all, is hurting not only you, but him............and your family. As long as there is any string still attached to him, you are hanging onto him.

I know it's tough. You have to come to a decision as to what you want in life. It time to do it. If you want him in your life, then step up and say it, do it and live with it.

We don't talk about it much on EAS but every A has a expiration date on it. It's going to end, just as sure as your life having an expiration date. It's going to happen, someday, somehow and somewhere. You can change it into something else, but it is going to end as an A. The only thing you can do, is decide what you want to happen afterwards. Do you want to put your H, family and everyone you know, and love in the middle of that? Do you want your AP to be in the middle of it? Breaking up your family? Who is worth that? H or xAP?

If you think you can make a life with him, you are just wasting your time and effort, and hurting yourself by not going in that direction.

It's time to burn some bridges. I know it hurts. I've been through it. I'm still going through it. I'm afraid I would jump at the chance if confronted with making that decision, that's why I believe so hard in block and walk.

It's time to man up. Woman up if you prefer.

I do this only for myself. No one else. I can't handle the insanity of an A. I am worrying about me. I'm taking care of number one. Thats me. There isn't anyone else I can trust to do that.

Then block his email and try and figure out any way that he may ever contact you. Block, block block! Be prepared.

This is for real. Your life depends on it. Your families lives depend on it.

Trust your judgment, you have gotten this far. You know the right road.

I hope this gives you a little push to do the right thing.

RatherBeMe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 1:04pm
From someone in an LC situation who has been hanging on. - this is spot on. CHOOSE YOUR LIFE. For those of you who can do NC properly - do it. It will give you back your life - do you want it?

Listen to the Vets - we all have to face our fears of letting go. Until we do - our families and our lives hang in the balance.

Make the right choice.

Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 1:55pm

All our lives, we've heard 'never burn your bridges behind you'...but in our case...BLOW THEM UP WITH DYNAMITE!

btw...capitalizing can mean emphasizing...not yelling.  In this case, it was a loud emphasize :smileyhappy:

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 9:02pm
Hmmm. I do not know who Rocks more...you TU, or RBM....hmmm. You both are way too deep for my close to the surface mind. I wish I had that depth.....you all make me thing....and then my head hurts, and then I think...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 1:51am

I too have noticed alot of us seem to be having a hard time with nc.  Tomorrow I am starting again...sigh...Day 1...again....I hope I can do it. I dont want to send another message.

 

RBM wrote a good message there and this is what stuck out for me:

"I know it's tough. You have to come to a decision as to what you want in life. It time to do it. If you want him in your life, then step up and say it, do it and live with it."

Thats what is hard and that is why I feel I am stuck in what I call the spin cycle of the washing machine. I am going around and around and around and I am stuck!! I cant get out because I am unsure of where to go...so I just keep spinning hoping I will just get "thrown" in the right area!!!!! IT hasnt happened yet and its been 4.5 months!!! I guess I thought I wanted him in my life but once I had a D-Day and discovered the impact it would have....I didnt really know what to do after that..and I still dont. I feel like I want him but on what degree? What level?  If it were just me and him... I would say him. But its not...and now that I am coming out of the fog and seeing that my H is not the mean evil person I had made him out to be while in the A ... I feel compassion for him now and the sadness in his eyes that I brought to him.  I do feel guilt finally for what I did to him and it would not be easy for me to look him in the eye and tell him I am leaving him for someone else. Nor would it be easy for me to tell my kids I am leaving Daddy either.  But there are moments throughtout the days where I do become selfish and I forget about the impact of others and just think of me and thats when I get stuck with my thoughts, my happy fairytale thoughts that we were meant to find each other and then one of our songs will come on at the same time as I am thinking and I think see...its a sign...now I must contact him because perhaps he is sitting at his desk with the same radio station on and thinking he is going to get a message from me any minute!!!! And sometimes I do just that!!! and the whole craziness of this I can see when I am not in it...but when I am in that moment...it truly is a sick addiction!!!

And so I need to stop this NOW..today...and move forward. I am the one stopping me...not my x(ap)...not my H....just me!  And I hope I can like the rest of the Veterans here. Please keep posting as I need it and the rest of us need it on here.  Sometimes you can say the same thing over and over again and I wont get it...but then another day... I will....and it will click for me.  That seemed to happen to me alot this week:smileyhappy:.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:54am
Tied up,
I do have a friend I met on this board and we both message each other I don't know how many times a day:-)!!! Thank goodness but I find when that urge comes, I obsess over it and I do it. You sound like me for the messaging....I have gone 7 or 8 days and I almost find myself set on that now...its like my threshold you know. This week we have messaged quite a bit but its about activiites we are involved in and so LC will be it for a while. There will not be NC for me as its not possible. So can I ask what your messages consist of? And how he responds? Does he want no contact from you? Sorry I don't know your story. If you want you can message me! I hope you have a great day!!!!
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:54am

Someone mentioned earlier this week, about having a "Groundhog Day" experience. Isn't the spin cycle the same.  It's all self inflicted. You choosing to continue the same old thing, day after day after day. 

I did the same thing.  I went NC, broke up, sometimes with, sometimes without warning and I always went back.  I hung on. Sometimes her breaking the NC, sometimes I admit, it was me.  Sometimes a day or two, sometimes six weeks, once even six months. 

It was because I wasn't committed.  I didn't know where I wanted to go.  OK, I did know where I wanted to go, but she didn't cooperate. So we can delete that destination. I was on a path of an Escape Affair from my M and didn't realize it.  Finally I got tired of my heart being ripped out and decided that since I couldn't do it for someone else, I should do it for me.  I have been selfish all my life, why should this be any different?  A moment of Clarity??? Me. Me!!!

I decided to do it for me.  I was tired.  I was worn out.  I wanted to stop feeling like crap all the time.  It finally came to me, IF........if she loved me, then she wouldn't treat me like that.  Why would I take that?  I had everything in the world going for me.  I am not a loser. She was making me feel that way.  I couldn't win her. She should have been fighting for me. Does that make sense???

It hurt.  It still hurts.  It's been over a year and a half since I last spoke to her.  I still fantasize about her at times. Yes I still miss talking.  I miss the texts. I still miss it all.

What I don't miss?  Not feeling like crap.  I did this for me.  Me only.  Selfishness at it's best.  I am forcing myself to move on.

We all have the choice. Sounds simple, and if we make up our mind, it is.

It's the uncertainty of NOT knowing what we want. We are afraid to commit.  Even to ourselves? We push everything else aside to hold onto some crazy fantasy while living in a fog. It makes no sense at all.

Choice is what we have.  We can feel like crap, or we can move on to something else.  It may be a happy marriage, it may be to a loving family, it may be to good productive, honest, life filled with integrity.  It could also be all those things with our AP, if the stars align. It's the choice.

You are the one who has to make the choice.  The choice is to move on from being in a dead spot.  Move on to something.  Commit to something.  Even if it is just yourself. That's what I have done.

Staying stuck in the spin-cycle will get you no where.  You just keep hurting yourself. It's Groundhog Day!!!

I said it before, I'll say it again.  You are going to hurt someone.  Who is it going to be? It certainly shouldn't be YOU.

It's time to commit.  Commit to yourself.

Get out of the spin-cycle.  Move on!

Rather....

PS: I remember writing the reply, and it has been a while.  I still believe it.  The fog continues to clear.  Give time, time.  It works.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:11am
RBM,
You are right it is self inflicted. For sure, I even think I have been doing it on purpose. So that I can have my own pity party because then I am the victim right!!! And poor me that I am going thru this. So whether we call it groundhog day or the spinninc cycle its all the same and until we see what we are allowing ourselves to do we will keep doing it.
All along I have been wanting to be with AP, but then I want my M too as I have kids and I want that intact family, and so I have been struggling with both. But then I have moments now where I tell myself that its not about any of that right now. Its about making me right....nothing else first but me. Sometimes I have felt I needed to leave the M just so I could deal strictly with the A and I could grieve but of course I haven't done that. Now I have finally allowed myself to be open to the possibility to have my marriage work. So we have started counselling, and 2 weeks in, and I am finally working on it. I am putting some effort into it. Do I think it will work? Hmmm...not sure, but I would rather say I tried ny hardest and it still didn't work when I was out of the Affair. This isn't what I planned, how I planned things. Ended the affair so I could leave my H ironically enough but before I got the chance to do that my H discovered the A! And that plan went out the window. Who knows maybe someday I will look back at all this and thank my h tremendously for not letting me give up all the times I wanted too!
So I am moving on....trying....somedays are better than others. Some mornings I still wake up and I feel like my heart is literally broken and I just want to hear that ding on my phone that I so use to look forward too. Its hard to believe something can take over you life so much!
I think I'm rambling..lol...so RBM I'm assuming you are Male:-)! I didn't think there were any guys on here! Lol!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:51am
Lily. Tied - you're both doing well moving forward, thinking introspectively and considering how badly this all could have turned out. Like RBM said, give time, time. Try not to jump at the urge and give in to the draw to xap. Give time a chance to work. Acknowledge the urge, but identify the why's, don't turn it all over to xap, because in reality, it's about you.

Have you both committed to ending? Truly? Numbers deleted, so by the time you enter the number by memory, you see the message for what it really is? Avoiding events, activities ... we've done it all. We change driving routes, drop mutual friends and quit jobs.

This is big. You need to fight bigger.

Good luck.
Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 12:08pm

Wanted to jump in on this thread b/c Lily knows i'm in a similar spot as her, and i'm so thankful to have had her for the last few months to help me figure out this big mess we both created. 

This really spoke to be, RBM: "She should have been fighting for me. Does that make sense???"

I think that is the part that has been so hard for me to accept.  During the A, xAP was more of the chaser for awhile (not like I was innocent by any means, though!) while I was the one always insisting we needed to try to work on our marriages and see what happened.  But b/c I was never strong enough to break things off, we kept going, deeper and deeper, falling harder and harder until our D-day on both ends tore us apart.  And I think the fact that we ended, not because we wanted to, but because we HAD to be forced out of the fog, has made my progress moving forward that much slower.  And seeing the changes in him (through our occasional contact)- this man who was SURE we would both leave our marriages to be together, that even divorce would be better than the pain of being apart - to a man who has been insisting he work on himself while his marriage is now ending (thanks to our A!), fixing himself and being there for his children has been hard to accept.  And, yes, it's selfish of me to want him to fight for me like I felt like he was in the A.  He needs to help his kids through this tough time.  He needs to work on himself so he never has an A again and can move on to have a healthy relationship.  And, most importantly, I've chosen to finally do what I told him all along - work on MY marriage to determine if it's as wrong as I thought it was during the A and if xAP and I are as right for each other as we thought we were.  It's totally hypocritical for me to want him to be professing his love to me.  But the part of me that is still romanticizing our "relationship", that is still holding onto the "maybe it really was as real as we thought it was and maybe we will find our way back to each other", is having a very hard time accepting that he flipped a switch as soon as Dday came and we were thrown back into reality.  He vowed to love me forever, always be there to protect me, whether near or far, etc, and instead, i've felt like he left me all alone as we've both handled this completely separately.  Again, understandably so.  For us to handle it together would mean we'd still be in the A, which obviously neither of us were willing to do after a D-day.  But it still hurts.

Some days I feel like i've got this all figured out - the last couple of days have been better, the fog has lifted more, I feel like i'm finding my way more in my M and that we really can come out of this ok.  And then I go backwards, playing conversations that xAP and I had over in my head, remembering times we spent together and how complete I felt, and then I feel tripped up again. 

But then I read something like this: "You are the one who has to make the choice.  The choice is to move on from being in a dead spot.  Move on to something.  Commit to something.  Even if it is just yourself. That's what I have done." and I am reminded how true that is.  I am the one behind the steering wheel.  Thank you for that reminder. 

Sorry for the nonsensical rambles - all this is so hard to figure out and half the time I don't even know what i'm trying to say, but i'll keep reading and learning.