Burning Bridges (told both)
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| Sat, 06-11-2005 - 9:45am |
DH finally asked me point blank last night what had happened between XMM and myself. I couldn't say anything, not wanting to hurt him, but unable to lie. Finally I answered his questions. He was shocked and so hurt. I am so sorry that he is hurt but I cannot believe he is shocked. I have spent so much time trying to tell him how my needs aren't being met. Asking what we can do, telling him I want to be best friends again. Probably the last 7 yrs of our M. Everytime I bring it up he just says I have a problem or says it will be better when --------(fill in the blank). We saw a MC a few years ago and she told me I should just leave because he was not interested in fixing the problem and if I didn't leave I would end up having an A. I can not fix this M by myself so the ball is in his court. I am willing to do anything to have a true partnership with him. He slept in the guest room last night and I don't blame him. I should have never done this but I am going to have the relationship I need. i know it was wrong. I am done living any kind of lie. I have to admit that I am petrified. My DH wants to call XMM wife and may but actually right now I don't really care one way or the other. I asked him not to, but if he does I understand.
Now the other part of the drama XMM. He kept wanting to be my friend. I was struggling but turns out so was he. So Thurs nite we talked, it turned into phone sex. Talked again on fri and he brought up the question if I wasn't with my H and had a man who loved me, was there for me and had ic with me would I talk to him the way I do now? Well I have to admit I wouldn't. So I am pretty clear on the need he is filling for me. We even talked about meeting in a few weeks. Then he calls back at night same deal, guilty blah blah. It is now so clear to me and I am past the hurt enough to talk to him. I explained that being friends is not enough for me (or him either)he is kidding himself. He dosen't want to leave kids, blah blah. I asked him to call me this morning and I am going to explain to him that his choices are to be with w or be with me. I understand that he feels he has to do what is right for the kids but the truth in that statement is he is chosing his w and he is in the way of my life. I understand and he has to do what he feels is right but I need to fix my own problems now. Last time I mentioned that I was going to tell my DH he got all hurt and said I never thought you would do this to me. WHAT???!!!
It is going to be one long and rough day. Time for me to face the consequences of my actions. I feel relieved, no more lies. I may end up starting all over by myself which terrifies me. My whole life has been with DH. Maybe he will agree to some T now. He said I wasn't sorry because I didn't cry last night and I still have not cried. I don't know where my emotions have gone because I just feel nothing. Determination is my driving force now. I am determined to do the right thing.

JST
I hope things work out with you and your husband, sometimes this is the sort of thing it takes to get them to sh$t or get off the pot.
However it works out trust me on this you do not want to end up with a cheating married man, leave that guy in your dust, being with him can only lead to more heartache he has shown you how he handles his marriage problems.....in his own way he is no better then your husband is .
Your hubby is going to be all over the map for a long time to come so don't expect to much consistancey from him for sometime to come.
GOOD LUCK, God Bless
Free
It is such a relief to have made a stand for myself. I am sorry for hurting my H but I have tried for years to get him to listen. Whatever happens will be an improvement. Either we will fix our M or end it. DH and I are going on a long drive to the coast today. Lots of time to talk, yell, cry and think.
I am so done with XMM. He called today to say he couldn't talk like we were going to. I said OK I have to say 2 things 1) the choice was me or your wife, not us being lovers or friends, and no matter the excuses (family, kids, etc) you picked your wife. He agreed. 2) I told him I told my H. XMM almost came unglued wanting to know what I said, but had to go the W was having him drive the kids to a soccer game. I told him not to call later.
I can't believe how good this actually feels. No more indecsion, no more wishing and waiting. Time to roll up the sleeves and get to work. Time to welcome back the me I know and not this other selfish person I became who took whatever she wanted.
Thanks for all your good advice Free. I have been reading and posting since Feb and it has taken me awhile to get to this point. At first I didn't always agree, and then I agreed, but couldn't see the behaviors in myself and my xmm. Little by little I recognized and knew the truth until finally I was strong enough to act on it. Now even though I don't know what will happen I know it is an improvement and as long as I have my integrity I truly am FREE.
Jst
when you have your itegrity in one hand and truth in the other you have the foundation to build a better future, I hope your hubby decides to build with you.... It will be a tough job but worth it in the end.
What ever happens be it with our with out your husband YOU WILL BE BETTER OFF AND YOU WILL SERVIVE.
Hang in there the ride is about to get interesting.
Free
Hi Jst,
I feel that you had no other real choice in how to handle your situation at this point with your DH and withXMM also. Sounds as if you have tried over the years to reach your DH to try and address the problems in your marriage and as you said, now something will have to change, one way or the other. I too could have been exactly in your shoes. I was so blessed that my DH did listen to me when I talked to him about our marriage problems and thus, gave me the reason and the strength to end the destructive A. If My Dh had just brushed our problems under the carpet, so to speak, I would have had to eventually done what you have had to do.
I know the next weeks and months will be very difficult, but you sound like you have yourself together and you are headed for a better future. I admire and respect your strength and the fact that you have tried in the past to deal with the marriage problems. However, as you know, it doesn't work if only one is trying. Hopefully, your DH will wake up this time.
Hang in there. Stay strong and know that people care.
IP
Thanks so much for the support, I really need it. It has been terrible. It is hard to fall off of a pedestal you didn't know you were on. My H is still in shock. He thought I was the one person who he could trust. It will take a long time before he can decide what he wants to do. I wish he would have been more concerned with trying to fix our M, but he was so content and I didn't have the guts to just leave him. Actually I don't want to leave him but he just won't make any changes. I have been miserable. I hate to throw away 23 yrs of M but there are only two options, rebuild our M to be better then before or end it.
Telling your spouse is a cold dose of reality. Seeing the XMM through my H and kids eyes is sure a lot different then those rose colored glasses we put on throughout an A. When people on the board start missing their AP they need to think about this reality. Anytime you are doing something wrong and making excuses for it you are lying to yourself. This is a relationships built on dishonesty. Think of your AP, what would they do if confronted by your spouse? My H is still talking about telling XMM wife and I honestly don't care. That is between my H and XMM, when you have sex with another persons spouse you need to be prepared to answer to them. I never cared that XMM was married and I guess I never cared about his family either. I am gong to share something very personal with you guys-at the beginning I prayed saying I wanted XMM and the answer I got blew me away. The answer to my prayer was what about xxxx? If you get what you want then I will have to deal with her pain. I knew that God heard my prayers and was concerned about her happiness as well as mine. I know (even if she dosen't) that I have disrespected her but the only way I can make it up is to never do it again.
I can't believe that I sunk so low that I became someone who had zero integrity and who thought that the rules of right and wrong didn't apply to me. I am sad for my H but I feel so much better to finally do the right thing. t will be sad if he leaves but there are consequenses to our actions. I wish I would have dealt with my marriage problems with more integrity but I can not go back and change what has happened. I can only move forward. No more going in circles stuck in this mess I made.
JST
>"I prayed saying I wanted XMM and the answer I got blew me away."<
Maybe he will give you a hand rebuilding a marriage that both you and your husband can enjoy if you ask ????
ANY PORT IN A STORM.
Free
Definately worth a try....
Does this sound familiar at all? I spent the whole day cleaning, I mean really cleaning my house. Made my boys do yardwork, I wanted everything perfect. My teenagers were trying to figure out what kind of drug I had taken. I do feel obsessed. Cleaning up everything in my life. I went through all my files at work last week, told H the whole truth Fri nite, cleaned my house inside and out today. Definately feel that I am getting myself in order.
I am finally back on the right road from this "shortcut". When we were little and went on trips my Dad would take "shortcuts" which usually took twice as long through some little bumpy dirt road. Got to be a family joke. Well I don't see the humor in this but the same idea.
Well KC you sure have had one he!! of a weekend and the truth WILL set you free.... your courage is truly an inspiration. I must say I am a bit envious that I do not have the "guts" to go clean and 'fess up. It is such a difficult call - one that most have us have spend hours and hours here - time and time again agonizing over.
Please keep sharing with us how you and your DH are doing coping with this gut wrenching dose of reality in your marriage. No more denial, no more avoidance and hopefully no more regrets. Your choice to have an affair is in the past. You have recognized the dysfunctional role that this "shortcut" has played in your life. NOW the work really begins.... and you WILL have the strength and renewed personal integrity to face the future - whether that means you will have your DH at your side or if you must continue your life's journey on your own.
What an incredible, pivotal turning point for you - I am cheering for you here on the sidelines......HURRAY KC....YOU CAN DO IT KC.....YOU ARE A BRAVE AND AMAZING WOMAN KC....
((((HUGS)))))
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