cagey guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
cagey guy
50
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 1:58pm
Been involved with this guy now for 4 years. I can't believe it. It is painful to be with him and without him. He claimes that he is trapped in his marriage, that she doesn't sleep with him. He says that it is great with me because it is where he can be open and honest and intimate beyond sex. Have you heard this before? My problem is even though this is wrong and painful and i've broken up constantly with him, we keep coming back together. He says that he has all these family problems. We are older. I am in my fifties and he is 64. The sex is amazing. I am a divorcee after 27 years and i fell into this right when the divorce ended. I can not see him clearly. some of me sees a guy who is basically good but flawed. another part of me is angry and resentful and wonder if he is "playing" me with lines. No matter what I do he keeps coming back. I need the attention and touch i guess. i have dated several other men and feel that maybe i should try and move on. it's so painful to give this up. Any sharing is greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 2:21pm

Hi pe and welcome,


If you read the board a bit you will quickly realize that a lot of posters here were in a similar situation. Hugs to you.


Yes, this guy is using you. He is a total cake-eater. No one is ever 'trapped' in a marriage, he just doesn't want to get out of it and since he has you on the side for sex, why should he. You're making it easy for him to STAY in his marriage. Don't you deserve more than that? Nod your head, Yes :)


We all loved the attention we had from our affairs and yes it's not easy to give up and move on. It's up to you what you want out of life; just know that if you decide you want a real life relationship

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 5:06pm

Hi there,


I wanted to say hello.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 9:22am

Thank you so much for your message. I feel so weak in this. I got out of an abusive marriage for 25 years. right after that I fell into this. I guess I needed attention and he seemed safe. I am stronger now, but he has a way of bringing me back into it. For one thing, I am lonely. The work I do is solitary. I lost my job awhile ago. I used to be very involved in my church, but when I got divorce, I lost many friends. The church does not like divorced women. I am ashamed of what I am doing. I know it's wrong. It's almost like I am willing to do all this just to have someone. He never committs to anything or answers a direct question. In this last argument he told me that my anger is directed to him because of my marriage. That I am mean to him. All he wants he says is just the relationship and no hassles. He really is playing with my head. I have never deliberately hurt anyone, never been told I am mean. He refuses to accept the fact that this is an unnatural situation and it is adding to the anxiety. He keeps telling me that he can tell me anything, that his wife has no time for him. he goes on and on about how amazing our sex is, but seems to speak less about the rest of it. I want more, but I am afraid of my bad judgement and getting into another unhealthy relationship. I don't have money for counseling, and I can't go to the church. I am trying really hard to stick with this last breakup, (two days). he called me yesterday and said he couldn't understand why I keep pushing him away. Now he is trying to involve me with his son, who needs help with tutoring.I don't think he will leave his wife. He hints at it, but I don't know what is true anymore.


This is exhausting, and interferes with my work. I want to be happy. It's odd, but I miss him even though we fight so much.


Do you have any ideas on how to be strong?


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 10:02am

Hi PE -


I don't post here very often, but had to reply to your post -


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 11:44am

You are great. thanks for your answer.


I am bewildered as to why I get caught in this. I know that I deserve better. believe it or not, i am smart. This on top of that marriage is starting to make me hate men. I can recognize everything you're telling me, but I keep making excuses for the whole thing. I think I am hoping that he will really love me. I am lonely. I am a very shy person and it is hard for me to reach out. also, after years of abuse and being told i am stupid, it is hard to believe that i can be successful about things. This guy confuses me in that he seems to try and help me with different things, even when i don't ask for it. He says that he shows he cares by actions. this relationship is makeing me feel like what is it about me that a man can't love? I am attractive, smart, loving? at my age dating is very scary.


I don't know where to gett help for the kind of pattern i am in. I have been so hurt by church people. I am sort of pulling into my shell. He has been important to me because he is company. I want a reall relationship, but i am afrad.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 7:33pm

Hi PE~


i don't have any profound advice to give, but, i wanted to say hi and give you some encouragement. i absolutely understand what you are going through, although my situation is much different from yours (i'm in my 20s, married, and my xAP is in his 40s). But a lot of what you AP is telling you sounds like mine. so, it goes to show you..they are a lot alike..all affairs. If you continue on this path, it will destroy your self esteem, or whatever is left of it PE. The good moments are few and the pain is a lot. You have to decide if that is sufficient for you, because that's how it will turn out, most likely. A lot of people decide that it is ok for them and keep going. Until a d-day comes or until he breaks up with them. Can you bear that pain? I don't think i could.


Hope tonight is kind to you,

Sunshine


.

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 9:24am
thanks for your note Sunshine. I know that this is destroying my self esteem. It is very subtle. I heard from him yesterday and put him off again. I keep trying to explain myneeds to him, but he doesn't get it. I don't want to keep him in my life. I really do want a real relationship. he will just string this along. I say, this s going to end anyway, and what do you think is going to happen with us, but he never answers squarely. Now, last night his son left a message in that his dad, my lover, told him that I have work for him. Not so. I had told his dad long ago that if the boy was having trouble figuring out what to do in his life, I could help him with that. I just don't have the energy or strength to deal with this anymore. I just have trouble being strong when I hear from him. He called me yesterday and also told me about a court case and his other son, and his troubles over that. He's a lawyer. I am trying to put him off again. I've already told him I need a break. he got really upset over that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 9:48am

"believe it or not, i am smart."


Believe it or not, PE, I think the majority of us here are smart - we just seem to make bad choices!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 9:59am

"I heard from him yesterday and put him off again. I keep trying to explain myneeds to him, but he doesn't get it. I don't want to keep him in my life."


You need to make it as close to impossible as possible to get in touch with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 10:12am

Hello!


I will add my two cents too!

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