cagey guy
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cagey guy
| Mon, 11-02-2009 - 1:58pm |
Been involved with this guy now for 4 years. I can't believe it. It is painful to be with him and without him. He claimes that he is trapped in his marriage, that she doesn't sleep with him. He says that it is great with me because it is where he can be open and honest and intimate beyond sex. Have you heard this before? My problem is even though this is wrong and painful and i've broken up constantly with him, we keep coming back together. He says that he has all these family problems. We are older. I am in my fifties and he is 64. The sex is amazing. I am a divorcee after 27 years and i fell into this right when the divorce ended. I can not see him clearly. some of me sees a guy who is basically good but flawed. another part of me is angry and resentful and wonder if he is "playing" me with lines. No matter what I do he keeps coming back. I need the attention and touch i guess. i have dated several other men and feel that maybe i should try and move on. it's so painful to give this up. Any sharing is greatly appreciated.

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Hi
I can't thank all of you enough for your answers and support. It is really helping me to read your experiences and wisdom. He called a little while ago and I let it ring. His message was he would call later. What's amazing in all of this is there is still a little part of me that thinks I am reading him wrong, that he is not selfish, and he really cares for me. It's so easy not to see clearly. I am going to keep reading these posts, and try and get some help. I feel so weak. I cannot seem to shake him, even though I keep breaking it off. He wants to still be friends, I can't, because then I will fall back into it. I'd like to help his son, but I'm afraid to. Yes, I feel guilty about the adultery, it goes against all of my values, but it was easy to push it aside because just being divorced cost me church friends and difficulty trying
Had to say that this board really helped me today. I was stronger when I told him it was over. He gave me the usual huff and puff. He offered tot ake me to lunch when he sensed it was done. He nver takes me anywhere. I stood strong. I asked him again if he was going to leave his wife and he say he didn't know. I asked when do you think this will end, he said I haven't thought about it. He's a lawyer, he's thought about everything i'm sure... He wanted to still call me and I said no. He told me to call me when I was ready and I said no. he said, so I'll get out of your life then, and I said, yes. He was still talking when I hung up.
Even during this conversation he was evasive and trying to pull the wool over my eyes. He denied it was just about sex, of course, and told me about the great conversations, etc. I told him i was worth more than this, and sorry i had wasted 4 years on this.
Bottom line, I am strong now, this minute, but i am afraid that i will back down. help.
As I continue to reread here on this board the posts that we all have written, there is a usual theme of truly wanting to get out of the chaos that these situations bring.
Hi,
Thanks for all of your wisdom. I really need these answers right now. It is true, it is definately an addiction. Even this morning I woke up and thought, gee, maybe I was too tough on him. A part of me started to miss him. It is really hard to face the blunt truth that he still did not choose me except for his needs. I really deceived myself. I can see that I keep choosing the wrong relationship. I have poor self esteem. He made me feel wanted and attractive. I feel now, though, that he never saw my special gifts. I am wondering if there is any man out there who isn't selfish and a user. I feel really discouraged. also, ia am never harsh with anyone and i know that i was harsh with him. isn't that sick? I am having trouble even now not calling him. How do you get through this? I knew that even if I left a thread to contact him I would give in again. i have done that many times. it is hard to be alone. i miss not having someone to talk with. i wonder if he lied about everything. i wonder if he ever appreciated all the listening and caring i did for
"i can see that this will be a day by day battle for awhile."
You hit the nail on the head with this statement, PE!
Hi,
Thanks so much for your encouraging note. It is minute by minute. Already i am having trouble not calling him. It is only because of this site and great advice that people like you have given me, that I can hold on. also, the pain is so real when i realize what it's like when i am in the affair. i'm trying to realize that and remember.
Right now, i am trying to take stock of my gifts. i want it to be something that is positive and will help me and others. your suggestions were great. i really need some extra couseling or something. i went to our library to pick up the suggested books on this site for some reason, they did not have them. do you have any other titles that i could use? my main thing now is not falling into depression. it is hard to be older. sometimes i feel like i am worthless and why even try and salvage the rest of my life. so far, except for my children, it has been rough. they live in other states. my youngest lives with me, but it's been a reall struggle financially since the divorce. just trying to survive with that and then figure out how to make life better is exhausting. did you feel tired all the time when you broke up with yours? i keep wondering and trying to analyze all that he has said. it turns my head around. i keep thinking that maybe i shouldn't have ended it, then i think, no it was wrong from the start, unfair to me, no future, what kind of a guy is he really? what was i doing in the middle of his marriage? was he playing me all that time or was there really affection there? how do you avoid not picking these kind of men again? I love to love on someone, not just physical. i have so much to give, yet it seems that so far, these guys run with it. it's hard for me to believe that he deliberately used me. i guess I can't accept it. i wonder if his marriage was really as bad as he said. some of this i think is because he had been my divorce attorney, and i was really vulnerable. in the past when i was younger i would have run, (i think), from a mm, but who knows? i was miserable, in my marraige and was attracted to other men too, so i can't say. i certainly wanted to at times. who kn;ows why and when these things happen. i don't think every mm is a louse. i don't think i am either, it just happened. i felt very needy, and unattractive and afraid when the marriage ended and he was there telling me how beautiful and smart i was. i wanted to hear that. all of that, but hey, i'm married if i wanted more committment. it became so unbearable. and i couldn't think straight anymore. somebody tell me how awful he is so thati can see him that way and not want him again. i can't see him clearly. tell me what you see please!! the only way i can keep this breakup is to see him clearly, and it is very cloudy. not to mention the guilt i have pushed aside so long.
any posting is greatly appreciated. it is reallllly helping me to stay strong.
Hi there,
I am sensing the stress you are feeling,and I can tell you that I have been there. Though I do not have much time to post tonight, I just want to tell you that real love is not about games. It is life affirming and not this.
Thanks for your note.
It's been 5 days now. I am starting to soften. Help. I keep rereading the postings here.
Last night i had a dream that i was with him and another woman. He kept turning to the other woman. Iwas locked out of the room. Anyway, I am starting to feel a little weak like I might call. I need to see him as a creep. I am starting to think that i was harsh with him. i guess i am starting to need the interaction. it is an addiction. i hate to be harsh with anyone and i am starting to feel guilty for being a B.
please say something that will make me see him as he is.
I don't think there's anything more we can say, PE.
You are so right. There's nothing more to say. I've just got to hang tough.
It's just easier to stay away when I can think of him as a creep. I romanticise the situation and end up thinking he isn't all that bad. Also, that we were so compatible. I know that's a lie.
Thanks for your tough love.
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