cagey guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
cagey guy
50
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 1:58pm
Been involved with this guy now for 4 years. I can't believe it. It is painful to be with him and without him. He claimes that he is trapped in his marriage, that she doesn't sleep with him. He says that it is great with me because it is where he can be open and honest and intimate beyond sex. Have you heard this before? My problem is even though this is wrong and painful and i've broken up constantly with him, we keep coming back together. He says that he has all these family problems. We are older. I am in my fifties and he is 64. The sex is amazing. I am a divorcee after 27 years and i fell into this right when the divorce ended. I can not see him clearly. some of me sees a guy who is basically good but flawed. another part of me is angry and resentful and wonder if he is "playing" me with lines. No matter what I do he keeps coming back. I need the attention and touch i guess. i have dated several other men and feel that maybe i should try and move on. it's so painful to give this up. Any sharing is greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 1:17pm

Hi,


five years ago i went to him to file my divorce. he is an attorney. it took a year. during that time he sent clear messages that he wanted an A. i knew what was going on, but i felt it was wrong, and i was shell-schocked. thru the years there have been many mm who have approached me and i always stayed clear. as soon as my divorce was final, and i mean that day, he was constantly calling me and trying to meet me. he finally told me that he knew that divorced people needed sex. he made it clear that he had a miserable?? marriage. he kept calling me a special friend who understood. Frankly i finally gave in because i was so needy and vulnerable and just wanted to be held. This continued on for 4 years. during this time i must have broken up with him 20 times. i always give in. also, during this time he got cancer, his boys got into trouble, his marriage supposedly got worse, idon't know. i tend to believe. i dated others but only slept with him. it finally became clearer what a false relationship it was. i still can't see him clearly. he is selfish, but i don't think evil, just self-centered with his own needs. he doesn't ever get why i want to end it. i have felt terrible guilt and as time went on disgust with myself and anger. the anger is out of control now. i think that's what is giving me strength also to hold out.


none of our stories are very good. they are all disillusioned dreams. i romanticised mine. iwanted a romance after an abusive marriage, thought he was my soul mate, and chose to ignore that he was M. iwas very wrong. even if it is true that his wife is awful, i have no place in this. i was selfish also.. this is not usually like me. i don't make excuses. it is just very powerful.


i hope that you can hold out too. we don't ever win in these situations. i've been reading other messages and everyone feels the same. it is powerful and destructive.


Write when you want. i can always use another friend in this.


i wish you well.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 1:37am

Hi pe012006,

Thanks for writing down your story. It always amazes me how women like us end up in an Affair. And how the affairs almost always end the same... with the woman feeling that she needs more than being just a little side dish.

I hope the anger will remain with you for a longer time. Anger is so much better than sadness, isn't it?

hugs
Htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 7:48am

how true.


Anger at least for this, helps.


I usually treat people with kindness but i am naive. this is so destructive. he called me again last night and of course i picked it up even tho i swore i wouldn't. he's still evasive. says he doesn't let himself get too emotionally involved because if he tells me he loves me then i will want him to divorce... same old. i don't know what i expect. looks like i broke my

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 8:41am

hi pe012006

I guess I am already in the same mess as you :(
I am so tired of it all. My xAP always comes fishing with the same kind of crap, he says: "I can't talk about my feelings for you too much, because I am married. " (in other words: "but I can have sex with you!")
It's ridiculous.

I hope you will feel better soon :(

hugs to you,
htgo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 10:42am

<>



If you picked up by accident, you could have simply said, “I cannot talk right now” and hung up. That is not rude. You WANTED to talk to him otherwise you would have hung up. At least be honest about it.



<

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-18-2009 - 10:48am

I think you both

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 1:42pm

ok,


so i let it ring and he left a message. he said, "you mean so much to me,blah a=-xxblahhhhhh. then, "i won't leave my wife. i am too old and i would be financially devastated. BUT i care for you. Why else would i keep calling you and put up with this Sh... and all of your baggage. i can talk to you about everything and this is the best S i've ever had. you care more for me than i do for you because i am married. i was in your place once and it worked, she cared more for me... oh, and if you find someone you really want to have a relationship with i would have to end this because that WOULDNT BE RIGHT."


Hve you ever heard anything like this before? and I should want to sleep with himn,,,, why?


Lets see now, he doesn't love me, won't leave his W, tells me i have too much baggage, and this is alot of Sh to put up with. and,,, i care more for him than he does for me.


It is blaring on my nose, yet whey does this still hurt me and why don't i get really mad?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 2:43pm
You don't get really mad? Wow, I would be so angry if my xAP would leave me a message like that. It's so mean!!! I'd probably feel hurt too. Angry and hurt. Ugh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 7:55am

you know, I am in such an A fog that I had to reread what he said to me to get it. Basically, he thinks he can say anything and treat me anyway because I have put up withit. he actually said that he hasn't had such a deep relationship, someone to talk with, etc. for years. And, he admits the A fills in the spots in his marriage that are missing, but there is so much more to us than that. he said he won't break up with me because of that.


It is so good to reread the answers here from everyone. I think because my marriage was so long and abusive, i have no sense of i deserve better. just love me, i don't deserve real love, just some kind of attention and touch.


THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your response . i need blunt, honest anwers to keep me in check and keep seeing it as it is. it's going on 3 weeks now. longest i've gone without him. i am going to block his number. i didn't want to do that because he claims we can still be friends, but i have to do what's best for me. it just feels mean.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 10:28am

Hey Pe012006,

It's VERY important that you keep rereading and reminding yourself of all the things that he has hurt you with. Because it's so easy to forget it all... The pain, the hurt, the sadness...
for me it's very important to write it all down. I reread it all the time.

Block his number. You can do it. NC might not feel very friendly at the moment, but it's the best thing ever. Be glad that you can go NC. I wish I could do NC too, but I have to do LC since he lives nearby. I wish I never had to see him again.

You are not a mean person when you block him. You are protecting yourself. Who is going to protect you when you don't do it? xAP certainly won't.

Big hug
Htgo