cagey guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
cagey guy
50
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 1:58pm
Been involved with this guy now for 4 years. I can't believe it. It is painful to be with him and without him. He claimes that he is trapped in his marriage, that she doesn't sleep with him. He says that it is great with me because it is where he can be open and honest and intimate beyond sex. Have you heard this before? My problem is even though this is wrong and painful and i've broken up constantly with him, we keep coming back together. He says that he has all these family problems. We are older. I am in my fifties and he is 64. The sex is amazing. I am a divorcee after 27 years and i fell into this right when the divorce ended. I can not see him clearly. some of me sees a guy who is basically good but flawed. another part of me is angry and resentful and wonder if he is "playing" me with lines. No matter what I do he keeps coming back. I need the attention and touch i guess. i have dated several other men and feel that maybe i should try and move on. it's so painful to give this up. Any sharing is greatly appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 6:14pm

Wow. What a tool he is. I can't believe he actually had a nerve to say you all of that - putting up with your sh** and baggage. He made is sound like he's doing you a favor - after all, who else would put up with all of that. Who does he think he is? (shaking my head here).

I would be actually glad to receive a message like that - that would end all doubts about ending right there, on spot. But at least he honestly admits he won't leave his wife - there is no second guessing in your rightful decision to kick his sorry ass to the curb.

Stay strong. Block him, he is totally undeserving of you.

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 8:56pm

Hi pe :)


We've talked about it several times here, but it aways bear repeating for the newbies.


The 'ending' is as much a rollercoaster of emotions as was the affair itself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 7:30am

Thanks for all of your answers. I really need the honesty and clarity that you bring to me.


In his miessage, the one where he tells me he is putting up with me, he said he would call me today after a brief vacation. of course, to make arrangements for S. I am so nervous. I really want to blast him for what he said to me, but i realize that he is not worth it.


What's hard is we talked to each other several times a day. it was so much like a real relationship, but not really. i will miss the contact. that's what's hard. even though i know that this is really bad for me i still feel that urge to talk. i just want to get through the next courple of weeks. i can feel the urge to talk getting less. i just get lonely. in a weird way he was a contact. i work out of my home because i lost my job and lost a lot of friends when i divorced. they were through my church. there has been so much hurt. he also has a block against christians, i don't just trying to recover from the fallout. i sort of withdrew into myself and have relied on him for company.


Thanks so much for everyone's help.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: pe012006
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 2:21pm

I totally agree that the end is very rollercoasterish. But trust me when I tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 9:05am

although it might take time to learn...most of us have had to take a few times to learn....the best reaction to someone who sucks the attention from us and who also gives us the attention we are junkies for...is to cut off the attention...stop the madness...stop the habit....just....stop....it all....it is also the route to finally moving on. It will hurt like any loss but you will get through it if you WANT to.


Change your number. Grieve your loss or the feelings of habit and attention and/or thrill/drama, whatever it really is. Emerge from the Fog. Be alone over and over

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 1:33pm

thanks for your words.


I have quit this several times. his last phone message help though. imagine being told he puts up with the Sh.. and i have lots of baggage, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: pe012006
Thu, 11-26-2009 - 1:54pm

LIZZIE! *wave wildy*


How the hell are ya?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Fri, 11-27-2009 - 5:18pm
You are all great. there is strength in numbers. Did everyone get through Thanksgiving okay? no wanting, no needing, regrets? It is still crossing my mind, although the busyness helps. I hate to have to think what is motivating my need in this. ithink for me it is attention. wanting to be wanted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 2:11pm

I did fine through Thanksgiving. Now I am getting so I want to contact him. I miss talking with him. we used to talk at least three times a day.


Am I reading this wrong? He tells me he puts up with this SH.. and all of my baggage and the thing about me loving him more, and i wonder, why is this not putting me off? It is insulting, right? i can't seem to see it that way. he is very analytical and i am emotional and i keep wondering why can't i just see him in a very non-emotional, need a relationship, way. just like guys can do. i need company, and he has his needs, why can't i just leave it at that? am I being a fool when he isn't going to leave his wife? what if it's true that they have no relationship? what does it mean when he says i am more than a friend, he cares for me deeply, but he can't say he loves me because then he would have to leave his wife. is it possible to do this and just keep it shallow? it's been 4 years now. this is the longest breakup i've had with him. now it's almost a month. are there women who are able to just be with someone and not need more? is there something wrong with me?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: pe012006
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 12:34pm
I was doing real well for a month. Then he kept calling me. I was lonely so instead blocking the number I picked up. He said, I miss you, there is more to this than S, etc. Consequently I slept with him . I just can't seem to stick withthis. I am very ashamed that I am so weak in this. He seems to be making no effort tohide this at home. My number with my name is on his cell phone. I don't expect any one to be able to offer much, it's my fault, I can't seem to do this. He tried everything, getting me to feel sorry for him, etc. and I was strong. then i just had one weak day and there he was again. he is older and keeps telling me that he needs me also for the intimacy he doesn't get at home. every time a problem pops up he calls me. this confuses me because i do empathise, it's just that it leads to S. in some ways he seems to be confused why i don't find someone who can do more with me. yet, there he is. he says he is with his wife because she makes the money more than him, his business has been doing bad for the last two years. he says he can't afford to split. keep in mind, he is 64. there could be some truth in that. what is in this for me? i don't know. after 4 years i seem to know him so well. i tried to just be friends, but he keeps pushing. i really wish that i could move or find someone else so that i could end this.

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