Call me a warped out Wonder Woman
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| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:52pm |
(or just a pathetic masochist…)
I have been finding the experience of therapy very empowering for me. One of the reasons I “escaped” my reality by soothing myself with an A ( not to mention also indulging in alcohol, workaholism, shopiholism and whater other “aholism” you can think of) is that I never felt supported – it seemed that I was always better taking care of others rather than myself. You should have seen my T’s face when I spilled the beans about the most recent “bump” in my road to recovery. (I finally thought to mention the incident in the last two minutes of our session today –HUMMM?)
Yesterday I was alone in my sales office when my XMM dropped in for a “chat”. He asked me if I minded. The bells and whistled were ringing in my head but I said – “NO, Of course, not” – (I am an adult and in control of my thoughts and feelings – RIGHT! –and as ever - accommodating to the extreme) He wanted to know how I was making out in T and I told him that I was finding it very helpful. In fact, I happened to have my journal handy and read to him 4 pages of notes that I had written after my last session. i.e All the reasons that I had been attracted to him in the first place and the reality of how I viewed him now and the conclusion that all I missed about him was “how he made me feel” Translation…. I DON’T MISS “YOU” AT ALL…….. (I can fake it ‘til I make it like the best of them)
My therapist asked me (somewhat incredulously, I think) “You mean he came to you looking for support” I looked back at her and had a lightbulb moment – when am I going to stop trying to take care of everyone? What was I really trying to prove – if we were really such soul mates we can help nurse each other back to health? How DUH! Is that…. (I am reminded of Mo’s conversation with her XMM when he was supposedly looking for advice vis a vis a new girlfriend) When are we going to just STOP and take care of ourselves? How many ways can you spell M-A-R-T-Y-R? How about starting with S-T-U-P-I-D.
Today I got the following e-mail from my XMM
<<<<<journal entries.Some of it realy hit home.You are
still sitting very high on that pedistal with me. I'm
sorry that I can't contain my feelings for you.I don't
know what the rest of our lives will hold for us but I
just want to let you know that what ever feelings that
I had for you will always be there....sorry if I can't
let that go.I do respect your sincere effort to
finally end this affair and I do think that you are
stronger than me in this matter.I think that the help
that you are getting will help.If you can share some
of this knowledge
with me I would welcome it.When I said that you were
beautiful to me,I really meant it,I realy do love you
so much.Your hug today felt like.....All the love I
needed.>>>>
Well sounds like he got a good ARTIST fix – I feel like I have been run over by a Mack tuck. My T suggested that in my “fragile state” it may be better for me to suggest to my XMM that he look elsewhere for support. Hey – yah think? (ROTFL)
WHEW – I feel much better now – thanks all for listening. I have to go now I have an important e-mail to send. This is how it will read:
__________________________________________________________________________________________
I will also always have fond (and some not so fond) memories of our relationship but now I must move past the experience of “us” and take care of me. I hope you can also move on and find the support that you need during this difficult time. Please do not seek it from me as I need all my strength to concentrate on my own personal healing.
I read something yesterday that applies to our situation.
“THERE NEVER WAS OR WILL BE A REAL FRIENDSHIP ONCE YOU CROSS THAT LINE...you can not go back and any attempt to do so leads more often then not back to the affair or attempts to suck you back into it.....ongoing contact just keeps dragging you back to square one again and again so that you get to relive the pain of ENDING IT over and over again....NOW WOULD A REAL FRIEND WANT TO DO THAT TO YOU: "YES/NO"? “
I know that your answer would be "NO"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
(Thanks FREE – I hope you don’t mind that I quoted from one of your posts)
ARTIST

Artist
Feel free to use anything that may help at all.
Thanks for sharing, I think that S-T-U-P-I-D M-A-R-T-Y-R thing is going to ring a lot of bells around here, sure rung mine.
Free
OK, I'm calling you Warped Out Wonder Woman. And Free called my XMM Captain Wing Nut and I'm still laughing.
<<>>
Feel good about it, Artist, you didn't fall for his patheticness like I did. Blindsided, I was. In my case, I'm not thinking M-a-r-t-y-r. I'm thinking just plain old s-t-u-p-i-d, much clearer to me now than it was when he called.
But I still maintain that being in a care-taking profession (and Free, stop feeling sorry for my clients right now!!!!)my maybe idealistic, maybe polyanna desire to help people kicks in almost automatically, even when the person needing help is an insensitive jack@ss. Plus, I've got huge boundary issues...actually, I've got no boundaries...
Love, Mo.