To call or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
To call or not
15
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:53pm

My A is over. It is weird but it was like I lived in a bubble for awhile and it has popped and now I feel so stupid about the A. Anyway I have been in NC now and am doing fairly well. I have so many questions I would like xMM to answer and I know if I called him he would answer them and I think it would give me some closure, but do I want to do that?

I am not going to go back to him, I really just want to know the answers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 1:26pm

If you're anything like me, those questions will drive you crazy for a very long time unless you get them answered. I wouldn't recommend calling though. Is there a way to send him a private email or something? If it is at all risky that way, don't do it. Call if that's the only way, but you will need to get answers.

I've sent numerous emails to my XOM during our breaking up process, to vent, to reiterate my viewpoint on everything, and to ask questions. Each time I did it, I felt better, and swore to myself it would be the last letter. But I ended up writing another one just last week, because of a phone conversation with him that left me angry all over again.

I'm just concerned that talking over the phone might make it more difficult..he may express sadness or some other emotion that stings you right in the heart. You don't want to go back to stage I of the healing process again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 3:11pm

This sounds like my situation. I am baffled how a week ago OM was praising his love for me, offering me support in any way as a friend and all of a sudden started getting a bit abrupt by the end of last week. After calling and calling, he never returned my calls. I did get in touch with him sunday, but still the same attitude from him. I did send him an email, but not sure if he would write back. I feel after all the calls over the weekend to wish him a happy new year (he has caller id and saw all my hangups when he wasn't home or didn't answer) that I called enough. OM is single, not married. He did get out of a 6 month relationship a couple of months ago and I am wondering if suddenly they reconciled. It hurts very bad to not know and wonder

I totally understand your feelings with closure. If this is going to bother you, maybe you will have to contact him for an explanation of a few things. But like the other post said, it might make it worse talking. It may stir up feelings and bring you right back to where you were.

You are in my thoughts. Hang in there.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 3:24pm

Thanks for your replies. I wrote an email which I have not sent and it felt better just to write it down. I think I will wait until he calls me. I know he will whether it is soon or in a week. Then I will have a better grasp on my feelings.

I find I am logging onto this board with excitement to see if someone responds to my post like I used to when I would sign onto my email waiting for email from him. Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:31pm

HI,
one thing I have learned -
They will call
But
They feel better about talking when they are the one to call.......
It took xMM weeks to call, but then he started again.......calling and leaving messages.

brave it out.....write stuff down......and rewrite it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:40pm
I will wait another week, but eventually I will send the email, but I am sure there will be many more drafts. Thanks for answering
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:01pm

ADP

Write as many e-mails as you like but I would suggest that you never send any of them, refuse phone or face to face meetings, affairs rarely have Closure most efforts to get it seem to lead either back into the affair or to even greater anger and frustration with the XAP.

Forget him and move on, you can't go foward looking backwords.

JMNSHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:08pm

Hi everyone. I'm a lurker and now on my 3rd wk of NC. We ended on friendly terms, telling me to "keep in touch".

In fact, I really do care about him (friends, we do not love each other, just good friends). He has some serious guilt he needs to deal with where his 4 yr old daughter is concerned and I'm not mad for him ending it. I understand his reasons. I always hated that he had a child. We're both married but I don't have any kids.

Anyway, the thing is, I really do miss talking to him about anything and everything... I miss the friendship we had. I am really considering calling him to say HI and wish him a Happy New Year and see how he's doing. That's it. It's over and I've accepted that. I've really concentrated on improving things with my DH and it's been a really great 3 wks for us. But I really do miss the friendship aspect that I had with xMM.

What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:20pm

Kat

"I've really concentrated on improving things with my DH and it's been a really great 3 wks for us"

Keep doing the above, maybe in time you can develop that sort of friendship with your husband so you can have it 24/7 risk free.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: adp03
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 9:59pm
I wouldn't call or email if I were you. I demanded that my questions be answered...and even though he answered them in the very nicest way possible...it didn't change anything....and it just left me with more questions and pain. I'm up to 5 days...total NC. I wish that I would've done this a month ago. A week ago...I wrote him an email stating all of the reasons that we could NOT be friends. I was going to send it...but I didn't...it's better off in my draft box. Nothing that I could say to him would change anything either...so I decided to say nothing(except for please don't call me.) I feel so much better now that I'm not obsessing over whether he's forgotten about me yet...or if he still loves me. Who cares? No matter what the answers to those questions are...we aren't together and we're not going to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
In reply to: adp03
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 7:47am
I know I should not email him. The only problem is that I will have to see him in social situations and I just thought some clarity would make those times easier. I am only on my 5th day of NC and you are right about the answers to the questions, it will not change the outcome. I still donot want to go back.

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