To call or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
To call or not
15
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:53pm

My A is over. It is weird but it was like I lived in a bubble for awhile and it has popped and now I feel so stupid about the A. Anyway I have been in NC now and am doing fairly well. I have so many questions I would like xMM to answer and I know if I called him he would answer them and I think it would give me some closure, but do I want to do that?

I am not going to go back to him, I really just want to know the answers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: adp03
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:21pm

Hi,
look - this is just my opinion, but I also have a similar situation as you.
my xMM is one of my H's best friends and has been in this circle of friends for over 15years.

If you look back at all my posts since October........my dilema was the gatherings......We had to see eachother.
Sometimes we smiled at eachother and had that longing, sad, I miss you stare.
It made him call once in awhile after he saw my face - saw that my H and I are no longer wearing our rings.....(filing in March)
then.......no calls...........then a call or a voice mail........then nothing......
Its a freaking rollercoster and it is very bad!!!!

On New Years, my H and I had "the party". The whole circle came - xMM and his W were a bit late because they went out for dinner first.
I finally wanted to show xMM that I was not going to be fazed by him and his fickle " I miss you so much" one day and then no calls for weeks.

I stared at him only a few times when I saw him looking at me. No smiling at him.
and then I ignored him the rest of the night.

I guess what I am trying to say is you and I made a decision to stray a little too close to home.
This is the worst lashing every once your A is over........(next to finding out you are pregn.)

I am trying like hell not to call xMM and say - I am not mad at you just disapointed and sad.........I mean really - if he cared he would be filing for a divorce and be with me.

DONT CALL OR EMAIL HIM
DONT DO IT
Clarity will never be there - only more questions and what ifs.............you say you dont want to go back - then let it go.
And try to show more grace in front of him that I did in front of my xMM........
He will think higher of you.
I blew it really.

Karena

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: adp03
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:58pm
Please don't call him. It will only make matters worse. I called my XMM after three days.He was so nice to me and I felt like I did the right thing and hung up feeling good. He told me he was thinking about me and kept trying to make conversation. I answered his questions and then abruptly got off the phone. I felt I had the last word and felt I had the upperhand. Well I started thinking about everything he said to me and so I felt I needed to call him and talk to him. Show him that I am thinking about him too. BIG MISTAKE!!! When I called he was cold and had nothing to say to me. I asked why he was acting this way and he said "I don't know". He said he would call me back and I said whatever and hung up. I felt like such a fool. He again had the upperhand. It slipped out of my hands so fast. I hate that. Don't call him bc you never know how or what he is going to say to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
In reply to: adp03
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 8:54pm

Here is the update on this one. So today I receive an email regarding xMM business which I do some work for. I needed to send him the email with a couple questions. (of course I hated to do that.)

So he called me and we spoke about the business and he asked me if I could talk and I could not so he told me he would call me back. In the 20 minutes between calls, I realized that I did not need to know the answers to all the questions, but only one. So I asked him since he was not giving the A his all, why didn't he end it? He told me he did not necessarily want to end it, but he respected my decision, he wants me to be happy and he will do what ever I want (about not calling and stuff). He said he missed me. He really said everything I needed to hear. After I got off the phone, I felt the gray cloud lift off of me.

I am not going back to the A. But I received the closure I needed. I totally understand what merehud wrote about, but I do not need to call him now. I know the phone call could have made me feel worse but it did not. We all need different things. He is basically a good guy who does care for me. I know what you are thinking and I can promise you that I do not want to be physical with him any longer. Thanks so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: adp03
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 9:22pm

ADP

"I know what you are thinking and I can promise you that I do not want to be physical with him any longer."

Is there anything else that may keep you holding on to this relationship in any way say EMOTIONALY for example, for it to be trully over you have to let EVERY ASPECT of it go you cannot hold on to anything.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: adp03
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 8:49am

Annakarena wrote: <<<>>>

this is off the thread topic..but feel compelled to ask:

(and you are by no means obligated to answer)...why...if you are filing for divorce in March would you host (as a couple) a party? I wondered if there was an interesting answer to this. A party is a planned event that takes effort and motivation i.e. not a "need" but a "want".

Just curious as I like to know what motivates people to do what they do ( i learn a lot asking questions i suppose)
Thank you,
Lizzie

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