calling hurricanebelle - when to end it?
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| Tue, 02-10-2004 - 3:03am |
So, when did you decide to end your A - before or after your husband got your message and made changes? I don't know what to do because I know I should end it now but I just don't want to. I feel like I have some more exploring to do and physically I want to be with OM so much. THe weird thing is that I have no intention of leaving my husband and OM won't leave his wife either. I couldn't trust this man anyway. I have so many questions for you!
Is it hard to keep the affair a secret? Would you ever tell your husband? Do you have any resources or advice for making the marriage better? I really need help with this.
THanks! Your posts have helped so much! I would love to hear your frank advice - I need someone to kick me in the A** and tell me what to do.
-lazyone

When I started the affair things were not too bad with my H but like you, I needed the attention. The affair just made things worse with my H, and it made it very clear to me that something was wrong there physically.
As time went by I turned more and more to the OM emotionally even though we both had agreed that neither of us were going to leave our spouses. It got to the point where I didn't care if my H found out or not because I was prepared to be alone if things didn't get better. Meanwhile, I was trying to end the affair, not because of my H but because of me. I knew it was time for it to be over once the pain (emotional) wasn't worth the gain (physical). But it was hard to do. I thought I was in love, that we were soulmates, thought all the things that I read here all the time. I was very dependent on the OM emotionally to fill the void. At the time my H was undemonstrative, distant, irritable. Not a whole lot of fun to be around. Sex as either non-existant or unsatisfying. He didn't kiss me, didn't say he loved me, had trouble maintaining an erection. It was pretty awful.
So I confronted him and told him that I thought he needed help, and bless his heart, he got it in the form of testosterone treatments.
Almost right away things began to change. It was like a cloud lifted for him, and he said it was like he was seeing me for the first time in a long time. His whole attitude changed towards me. He was loving, interested in me sexually, kissed me. Gave me everything I wanted emotionally.
That was really all it took. Once things got better I didn't want to continue the affair because now I didn't want to hurt him when he was trying so hard. I saw the xOM one more time and it felt terrible, I felt terrible. I just didn't want to do this anymore and that was that.
So when to end it? When you know you just can't do it anymore. It took a long time for me to end it because I was trying to do it for a variety of reasons - for the OM's good since he was careless and I didn't want him to get hurt, for my good since I didn't want to get hurt emotionally, but it took really caring for my husband and not wanting to hurt him by continuing what I was doing to make me stop it.
Now it's unthinkable. The great "love" was just an illusion because love is a committment. I was a fool to forget that. Love is in the every day gestures, love is the person who's there when you're sick, when you're angry, the person who is sharing your "real" life. The rest was a sham.
For me, an affair won't happen again. I've learned that there aren't any short cuts to happiness and it can't be found by cheating or taking what isn't mine to take. If it gets unbearable at home I will leave or ask him to leave, but my happiness can't come at my h's or OM's wife's expense. It was wrong.
So I would advise you, since you asked, to encourage your husband to get help. Make the appointment for him with a urologist and offer to go with him if you have to. Tell him that you want to see him taking steps to get help and that you expect him to get moving.
If my husband hadn't made the effort I would have left him. But he did, and I'm so glad!
My husband does have an appointment to see a doctor next week. He doesn't have any sexual perfermance issues, just a permanent case of a bad mood and stress! I told him I couldn't live like this much longer.
This SUCKS!
Thanks again for telling me more about your situation. It really helps!
-lazyone2004