Calling the Process
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| Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:11pm |
As far as xMM goes, the same. I am over this man--i used to be in denial (up until november, i would say) that we would somehow find a way to be together. I am no longer in denial. I am just tired of not being acknowledged by him, even as a friend. As many of you know, i did not post here from October thru March, because xMM and i had found a way to occasionally communicate and be friends. Even during that time, while i got a rush when i heard from him, I DID NOT have expectations that our A would start up again.
Many of you will disagree witht his, as i broke NC to do this (honestly, i can't have NC until little league ends on June 13th) but i thought i would call xMM on "the process" today. I was rude to him on Sunday afternoon--and even after he has been the same to me for months now--i am not OK with being rude to anyone. Therefore, i felt it was important to make amends for this.
This is the email i sent: (please know i sugar coated this somewhat and took some of the blame for my behavior for having a bad day, which is not really true--but xMM can only take reality in small dosages, so i had to cushion this email somewhat):
I feel like I may have come off as rude to you at the field over the weekend, and I am sorry it that was the case. I had just had a particularly hard weekend and day and was reeling a little bit from that. And honestly, we've not spoken in a long time and often, it feels we totally avoid each other at the field so, I was taken aback a little bit by your willingness to connect with me and talk. I am glad you did, though, because what I want more than anything is for us to be friends.
I am doing fine and so are all the boys!
Clarice
Should i have sent this? I don't care! I needed to. I don't care what he thinks--i really really don't. I haven't heard back from this note (i sent it 2.5 hours ago) and i probably won't. xMM is so small that he cannot deal with even the simpliest forms of human communication over feelings and issues. It's not OK to me that he doesn't speak with me, avoids me etc. and then think it's totally OK to walk across the field and give me a kiss. It's just not. I am real and honest and direct and am tired of absorbing this A all on my own. It's been one body blow after another--because he was never there for me to lean on and work out some things.
An ambigious end to this A and friendship is not going to work for me. He either has to step up and play his role in my life (as a FRIEND) or nothing. I am not taking any more body blows.
Clarice
OK. Go ahead and ream me out for this! I am expecting it and can take it. But i am not going to play games with him anymore--and to pretend that these two kisses he's give me lately aren't out of blue is just a game--and probably created a situation where he thinks he can do whatever he wants with me: blow me off, ignore me; accept his kisses, whatever. HE CAN"T. I have been a silent sufferer in this relationship all along--and i am going to try and be AUTHENTIC and myself (like i used to be).
I know i will have more heartache when i do not hear back, but honestly, ladies, i have nothing to lose and only a shred of my self esteem to gain.

This is a support board and obviously we all come here to "dump" what we need to. If you've got theories, etc., that you need to bounce off someone, this is the place. Frankly, I can't think of a single other place where you have that freedom, so please don't be discouraged about sharing your ideas here.
You have the gift of being a deep-thinking, complicated person who needs to get to the bottom of things. If you weren't, you'd be able to dismiss the whole darned relationship with OMM, wipe your hands clean, and say, "well THAT'S over." It's not that easy. I hope for both of us that some day it IS that easy.
It's a process. Go thru it and do what you need to do to feel better. I wish I could say that no one here will "ream" you for expressing your thoughts and feelings, but that's not the case. In any event, you know I'm another deep-thinking complicated person and I'm here to listen. Love and more gentle hugs, Mo.
I am also here to listen. As I said in a prior post, I find strength and encouragement from your posts. I wish I was able to post my feelings the way you do, it is much to painful for me right now. But I learn everyday from you posts. Thanks so much for sharing.
Love
Lexy
Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and everyone goes through this process in their own time and manner. Remember, this is a support board and most people here are already hurting very badly. People do not need to be reamed out here ... especially when their lives are already in such a state of turmoil. Maybe you meant well but maybe you should review the words of your post before pressing the the POST button.
Torn
Iknowitstime
(and so do you)