can anyone lend an ear?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
can anyone lend an ear?
3
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 11:32am
hi im new here but ive lukered for abit. i just need someone to listen. ok here it goes!

i ended my affair last week and i was so sure this is what i wanted to do,but to remain friends,this worked for a few days and then he started calling me the pets names he used too and expressing his feelings for me. which lead me into a state of confusion ,"do i really want this? " kinda thing i was feeling like i wanted to go back to him,i told him that we both were sending out mixed messages and he agreed,and decided to talk about whats really going on today. he set the time and the date for us to meet to talk about things(even thou i had no idea where my feelings or head was),but by him setting things up i guess i had an expectation of him actully showing up. and now hes not here,he stood me up, i feel like once he knew i was having second thoughts he was almost using that ,like he was thinking "oh ok ive got her on the hooks to have her back,my works done". but yet i am still here waiting for him to call or something,its times like this where im trying to remind myself why we are done. its just hard to say goodbye for good to the friendship amoung other things we shared together. i do not have a clue what i should do,should i write him an email and say see ya around? or should i sit and wait for him? thanks for listening to me

ilifesadance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 8:12pm
ilifesadance

Forget the friendship if there ever was a real friendship it was lost when you entered a affair with this man.

NO CONTACT is the only option that has a reasonable chance of freeing you from this emotional mess.

I suggest blocking his e-mails, deleting his address from your address book , delete any save e-mails or voice mail, if you IM remove him from your buddy list and change you screen name and the chat rooms you go to.

For many men it is about POWER when the get a woman to enter into an affair and keeping her even if they have no great interest in her is something they due it seems almost by instinct.

Sit down and write out in detail why you ended it and then read that list several times when you have the urge to contact him.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:55pm
ilifesadance -

I can say from my own experience ending a 2 month physical but longer emotional A (we never had intercourse though and maybe that makes it different...)

I ended it too, because I never really was comfortable with cheating. I just can't do that to my H. I wanted to experience the passion and did, but moved on. I still believe that me and MM can be friends, but it is going to take a while. He's pissed off at me - never really explained why, but after I wrote to him a note explaining my reasons and how I didn't know if he had others he cheated with or not - it took him 3 1/2 weeks to write back and tell me he's pissed.

If you decided it was over, then just be strong and stick to your decision. I would not agree to meet him because I think the feelings will come back (I've told myself I cannot go out with him alone because it's just too risky). The only kind of friend I can be with him now is casual acquaintances with a past history of close friend.

I don't understand why he would ask to meet and then not show up. He never apologized? Gave a reason why he couldn't make it? If he didn't then I wouldn't make contact.

If you feel that you have to say something to him, write an email and then let a few days or weeks go by and decide if you really want to send it.

Most say that no contact is best, but for me I don't want that route. Although I have a feeling it will end up there eventually.

Good luck.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:39pm
Dear dance: Hi and welcome! Well, friends don't typically stand friends up. If you want to consider him a friend, he doesn't sound like a very good one. I agree with the previous poster who said that you stopped being friends when you entered into the A.

IMHO, the only way to do this is NC. Otherwise, you're still on the roller coaster. Ending an A is difficult enough once you've made your mind up to do it. Waffling on your decision will only prolong the agony.

You've made the decision to end the A, which might be the most difficult part. Now you need to make sure that all of your actions are in line with that decision. If you want to contact him on a whim, PLEASE sit down and remember your decision and question whether you want to change your decision. If you don't want to change your decision, you have only one choice: hang in there with NC, no matter how uncomfortable it becomes. You'll find support here from others who are trying not to make that call, send that text message or e-mail, etc. Best of luck! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10