can anyone relate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
can anyone relate
7
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 4:11pm

I have been reading the threads on this board for some time and it seems the vast majority of your xap's are jerks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Wed, 12-16-2009 - 4:20pm
I can relate! Sometimes I would wish he would do something so I can think he's a jerk or something. I can't get mad at him, only myself for putting myself through this. He has always been a complete gentleman. I just remind myself he IS cheating on his new wife, so that alone is not that great of a characteristic. But I am doing the same, so we are in the same boat. i know, sometimes it's hard to not have
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: kmg6
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 12:00pm

Hi Kmg,


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Not all are jerks. You may get that impression because when newbies come to the boards we vets. understand that it is health to purge out the negativity before healing can begin. Most don’t purge when xAP was not a jerk so you don’t read about those posts too often.


Here is a great post by Victory that talks about this very subject called “I May Get Flamed for This.”


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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 5:59pm

Hey KMG6,


I for one know that i am a smart, intelligent woman albeit emotional :) I would not have stayed in my A for 3 years if i wasnt convinced that he loved me. Did xap love me?? absolutely. He

"Women can fake orgasms but men can fake entire relationships" -Sharon Stone
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
In reply to: kmg6
Thu, 12-17-2009 - 10:22pm
Wow-this is why I love this board. There seems to be someone who always echos my thoughts! Mine is an EA...you know why that is?? Because he is such a good man, I don't think he would ever cheat on his wife! He also is there for me when I need him. If I text him about a problem I am having, he will usually make time to call me and talk to me for as long as I need him. Sometimes I wish he WAS a jerk, so that I had an excuse to stay away. This is what makes it so hard for me to do NC. He is usually nothing but nice to me. Nom he is ALWAYS good to me-emotionally. And his wife is a huge problem. I know for a fact she is a psyche case and has caused him grief, and money because of her illness. Someone with his lfe has every good reason to have an affair. But he is still with her! Even after all the bad things I have heard. That is patience and how can I fault him for that?? His children and his family are everything to him. I am really having a hard time today so I am glad I happened upon this post. I need to think about times he made me mad and maybe that will help. Right now, he is too high on that pedestal and I need to stop thinking of him way up there...because he is bringing me down the farther up he goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 7:33am

E1,


<<

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 8:07am

This "ending thing" is truly so difficult but thinking about what a terrific man your xMM is will only make things worse. I too can truly say my xMM is a good man. He was the one that stopped our A at an EA and would not let it proceed to a PA. He also is the one who stays strong with every ending and respects the boundaries that I put up. I have been the one

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
In reply to: kmg6
Fri, 12-18-2009 - 11:00am

Hi kmg6,

I can relate too to your post. My xAP sounds similar to yours he never hurt me, he was always there for me, he absolutely never berated or belittled me, he never pushed me sexually (we never had sex), he always treated me with respect, and I know that he truly felt that loved me. However, it was still a fantasy. We did not live in the real world having to deal with life's issues day in and day out. We didn't have to deal with money, or ex's, or step-children, or even cleaning the house, or running the kids around. That is why it was so hard for me too because of the way he treated me and that he was good to me. But, the fact remains he is married and I am married and what I was doing was completely wrong and it wasn't real life.

It was hard for me to maintain NC and it was hard for him initially as well. I always wanted to know that he still cared about me and that he was ok. Truthfully though, I realized that he showed me the most respect and the most caring and understanding when he stopped trying to contact me. He let me go to figure out my life. I realize that now and that is also one of the reasons that I try my hardest to maintain NC for both of us.

Take care