Can anyone relate to this?
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| Wed, 05-11-2005 - 10:48pm |
Hi everyone,
I'm struggling to make sense of things and explain things to myself. Noone I know can relate to what I am going thru, they feel bad for me but relate to a regular breakup (they don't know any different). I went thru a divorce and while that was terrible, this is different. Its worse (in my opinion, sorry if anyone finds offense to this) than if I had been with a man actively living with his wife for the last 2 years. In my situation, he actually left and lived near me and with me really for 4 months (from 7/03-12/03). I've spent the time since then (can you believe it?) waiting for him to move back and basically having a relationship with him that was almost normal. It was normal on my end - he met my friends, my family, we went to a wedding, on a vacation, all the exciting and normal things couples do. But he never got divorced and he never came back and he never told anyone about me in 2 years. Now he is just gone. The last deadline date that he swore he would be back with me passed (May 1st) and he just...disappeared. All phones off. No communication. Of course I could file a police report or hire a PI and find him easily but obviously, he doesn't want to be found. Its all just so surreal. One of the last things he said was that we would be engaged by my birthday (Sept) and he would be back on June 4th. He likes to give these dates and has never followed thru.
I guess what I'm getting to is that I am now almost 33 (in Sept) and I've spent all this time believing in someone who had a secret agenda, a lie, a something (?) that I was an unknowing part of. And I will probably never know. and I'm left to just act like the last two years never happened. I can't explain really how I feel. I feel a giant void. I am totally lost. I don't feel the same. I feel like something tragic has happened to me. I feel like its a death. I feel just so confused. If I think about it too much, I will go mad because there ar eno answers, just more lies. So I just block it. Noone really understands.
Does anyone understand?
Ivy

IVY
If you have not been through it you cannot understand it try as hard as your might it's just to DIFFERENT.
The effect of ending an affair is very much like greaving a death but you don't have a body to bury so you don't get anything like real closure, maybe it is like having a loved one such as a child go missing you never really know what happen.
When you get into these sort of things you give up a lot of who you were before the affair when it is suddenly over your left with a hole in yourself and your life with nothing to fill it.
If you read enough of these post you start to wonder if these cheating hubbies are all insane....more and more I wonder about that.
Your still a kid Ivy you can and will recover from this and go on to have the things in life that you want.
Free
hi ivy,
i can totally relate to u, i too was like u, although i met her friends and also went on vacation, in the end she went home to someone else , not me
like what FREE said, its like death but there is no body to physically buried, OW left and did not say goodbye, although i know where she is right now, i would not contact her even if i have a big urge to, i sent her emails and called b4 but she did not reply so im sure that is what she wanted, no contact anymore, we live in the bay area (san fran) in i just hope i dont bump into her
yes it is tragic, but life has to go on, delele his emails, throw away or hide his pics/cards/letter, u said u are single/divorced, so go out and be seen, im trying to do that myself, u are still very young, im 6 yrs ahead of u and now i have to start all over again, its ok, we re-start our life again
yes, i do feel sad, lost, hopeless and helpless but that feeling will be gone in time and u will also move on, im sure that there will be more than one soulmate for us in this lifetime
affairs are based on lies so there will never be any closure for it, u can close the door yourself
my 2 cents,
max
I am usually a strong person but I feel so weak. Shattered. It's like someone died because unlike normal relationships it is completely over & you can't be friends.
If you are like me you gave up so much of yourself for someone who gave so little. In the end they have their family. . .if they weren't caught and she is not smart enough to leave them and we are left with nothing. Friends and family who have not been where you are don't sympathize with you because they think "you should've known better". Unfortunately love doesn't discriminate or differentiate.
All we can do is live & learn. I have learned to never compromise myself worth, dignity, character, heart, health, & well being for someone who can't do the same for me. If they are so darn unhappy with their marriages they should leave!!!!!!!!! No excuses but they are selfish, self-centered people that look to save themselves.
There can & will be closure. Just bury him like the dead issue he is. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him (clothes, gifts, etc.), close e-mail accounts or block his email address, change numbers. . .don't leave any door open to him.
You may or may not be religious but read Juanita Bynum's No More Sheets. It will seem as if she is speaking to you.
I am starting a program called the Move on & Never Look Back program. I am going to do things I have never done before. All the time that use to be his I will spend doing other things (Reading at the library, going on a weekend cruise with friends, taking classes, etc.)
YOU CAN GET OVER THIS.
Woman on a journey