Can anyone relate? I think I'm done...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Can anyone relate? I think I'm done...
6
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:02am
I think I’m done with this whole A thing.

I wrote a couple weeks back about my MM who told me a fantasy (while we were getting intimate) and it had a bunch of women from work in it. It turned me off, in fact, all I

could think of was ‘just how many of these women has he been intimate with?”

Anyway, I told him that at the time and all he said was “don’t think that”. So we

talked yesterday and again I referred to this and told me it scared me. He just shook

his head no, again, like don’t think that. He asked me if I wanted to get together

for drinks again soon, and I just said maybe.

I em’d him later and told him that I was serious about his story scaring me – I told

him that I can’t stop thinking about how many women he is intimate with. I told him

I just can’t handle it. I said that I just don’t feel the same as I did before. I said I don’t know if this is the only reason or not. And I said this whole thing has been very draining on me. His answer to this was ‘I know it’s hard for you to believe me, but I haven’t shared any of those stories with anyone else’.

He didn’t make any reference to being intimate with anyone. I was trying to give him

a chance to tell me that there is no one else he is with right now (except the W). But

he didn’t.

I am just so tired of all these thoughts in my head. Maybe this is how it ends? Can anyone relate?

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 10:40am
I can totally relate! I just put up another post about being friends - but I didn't get into the issue of me wondering about him and other women. He has a fantasy of being with another woman with me and he actually has mentioned a mutual friend - and it totally turned me off. I don't mind the fantasy of it - but getting specific just turns me off and makes me wonder. He does tell me that he isn't intimate with others, and I believe him, but he can say stuff to me that I know he would never share with his wife. In some ways I like that but in others I think it is disrespectful. I just realized that if I do try to stay friends with this guy I will have to tolerate comments that I don't like occasionally. Hmmmm - something to add to my list to help me back off.

If you are totally turned off and want out after this I would go with it - no, RUN with it! I want to NOT want my MM, but it is so difficult when he pulls on my heartstrings.

-Lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:49pm
IMO, a lot of men will get into affairs just for the exciting sex and to fulfill fantasies, and will share some thoughts with the OW, things they would never tell to the W, because they think the OW has no feelings and that she is in the A just for the sex too. Of course, they will get emotional at times and say some romantic things to the OW... but basically it's the exciting, non-routine sex that gets men into affairs, not the emotional part. Of course they will think about sex with other women! I was jealous of my XMM's fantasies too, when he started telling me about it. I was so naive, I thought he was in the A because he had feelings for me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:48pm
Bored,

You are very right in what you say. My ex(I guess) MM used to say romantic/dating type things to me at first, well after 2+ years, it was all about the sex. And our convos were very explicit. There was no mincing words by him anymore. Things I know he would NEVER say to his wife. But we were very experimentive together, and that was the nature of our affair. But he didn't really have feelings for me although it was hard for me to keep from developing them for him. I can honestly say that the thing I will miss most about never seeing him again, is the sex we had which was the best I ever had. The last time we talked he said he would never again find someone he could trust so much to not even have to use protection, and to have as much fun with. I feel the same way.

I can't imagine I will ever have it that good again with anyone else. And at this point, I will not be looking for anyone else, I am going to try and get H more interested if that is at all possible.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:06am
Dustyrose, I could have written the EXACT same post... it's uncanny how my situation is similar to yours. For him, I was just a sexual object -and according to what he told me, the best one he's ever had, blah blah blah... But silly me, I developed feelings for him and still have them at some point. I also am pretty much convinced I'll never find a better lover but I certainly don't want to hurt like this anymore, so I'm trying to work things out with my H, and try to make him experiment more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 7:38am
I agree that he probably feels comfortable sharing these taboo fantasies simply because it's already a taboo relationship. The excitement of an A gets men thinking about their sexuality. My MM sounds like he had a pretty darn boring sex life at home. In his case, I believe if he would have tried to mix things up a little in his own bed, his W would have probably been happy. Instead, he's as cold as ice to her and goes out looking for "love" elsewhere. Oh well, not my problem, I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 8:39am
Believe it or not, this might be a blessing in disguise. Something that could help you walk away from this and get into more of a healthy relationship with someone that's completely available to you. (And someone that doesn't fantasize or get involved with multiple women at one time!) If you feel you are truly done with all this, walk away. And if he starts trying to play on your emotions, RUN! :-)