Can this be the end? Day 2 of NC - MM really needs your help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Can this be the end? Day 2 of NC - MM really needs your help
29
Sat, 04-02-2011 - 2:35pm

Hi everyone and after spending quite a few weeks reading both MAS, EAS and touching on a few topics in the Healing area I've decided to introduce myself, especially as it's now such a painful time.

I've been in an A since

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
We are not annoyed with you. We just know that you are hurting yourself and her. This is real stuff that you are going to face. And you almost beat it today...but you let yourself fall. You caved n u hurt yourself and her. And one text was not enough, you actually went back and forth n conversed. And what did this accomplish? Now what? So she's not mad at you? And what If she was upset? This contact was not necessary. Nor did it serve any purpose except for you to get a fix. Just leave her be. Focus on you. It's selfish for you to contact her, your sending her mixed messages. She respected the letter sent and left you alone...contacting her contradicted all you said in the letter.
If I were her, I would be upset about the contact, not the letter...
Not reading our messages does not excuse you contacting her, you are going to be faced with these urges regularly. Work thru them...sometimes we may not be available. I just don't know if you would have contacted her anyhow...whether you read our messages or not. You knew what you were going to do the moment you got on the bike and headed in that direction....

You are going to need a lot of will power...block her...as she will likely contact you, you need to be able to never see that text. Block...I d
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
No excuses, put simply. I totally agree with you. I needed that tough love. It's done nothing apart from giving her mixed messages and devaluing the letter which took so long to think about and write. I have gained nothing from the conversing of texts and it couldn't go anywhere.

As you said there will be plenty of times I won't have immediate support. I feel sick for doing it, as soon as I hit send went my heart sank. It's getting late uk time and I'm going to get to bed and put this setback behind me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Oh NewMan, you've learnt the lesson that so many of us had to learn the hard way too. If you touch a hot stove you're going to get burnt. ((Hugs)) to you for having the honesty to come here and tell us what happened.

Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off and MAKE A PLAN. What are you going to do so that this doesn't happen again?? Delete her number from your phone. Block her incoming calls and texts. Commit to biking home the long way round. You need a plan.

It's not fair on you, and its not fair on her, to go poking around in that raw and bleeding wound.

Wishing you strength and serenity

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Hi NM
I really feel for you today. There are no more feelgoods left in this A. They are gone. They were based on brain chemistry because you felt wanted, attractive, powerful. Stop chasing these feelgoods because they were always temporary.

You need to start working out why you wanted these feelgoods. Why were you seeking this? What do you need in your life that the feelgoods were covering?

Once you get these answers, the A will be easier to understand and easier to leave in the past.

Buckle up, it's rough. Delete her from your contacts, don't just change her name on there!

Take a day at a time. Make a promise to yourself. You can do it!!

Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

NMUK,

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Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010

I echo Iddy's post entirely ... and because you're new, and in a fresh kinda pain, I will try to keep the feedback to a minimum.

Remember this statement:

"My son is number 1 out of all this though and he must be looked after, my W also deserves better as I have been so distant."

WHEN you chose to break NC, to go on your fishing trip for your ego boost - fix, you chose to put YOUR needs and yours alone in front of every single other person in your life - including YOUR SON.

Your need for pain relief further risked your family ... your son.

EACH AND EVERY moment that we were in our affairs we made choices to make every one else's well - being totally irrelevant. I did the same thing ... I put 3 chilren's lives at risk - their mental and physical health. THEY COULD TELL that mommy wasn't present, had changed, was more anxious, disconnected, angry ... and they had NO idea why.

You have NO idea the amount of tears I have shed over the lost moments with them since being totally clear from the fog. It is a pain WAY more intense ... it oozes self-loathing & shame. And don't even get me started on what happens to you with a Dday. The level of ridiculus you feel for caring for ONE MOMENT about the end of the affair - well it is enough to almost completely do one in.

None of this is meant to discount the pain that you're in. What I aim to share is a dose of reality. You were two grown adults who colluded together to support each of you to become selfish, self-endulgent, cowardly people who stole from one another - required so little of one another. YES it feels so good to have someone to connect to ... life is relatively easy in an affair! There are no bills to pay, no housecleaning to negotiate, no children battling for attention, no in-laws to contend with ...

Every moment gets to seem like a fun filled adventure because it is draped in secrecy that makes the forbidden fruit the one you seek. Gosh, I was like Mother Teresa in my affair ... always patient, supportive, loving, kind, understanding - I would have been like a stranger to my family ... they were used to a fiery, passionate, stressed out, barely able to sit for a moment woman who was too busy to even sit for a meal! I was willing to play any role that I needed to in my affair to get my ego filled. None of this was conscious at the time ... I just thought this person SO got me, it was so easy & seemingly uncomplicated. It must be love. WRONG!!!!

SHE is the other half of the worst decisions you ever made. What you once experienced as comfort in the stolen moments with JUST ANOTHER WOMAN, you will one day come to regard as the equivilant of being held up in a crack house shooting poison into your viens while your loved ones wondered where you were. YA, sure feels great at the time ... but getting your needs met within an affair is NO MORE sustainable or real than someone smoking the old crack pipe.

And don't be her pusher. You told her it was over now LEAVE HER ALONE.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011

TU, What a wonderful post. I wish that there was some way to make

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
TU
Your post rocks!!!! I am going to keep it to look at every day. It's perfect for really bringing home the reality of what we all did!!
Thankyou
Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Told ya....ya been a vet!
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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