can folks support me in being his friend
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| Thu, 07-01-2004 - 11:20am |
It is not easy to adjust to being friends, yet it is clearly much easier if the relationship was a LD one. Then you do not have to deal with the running into each other and really knowing the day to day things. We live 1000 miles apart. As I have said- to me NC is more like dealing with a death of a friend and I am not sure it has to be that way. I do not see it as an addiction per say. I do not need to have him in my life, but I want him in my life-- very different to me.
I also never had any of the negatives in the past 4 years-- we were friends, lovers and there for each other in so many ways and although he is not perfect he is a good person who is trying to figure out how to be happy and I should support that. He never treated me poorly; and as I think about the negatives-- the only really bad thing he did was to quit on us. I do not know why that happened and I am not sure he will ever really be able to explain it-- but it definitely is over. So I can't rant and rave about how terrible things were-- all I can do is accept it and move on form there.
For me- I need the support to be able to adjust to the new friendship - to enjoy it for what it is and not to think it can be anything more. Yes there are moments that I need to vent...and to be honest that is when I come here. There are times when it hurts, but I am trying to keep moving on and being the person I want to be if that makes sense. I think I tend to post here when I am hurting and need someone to "talk to" if that makes any sense. So I guess I am asking if you can support me in being his friend-- nothing more?
tb

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As long you realize, you may be exchanging an A for an EA (emotional affair). This can also be dangerous ground--how do I know? I've been in one for over a year and a half. I know how very difficult it can be to let go of our xMM. I too am dealing with this daily--painful-painful stuff. I've received sweet and heartwrenching emails from my xMM--he sooo wants to try the friendship road. I can't deny I find this request intriguing--this would be a whole different type of relationship for us. A part of me can't help but laugh hysterically at this request. Unlike you, my xMM and I never focused on friendship per say, but on pleasure, flirting, sex, and fantasy. A friendship? I don't see it for me. Will I try this tempting offer? I don't know. I'm still playing with the idea in my head. I can't help but think this is his way of holding on, and possibly try to use the friendship door to go back to what we had. Just my very very humble thoughts, ~ifm
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that having NC is like the death of a friend. That's how I'm feeling. Like I'm understanding that he needs to do this for his family, but severing complete contact makes me feel like he's not even alive anymore, even though he is. All that this NC has done for me is to love him even more, and to be stronger in terms of putting those feelings aside for a friendship. Only that friendship isn't there for me right now. It's very hard.
So I understand where you are coming from and why you want to be friends. Be aware that it's going to be painful for you sometimes. But every time it because that painful and you feel sad or angry, just think what it would be like not to talk to him for a long time. Believe me that saying "You don't know what you got until it's gone" really does hold true. Best of luck!
Gosh, this is the situation I'm in at the moment, well, at least today and part of yesterday. Since we no longer talk, I can't help but feel I miss him and love him more and more. I never felt this strong about him when we were talking, so, I'm clueless as to why this it happening now. So, the quote, "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone" hit me hard.
I almost feel like we could try friendship at this point, but only if we stop the sensual flirting and the sex talk--otherwise, I'm done with it. Then, I start to realize, what will we talk about:? his wife & kids, my husband, our separate lives, our separate hopes and dreams--these were sore spots for us both in the past. Am I kidding myself into thinking we can talk about these things as friends, when we could barely talk about them before without jealously and envy--hardly eh? Wishful thinking? ~ifm
You are probably experiencing it more now because you are going through withdrawl and missing all of the wonderful things you had when you were together. It's "easy" to take those things for granted when you are experiencing them. So when they are taken away, there is a huge void there.
I've always felt this deeply for my xMM, but I spent the first five months of keeping my feelings for him buried, more for his sake than for mine. So all of the sudden when the NC started (although it hasn't really been complete NC), it just made all of those feelings resurrect. It seems crazy after all of the hurt, but nonetheless they are with me now more than ever.
About you being friends with your MM. That certainly is feasible even though I know a lot of people won't agree or think it's necessarily healthy. I happen to be living proof of that from a previously relationship where my X and his W were mutually separated, dating and headed for divorce. We have a great friendship now, I don't even think about the past anymore or what went on. Now, instead of talking about us we talk about things we might have in common, our jobs, or anything else that might interest us. We even talk about our children. It was a long road to get there though, but I am very glad we were able to stay friends and I have him in my life.
Anyway I hope this gives you a little insight and you'll make the choice that is right for YOU. Take care of yourself first, and good luck!
I am doing the same with my OM. I tried to go NC, but it did not work out very well. So I am emailing him and talking to him ,but not everyday. We will have contact for a week and then nothing at all for another couple of weeks. We keep things very light nothing too personal or pertaining to our previous R. We are really good friends to begin with so its easy role for us to slip into. I am sure you can be friends with him very easily since it was LDEMA. Wish you the best.
Juliet
I did keep him at arms length when it came to sharing my feelings for him. Oh, he knew I loved him, and cared for him, but I was careful not to be overly emotional about it. I guess I thought I was somehow protecting myself from getting hurt--that's a laugh. In many ways I see myself as the overly emotional one now--though I'd never admit it to him. I can be very stubborn about showing my true feelings. In the past, though, he had a way of "getting" my feelings out of me. That's why I stopped the phone calls--I know my weakness for him could easily be found out in a lengthy phone conversation, and boy did we used to talk on the phone--hours and hours would just slip by like minutes. Sometimes we didn't say much--just hung out together--I remember watching a hockey game with him on the phone--that was fun--rooting for same team, and because he is in another state, the delay time was funny--I'd cheer a few seconds later than he would, lol.
We used to joke at how his reaction to me is more feminine and mine toward him are more male. What that meant for us, is, he was more forthcoming or "emotional" and I was more "distant" or the one less to share or communicate when it came to declarations of love, but it didn't mean I didn't feel the same way--maybe I felt it more in many ways. Funny, things between my husband and I are just the opposite. Not sure what THAT means, lol.
Goodness I am a chatterbox today, thanks for listening, it's helping with the pain, I'm feeling better already, ~ifm
I think it is the same with after affair friendships mosy of the time trying to maintain a friendship will not work just drag you back into the affair again, but there are some very few cases were it does work, if there was a real friendship before the affair and not just a relationship based on sexual tension on the part of one or the other AP then maybe it can be made to work.
If your planing on making you marriage work then any continued relationship with the XAP can be considered ongoing betrayle to the spouse and continuing opportunity to backslide.
If I remember correctly the ladies who support the friendship idea are all divorced or ending there marriages and are in a better postion to try the friendship idea then people attempting to protect there marriages.
tb I support you in any decision you make in this area.
JMHO
Free
I have tried to think of all the bad things that have happened over the past 20 years...but there are so few. Sure we had fights and disagreements...but they were always resolved so easily. It always amazed me how easy it was to be with him as a friend and a lover. There was such mutual admiration and respect. So trying to figure out how to kill the relationship in a sense, made no sense to me. The friendship has been there for so long.
We actually talked today. I decided to call his cell phone. He answered and was waiting on line with his 12 yo daughter and her friend waiting to see Spider Man 2. It was a very short conversation. I said hi- and then it just flowed easily. He asked how I was doing and said he was glad I called. I told him it was hard for me to go from talking every day to no communication but that I needed to sort things out in my head. I said I'd like to be friends. He said he would like to stay friends also and missed talking too. He was sorry that he hurt me and that he wants me to be happy. I told him that I would be fine. I said that I knew he would never hurt me deliberately and that I trusted him. I told him I must be insane - but I really did trust his decision. He laughed and said he wanted me to call whenever I wanted and he really does value our friendship. He wanted to talk about my H and I told him that things were difficult but I was going to be OK. (we are separated) I told him I did not want our relationship to feel like this nagging chore of having to talk about these depressing things. I said I do not need your friendship but I would like to have it. He said it will always be there and that more than anything else he wants me to be happy and have everything I deserve. I told him I knew that and said have a great weekend and we'll talk some other time.
I am sure that things will not be easy and that I will be around for a long time here- trying to figure out how to adjust to this changing relationship. I do not want to lose such an incredible friend...even though he hurt me deeply...a friendship like we have is pretty rare. My heart clearly is still hurting. It has been almost a month since we broke up and 3 week since I flew done there (last time we talked). I do not yet know how to handle this-- but I know this is what I want. We have always talked about our family, friends, interests...everything. We know each other so well in so many ways.
I really appreciate your support. I know this goes against what so many of you think is the right thing to do- so it means alot to me. I will definitely need a sounding board as I too will have those terrible days. I guess the hardest thing right now for me is the quietness of the night. I know with time this will get better and soon I will be in a place where I can be at peace with everything...hopefully that will be soon!
tb
you definitely have my support...since ime trying to maintain a friendship with my XMM right now. I do have to say it's a very difficult position to be in but i would rather be friends with him than not have him in my life at all. I work with him, so i have to deal with seeing him when sometimes i just don't want to. And with how long your XMM was in your life, i can see why you don't want to lose that person...after all, he's been there with you through quite a bit of changes and having NC would be like a death. I say life is too short...if you enjoy someone's company, make the most of it, b/c there will come a time when you won't have that option anymore. Of course, that way of thinking probably got me in this situation in the first place...but, things do happen for a reason. Good luck in maintaining your friendship and i can understand to an extent of what you're going thru. Take care.....
I don't know why someone who has been an integral part of your life has to disappear completely (as you say like death). If you are mature and both understand that it is just a friendship, then it is possible. Of course, there will always be the temptation there...
My MM and I started out as friends, we're still friends and I hope we remain friends when the physical stuff ends.
Good luck to you.
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