can folks support me in being his friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
can folks support me in being his friend
12
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 11:20am
I know that I am clearly in the minority here, but I do think there are certain situations in which you can choose to be friends after it is over...and I hope that that is OK to post here. I do not really think I want to take a month to figure that out-- I already know I value his friendship and have for over 20 years...so why not try to adjust now. I can't make him love me- all I can do is be me and support that decision and be friends.

It is not easy to adjust to being friends, yet it is clearly much easier if the relationship was a LD one. Then you do not have to deal with the running into each other and really knowing the day to day things. We live 1000 miles apart. As I have said- to me NC is more like dealing with a death of a friend and I am not sure it has to be that way. I do not see it as an addiction per say. I do not need to have him in my life, but I want him in my life-- very different to me.

I also never had any of the negatives in the past 4 years-- we were friends, lovers and there for each other in so many ways and although he is not perfect he is a good person who is trying to figure out how to be happy and I should support that. He never treated me poorly; and as I think about the negatives-- the only really bad thing he did was to quit on us. I do not know why that happened and I am not sure he will ever really be able to explain it-- but it definitely is over. So I can't rant and rave about how terrible things were-- all I can do is accept it and move on form there.

For me- I need the support to be able to adjust to the new friendship - to enjoy it for what it is and not to think it can be anything more. Yes there are moments that I need to vent...and to be honest that is when I come here. There are times when it hurts, but I am trying to keep moving on and being the person I want to be if that makes sense. I think I tend to post here when I am hurting and need someone to "talk to" if that makes any sense. So I guess I am asking if you can support me in being his friend-- nothing more?

tb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 8:45am
tb -- you will ALWAYS find support here. While if someone asks for advice on the friendship thing, I'm sure to advise against it, that's just me; it doesn't mean that I don't support anyone who wants to try it, it doesn't mean I'm rooting against you. If it works well for you, I am happy for you! If it doesn't, I would never ever say "told you so." We all have to handle this in our own way, and the ultimate goal for each of us is PEACE. Whatever your path to peace, you will be supported here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:37am
Thank you all so much. I really do appreciate it. I knwo this adjustment will not be easy and I am not quite sure how it will be done-- but I do think it is worth trying. Talking yesterday for just 5 minutes felt comfortable and I know he would like to be friends. But I also realize that friendship is a two-way street...just being there if I need him is not a friend- that just is a dependent relationship which I clearly do not want or need. So as we move forward I am sure there will be some rough spots but hopefully we will find a way.

I also realize I have to take care of me and figure out what is going to make me happy. Clearly I am not there yet. I am glad that there are folks here that are going through similar things. It clearly helps to know that. What were the toughest points in adjusting your relationships?

tb

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