Can I believe what he's telling me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Can I believe what he's telling me
10
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 8:02pm

I started seeing a married man a year ago. I was under the impression he would file for or be divorced in the near future.

He said the following about his marriage:
1. He's not happy and the relationship is over.
2. They haven't had sex in a year and a half.
3. He's only with her because of finances, he can't afford to move out, etc.
4. He wants me and sees me in his future, but wants me to be understanding and patient until he gets divorced. He can't provide a timeline. He told me to stay busy, like go to school while waiting for him to become available.
5. Our affair must be kept quiet.

It is true he and his wife are have serious problems. He's in a position that requires the wife to be by his side at public functions and events. She never attends. She did not attend his Birthday Bash that was attended 150 people. She wasn't sick or out of town.

I don't understand why they live together. i feel so guilty, that it's impacting our relationship.

Should I break-up with him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:23pm

Hmm. Can I ask how old you are? You seem quite naive (spl). Here's the thing: first of all, why is he living with her? Simple, she is his wife. Does their marriage suck? Probably. I am sure if she is not attending his birthday dinner, there is a reason for her not attending. But you know what? Who really cares about why this man's marriage is good or bad and the reasons why. Does it REALLY matter is his reasons are legitimate or not? You've been waiting a year now. Imagine yourself a year from now, still waiting. Do you like the thought? Okay, so I know what you are going to say. "He is my soulmate. I have never met a man like him. Oh, the connection we share. He really has it tough with his wife. "

There comes a point in each of our lives when we just have to do what is best for each of us regardless of others needs. There comes a time when we just have to put ourselves first. Lets say that you really can believe everything he tells you (which BTW, are classic lines married guys use) but lets just say it is true. The question is - DOES IT MATTER? Its a holiday weekend heavenly. Where is this guy? Home with the wife? Where are you? Don't you want and DESERVE a little happiness of your own? Anyone that tells you to sit and wait for them is only looking for THEIR own left interests, not yours. A real man would say, " I have alot of issues, I am guilt ridden and confused. Go on with your life and maybe we will get together down the road". Since this guy wont say that - you have to. Don't "break up with him". Tell him you are MOVING ON to find single guys and when he is single to give you a call. Really, the guy is just wasting your time.

Let me tell you about someone. When I was 24, my friend who was 24 as well met a guy at her job who was married. She started an affair with him. She tried over and over to break away from him but couldnt because she "loved" him. She waited thru the birth of his 2nd child. I believe he did finally leave but he never got divorced because alimony and child support are big burdens. Now she is 33 and alone. Thats right. Hey, so I am but I have been married, and traveled and moved to a different city and dated all kinds of guys - great guys, loser guys, mentally challenged guys (lol). My (ex) friend? Yea, she just dated this married guy for 9 years and today she still shares an office with him. Thats right, she changed jobs and he followed her. Because thats what they losers do. As long as you let them, they will suck your whole life up. Because you make their own existence so much better. So she will never get out. No marriage, no family, no home. Nothing but a married boyfriend and a sorry, pathetic existence.

Do you want that to be you?

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:16pm

Please get out of this affair. You can't have a full life with a MM in it. He will never leave his wife/family for you. No matter how much he tells you remember TALK IS CHEAP. He wants to have you at his convenience for sex and pleasure. Surely you think more of yourself than being someone's bed buddy.

Please get on with your life and don't subject your self for what could be the wildest ride of your life. Emotionally an affair will tear you apart and in the end you will lose anyway. Believe me please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:32pm

Heavenly

Should you believe him NO you should not, he is lieing and cheating on the woman that he is married to...don't expect him to treat you any better, the reality is most of these guys TALK the talk but never will walk the walk of leaving there marriage.

One of the things you do as a married person that is cheating is to Exaggerate your spouses short comeings and the issues in your marriage to help justify to yourself and the AP your actions (LIEING CHEATING SNEAKING AROUND DIVERTING FAMILY RESOURSES in to the affair ETC...)

There is nothing pretty or romantic about it....affair relationships border on the Parasitical in nature...you have something I want or need and I am going to suck it out of you by any means I have to.

YES GET OUT, don't waste another day on this politician.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 7:37am

Heavenly,

Yes, get out while you can.....run if possible. Words are just words and nothing more. It is the actions that count and as I'm sure others will tell you MM's lie and lie to get what they want.

Don't waste one more minute on this loser.

Gypsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 10:00am
Heavenly,
I am married and having an affair with a MM for 9 months. From the beginning he has told me how horrible his wife is, how horrible his marriage is. I don't now and have never wanted him to leave his marriage. I would, in fact, encourage him to try certain things to make things better. He would say...it does not matter, I am basically just there because I don't want a broken family.
He constantly told me he gave her this or that ultimatum or deadline to change. She never did and he always stayed. And he said all of this to someone who did not want him out of his marriage. I never understood that.
I'm not sure why he made a point to tell me all his crap, because I would have been with him anyway. Maybe it was to make him feel better. Like, well...I'm with her right now because wifey was such a b**** last night.
I see him and his wife together all the time. She looks so unhappy and they seem so unhappy, but he placates her, acts like a little whipped puppy around her. I find it so confusing and I don't care. I can't imagine how confusing it would be if I was single and wanted him to leave his marriage.
This guy has had an affair with a single woman and she left him because she got tired of waiting for him. I think that was in 2001. He is still married! So...she made a smart move dontcha think?!
MM is not lying...things are bad with his marriage. BUT, he will NEVER leave her! I know this for sure. Things seem worse then ever right now and they just bought a new business together.
My friend has a friend who was with a MM for over 15 years. He had her set up in an apartment, paid for her plastic surgery, etc. When she entered treatment for alcoholism, he broke up with her and eventually started seeing someone younger. She ended up committing suicide at the age of 46.
Life is hard enough as it is. Find someone single you can enjoy life with. Don't stand on the shore and watch the river go by...sail your vessel!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 8:04pm

Sparky,

You said "I am married and having an affair with a MM for 9 months. From the beginning he has told me how horrible his wife is, how horrible his marriage is. I don't now and have never wanted him to leave his marriage."

You sound so together in your message. I just have one question. Why are you staying with this loser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 12:16pm

Heavenly,

I can only echo what everyone has been telling you. I wish I had known about this website three years ago when my A began. Those statements sound all too familiar.

After several attempts to end it over the years - he always said he never would - I eventually decided enough was enough about 6 weeks ago. We work together so it has had to be LC - NC I'm sure would be easier as I keep glimpsing him and have had several work related emails. I felt I was doing well then I heard that he is going to the Caribbean with his W for his 25th anniversay very soon. Even though I shouldn't have let it this news has set me back a bit and I have had a bad fews days reliving all the things he has said to me over the years and wondering how much of it he really meant.

When I need reminded as to why I ended it I return to these postings.

Wishing you well

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 12:53pm
Hi Classzlady!
That is a very good question indeed!
I'm not staying with him. I never was with him. It was basically a "sex only" type of affair. However, it is still hard to let go. I miss the excitement, the secret meetings, the sex. We used to im daily and meet a couple times per week. It's hard to not have that in my life now. I am so bored. I'm not sure if I miss him or just having something on the side. He was very cold about this whole thing and tried SO HARD to not let one emotion show. It kept my feelings in check. I do remember a few times he did let go a bit and we had so much fun. I can see how an affair full of that would be so much harder to get over.
I have not met up with him for 3 weeks. Very little contact at all, however I do see him and his wife at work maybe once per week.
We have not really officially ended anything. The summer is very busy for both of us and our meetings have backed off to only about once per month. I'm thinking maybe this would be a good time to just let it go. It had come down to me pursuing him more and that is not as much fun for me.
I really just wanted to comment on the "married" thing. I have been thinking for some time how hard this would be on me if I was single and believing he would ever leave his wife.
Sparky
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 2:10pm

Spark,

This is such a horrific thing that I read it several days ago and basically tried to forget wanting to know more about this story. However, it's still lingering in my mind.

I'm not a single OW (which I think makes her situation much worse) but I was in an A for 9 years. It does seem that some people can just never move on like they obviously need to.

Is there any more to this story? Did the suicide occur right after he picked up with the younger woman? Was her self esteem just so low that she couldn't pull it together again? Was she a mess before she met her MM?

I'm actually trying to use this as more fuel for myself to see how truly destructive A's are (I'm out of mine but I still have an emotional toe in it that needs yanking).

Thanks, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 11:41am
DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! I have been in my nightmare for 5 years! 5 years of promises! 5 years of lonely nights, lonely holidays. 5 years of guilt and pain! But worse part of it 5 years of LIES!! I am on day 2 of NC. In 5 years this is the longest of NC I HAVE EVER HAD! I have learned the hard way if they are going to leave they will within the first year! After that, they know they have you right where they want you! They know they can tell you anything and you will be there "waiting". There are times where he believes I am really tired and ready to call it quits, so he buys me something of he will stay at my house till 2am instead of leaving at 11:00pm. WOW I am so lucky. In 5 years he has slept at my house all night ONE TIME, and that one time he was so drunk there was no way he was going home. He puked all over my dresser, my VCR my cable box, ruined all of it, my answering machine I WISH HE WAS HOME WITH HIS WIFE THAT NIGHT! My point is, they all use the same excuses! No sex, they are not happy, we are the frosting on the cake they get from thier wives! My breaking point was this past weekend when we went to dinner and first he ignored me half the night because I was 10 minutes late. I have literally waited hours for him, then he forgives me for that and we are having a great time and he flips out because my babysittter called 4 times and I had the nerve to call her back! He called me a protitute. I got up and walked out of the resturant and have not called him since. He has not called me either so maybe we are both dobe this time, it makes it easier when he is not calling me. But point is; if he was goign to leave he would have left! DO not let 5 years pass you by and HATE your self for loosing all this time you cant get back!! You lose so much in these affairs already!