Can I stop him from straying ... again ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Can I stop him from straying ... again ?
12
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 6:52am
Hi Everyone ...

I initiated NC 4-5 weeks ago, and have been doing great. xMM has tried everything (sms, email, phone, even coming to my office) and is still persistent, but I'm keeping my guard and will not allow him to get back into my life. However, last week, xMM's wife found out about us and phoned me. I felt sorry for her, and all she wanted from me was to confirm the A, as she had suspected him for some time. What hurts me the most, is that when xMM was confronted by W, he immediately phoned me and screamed at me for being the cause of her finding out - told me that he would do everything to protect his family - that he will never give his kids up. I asked him whether he thought about his family or his kids at the time when he traced/tracked me down with full intentions of having a relationship with me? Did he not think about his family when he told me that he's leaving W, and that within six month's we would be together? Not surprisingly, he managed to convince W that nothing happened, and that he will stay faithful (blah...blah..blah). He begged her and I not to contact each other - why, because he is scared that I will confirm and blow his bubble. She believed everything he told her, and is only too happy that they are still together as a family. Good for her!

So, now that the waters are calm at the home front of xMM, he has been sending sms' saying how much it hurts missing me, and that he wish that he could be with me (yeah right). It actually urgh's me to think the odesity he has to actually think that I will succumb to his tricks. His messages only confirms more and more that I do not want him in my life and that I have moved on - that I see him in a totally different light now.

My concern however is, that he will find another woman and do the same to her; because I have been OW # 3. When will he stop hurting women, including his W? How is it possible for his W to be so accepting of his "habits". Why is it that she can be so easily convinced? He told me that his children are going through therapy to help them through this difficult time. Can the W not see what his actions are doing to their kids? Doesn't she realise that her "acceptance" of his actions time and time again, only gives him permission to do it again and again? Because he knows that dear W will never leave him - is it because she is too dependent on him? Why does some women allow men to treat them like they are "nothing".

I know for a fact that if she listens to my story, then she would leave him immediately. I am considering giving her all the details in black&white about our A - hard evidence. Will that convince her? I am not concerned about him or what he will think of me. My concern right now is for his W and kids, as well as the "potential OW" in the not so distant future. Perhaps, this will stop him from straying once and for all.

What do you think I should do? Your comments is appreciated.

Fondest to you all :-)

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Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 9:21am
First of all, I would NOT recommend that you say anything further to his W. It is her responsibility to insist they get the help they need as a family and you need to take yourself out of the equasion. It is not your job to fix what ails his marriage, period. And even if you were to contact her and offer to give her all this information, chances are (because she is obviously in denial) you won't get to first base. If he isn't man enough to come clean with his W, then he will cheat again. The fact that he is making further contact with you proves it.

I believe your first step should be to contact the MM and tell him to leave you alone. You have no idea how his W will react to further contact from him to you if it is discovered. She is obviously in denial now so what makes you think she is going to believe anything you have to say or show her? If he cheats with some OW other than you, that is their problem, not yours. And if you TRULY want to put this behind you, then you need to inform the MM that if he doesn't leave you alone, you WILL go to his W. I would think that would get it stopped. If not, then I would pursue another avenue other than his W to stop it.

When you tell someone no contact, that is what it means. So if he isn't respecting your wishes, your next step should be to contact your local police and find out what you can do to stop the MM. But whatever you do, get yourself out of their marriage. You don't belong there in any way, shape or form. And by even toying with the idea of going to her, you could be putting yourself in harms way.

JMHO

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 11:09am
Hi Shanpet! If you are thinking of contacting his wife to give her ALL the facts..I would strongly advise that you don't. From my own experience, I can tell you that no matter what you tell her, if she WANTS to believe him..she will..no matter what. My ex MM SO called me after throwing him out..she wanted to know if our stories matched. I told her everything she wanted to know..some of it was not what he had told her. He told her that if I said anything different I was a conniving b*tch. Men will say & do absolutely anything to cover their butt..so I would leave it alone. She is willing to go to counselling with him, even though he no longer sleeps in their home, but I can bet money that not too long from now, they will be together again under the same roof.

His wife is not your problem..you have to worry about yourself, not about their relationship. Take care of yourself.

JMO,

Cin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 11:52am
Hi, Shanpet.

This is just my opinion. Although you may think you are going into this with only the purest intentions, remember that there is still that glimmer in your heart that maybe he will leave her (or she will leave him), and then you two can be together for real. If you ask me, most W's know the truth, and either they accept it and are moving on, or they are plunged neck deep in denial. Maybe they don't want to face the truth. And, although you are trying to help her out, most likely, she will lash out at you rather than her H because you are easier to hate. She's got her head in a protective bubble where the "A" never happened, her spouse never lied, and all is right in the world. I don't think anyone can be married to someone and not know they are lying through their teeth. She knows it happened, she knows he strayed, and she probably even knows he'll do it again. Don't let yourself get caught up in this mess. Sooner or later, her bubble will pop. Don't let yourself become the target of her tirade when it does. In this situation, they are more than happy to mutilate the messenger!

As for HIM, sweetie, he sounds so familiar! My guy was the same way; promising the world and delivering NOTHING. And when push comes to shove, suddenly his FAMILY take your place on the dream pedastal he had the balls to put you on top of. Don't feel too bad. We all wanted to believe these things. In an ideal world love conquers all, right? If they loved us enough, they would let go of the spouse that "just doesn't understand" or "is more like a roomate rather than a W" or "never loved the way he loves you". Does any of this sound familiar? He's just another typical guy who wants to have their cake and eat it too. Just remember that if someone can't give you 100%, then he's not worth having at all.

Hope this helps. Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 5:03pm
Well, first let me say I am the wife of a man who was unfaithful for many years. When his lover first let the cat out of the bag to me, sure, I was angry with her, believed his lies about her being nothing but a tramp who pursued him relentlessly, etc. etc. But now, two years later, there are no more illusions. They had an emotional and physical relationship, she was no more a tramp than I am. I no longer hate her at all, in fact, I am deeply grateful to her. She did me a big favor. After being found out, my H confessed to not only their affair but came clean with other previous affairs he had as well. The exposure of his affair was a major wake up call for him as it was only when he was faced with the real possibility of losing his family that he realized how important it all was to him. It hasn't been easy staying with him after his confession but I feel I owe it to our children to try, after all I have spent half my life with this man who I thought I knew so what's the harm in trying to fix our broken relationship. He says even if our marriage fails, he is happier and more at peace with himself than he has ever been because he is changing his life and becoming a better man for himself, not just for me. If his lover had not told me about their affair, I would never have learned my husband was a habitual cheater, he would never have had to face his problems, and he would never have started the therapy he needed so badly. No, I don't hate her at all. Why should I? She was lied to, used and abandoned, just like I was, and just like the other women he fooled around with were. Why should MM dance merrily off to their next affair, never having to be held accountable for the lies and painful lifelong emotional destruction they cause with their irresponsible behavior? OWs think they are helping things by not getting involved in MM's marital issues, but the fact is once you sleep with a MM you are involved already, you are allowing him to continue his bad behavior without consequence. If you decide to tell his wife MM is still pursuing you, have some solid proof, like a printed email (that's what I got) as no woman likes to believe the man she loves, her life partner, her confidant, her lover, the man she shares her life, her secrets, and her bed with is a deceitful liar and a cheat. No woman LIKES to know this. But she DESERVES to know this. JMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:27am
Thank you to everyone for your response and opinion, especially the response from WHIRLEYGURL. I appreciated your reply so much and felt as if I am talking to xMM's W. Firstly, let me congratulate you on staying in your marriage and giving him a chance to change. I believe that if my xMM can confess to his W, then he is starting to acknowledge and face his problem - that's beginning of self-therapy.

I have tried everything to stop him from contacting me, but for the most 3 days, be sure that he will try another tactic. I have also threatened him on numerous occassions to tell his W if he doesn't stop, but even that didn't help. He went as far as faking a heart attack at my house on night, and also lied about his health conditions - claiming that he might have prostate cancer and that he might be dying. All these lies and manipulation for me to feel symphathetic towards him and stay in the A, but I saw through all his lies and found out from his doctor friend that none of this is true.

So, although I have initiated NC (5weeks now), I am in my own way dealing and healing, but my xMM just doesn't allow me or want me to heal and forget. That's why I am considering sending all of his 1000 printed emails and sms' to his W. That will be the only way to stop him from pursuing me, and he will be forced to let go of me (phsycologically and emotionally). Perhaps, like in Whirleygurl's case, he might also confess to all his other affairs, and it might not mean that they have to break up. It could be the start of a new beginning for them - once he's acknowledge and accepted his problem.

The fact that I want to expose his lies to his W, is not because I am hoping that she will leave him, but hopefully to help him, and possibly prevent him from hurting another OW.

My experience with xMM has taught me valuable lessons in life, which I am grateful for, and am certain that xMM is not the man that I see as my soulmate or life partner, as I can never trust a man that has strayed.

Whirleygurl, you have convinced me - thank you!

Thank you all once again for your comments.

Avatar for ibasher
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:06am
Well done indeed!

Not only is it right that the "xMM" be forced to confrount his own shortcomings and mend his ways, but you have taken an important step for yourself. In taking this step you have shown maturity and a sense of responsibility for your own actions which, sad to say, does not seem to be a very common attribute.

A betrayed spouse should ALWAYS know that they are being betrayed, simply because they have the right to and in my book, deliberately choosing not to do the right thing when it is well within our power counts as a sin.

I too agree with whirleygurl. If the adulterous partner owns up, then it is all FAR better than if they are shown up.

You are doing the right thing in enlightening the poor wife and giving her the fair warning she deserves. No matter what - remember that God approves the right thing.

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 1:50pm
I hope that you will read this because there is one major thing that you need to consider.....

The major differences of the opinions you've received from the betrayed spouses as opposed to the former OW (like you) that have been there and done that!

Telling his W the facts... God, I hope you have not done it! Regardless of what the betrayed spouses have posted to you... believe me, telling her the facts WILL turn out to be the worst decision you'll ever make! I have walked in your shoes and several years ago, I too had your same line of thinking... I even posted questions on the betrayed spouse board. They ALL told me the wife had a RIGHT to know... they all made me feel like a HERO that was going to rescue her from a miserable marriage and a H she didn't deserve to live life with... I did what they told me... I sent her more then a 1,000 pieces of our correspondence...

They went through some rough times but eventually, MM WON! She bought every ounce of BS that he fed her... in the final analysis, she even bought his lies that it wasn't him pursuing me but me him!

Please, PLEASE consider the source because REGARDLESS of how heart warming the posts from betrayed spouses are... their only concern is for the betrayed spouse and they all rejoice the day that yet another OW is exposed! Even going as far as telling you that GOD would want you to do this as it's the RIGHT thing to do... THINK ABOUT IT!!! Does God want us to purposely HURT another human being? NO!!! Not the God I know....

By ending the affair and removing yourself from MM's life, you have already done the RIGHT thing... As for ending all contact with MM... IF you truly want to do that... block the guy from emailing and calling you! Get caller ID and don't answer his calls.

Now, let it all go and please STOP trying to play God by hoping, plotting and trying to save MM from himself and from committing adultery in the future. You know, it's a common fact that NOBODY can get an alcoholic to stop drinking until THEY *WANT* to quit! MM *is* that alcoholic when it comes to adultery... there is NOTHING in this world that YOU or even his wife can do to make him stop cheating... UNTIL HE's READY and WILLING TO STOP!

Work ONLY on changing YOURSELF because that's the only person you CAN change!

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 4:59pm
Hi. I appreciate your point of view in this situation. I'm on one side of the fence, and you're on the other. Congrats to you for having a spouse that had the guts to fess up to his indiscretions and the courage to try and fix what is really important to him.

I'm not trying to generalize all A's. I think we are all in our own unique situations. I'm coming from a place where I broke the A off, tried helping his family out by putting everything out in the open, and even went as far as to tell his wife why he was looking elsewhere. At first, she sounded like you do. She was thankful for being informed about it and wanted to move past everything to fix their marriage. I made it clear to her that he made his choice, and I was already out of the picture.

When it was clear that he still wasn't happy, and he said he wanted out, she lashed out at me. At this point, I was no where near these people anymore. I took the pieces of my own broken heart and was trying my best to move on, thinking that I made up for some of my moral mistakes by trying to right a wrong. All this time, he was still trying to reconsile with me, asking me to just wait a little longer, just give him a little more time, have a little more patience....

Anyway, I ended up having his psycho wife harrass me with threats, phone calls, letters, packages, and finally at my job. It took a cop to knock on her door to finally get her to leave me alone. And still, she finds the time to phone me and tell me how much in love he is with her now, and I am nothing but a forgotten memory. Little does she know, her beloved is still trying to send letters, cards, and gifts.

Am I saying every single cheating man out there is a dog? Of course not. Everyone is different in their own unique situations. I'm just saying that when I took the time to "set her straight", it all came back and bit me in the ass. I chalk it all up to my own bad karma for doing what I did with him, and in turn, ending my own marriage.

I don't think anyone is trying to generalize when they post their opinions. Please don't take anything I write personally. I think that people take from their own experiences and try to offer their own insight from the shoes they've walked in. Not all BS's are as understanding or as rational as you are. His W turned into a stalker overnight, and my husband turned into a wife beater. It's dangerous. If my xMM ever went up to my (now)x-H, I can only imagine what my H would have done to him. Just to give you an idea, my husband would have given me the last bite on his plate if I was still hungry. When he found out about the affair and that I wanted a divorce, he sent me to the hospital. In 8 years, the man had never laid a hand on me. This was a man that never would have raised his voice to me if he knew it would upset me.

Betrayal is a powerful thing, and we all can't assume that we know how the other person is going to react when confronted with the truth, or how they would take it coming from one of the parties involved.

To some it all up in a nutshell, my advice was only to warn her to be careful. And now that I've read that she is going to go ahead and talk to the W anyway, I send my best wishes, and I hope everything turns our alright.

Avatar for ibasher
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 7:02pm
I will try to clarify my stance. The ACT of adultery is the harm done to another human being, NOT the KNOWLEDGE of adultery. The harm is already done once the adulterous spouse has been persuaded to cheat.

Why I said God would want the betrayed spouse to know: It is most unjust for them to be kept in the dark while this is going on. Injustice is EVIL. The God I know is GOOD. To my mind, giving the Betrayed Spouse a fair warning is saving them from the adulterer's unjust actions.

It is just the same as saving them from a marriage where they are beaten up all the time.

I am NOT a betrayed spouse. I am a mere child who has never had the misfortune to experience adultery. I do not understand why stre2001 sees the betrayed spouses as categorically conniving and even wicked (I REALLY don't understand that.) I DO see it as MY duty to help another in adversity. "Do unto others as you would be done by them," is a great piece of advice from the scriptures. I always try to follow it, hence, will never commit adultery. Would you prefer to be kept in the dark if you were a betrayed spouse? I think not. Remember, the TRUE harm is the crime itself, not the knowledge of it. Whether or not they undestand fully, the betrayed spouse has been grievously harmed. They will have suffered the passion and vitality being stolen from their marriage and feel the pain of it worse if they have no idea what is going on.

I am not a betrayed spouse, so my perspective is NOT biased in any way in their favour. I am merely expounding right as I understand it. I know my perspective may not be identical to that of everyone else in the world, as I do NOT have a natural aversion to the truth and if I had committed adultery, conscience would literally kill me within weeks. Having said that, I am not a betrayed spouse, but I always like to try to do the right thing. If I did not live by my humble ethics, I would not look like a worthwhile human being in my own eyes.

Bottom line: I love the scriptures as they have a lot of good morals in them. The scriptures always say to me that the truth is preferable to lies. Keeping the matter dark is not reducing the harm caused in any way and can only be seen as making a lie.

I hope I have finally clarified all my previous statements. Thankyou.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 7:44pm
IBasher,

I have seen your posts on this board, and I have tried to bite my tongue and not say anything, but I can't stay quiet any longer. You seem to think you are somehow being helpful and spreading God's word, because you seem to think you know God's will. You can quote scripture, and I'm glad your parents tried to raise a moral person. I was raised as a moral person and I can quote from the bible too. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you I was a religious person and even a leader in my religious community, but I am.

When I was 18 I KNEW I would never ever commit adultery. For that matter, I knew I would never commit adultery, no matter what, for the first 17 years I spent with my husband. But it happened. When I was 18 I knew all about the world being black and white, that there was such a clear difference between good and bad, right and wrong. There were no gray areas, and I was sure I would always make the right, good, just choices. I knew all about the TRUTH. I was sure I knew a lot when I was 18. I wish I knew half as much now as I thought I knew then.

You are TELLING, not suggesting, but TELLING adults what they SHOULD do. And you are saying that you speak for God, that you know God's will. What you do NOT seem to realize is the effect your words may have on others, and the widespread effects on the lives of the people involved if your advice is followed. Why are you on this board? Really - I am very curious as to how you, who have no personal experience in any way with adultery or even marriage or even longterm adult relationships, ended up on this board telling adults in complex confusing painful situations what they SHOULD do?

You are so young, and so full of good intentions. Be careful with your words and your certainty about life and God's will. I hope your beliefs are never challenged, and that you never have to learn through PAIN what it is like to question everything you thought you knew. I hope you have the kind of life you plan to have... not everyone's life follows so smooth a path. The God I believe in is a forgiving God, a welcoming God. I hope I am right, for the sake of everyone reading this post.

Peace,

Glinda

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