Can Men & Women Be Friends
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| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:20am |
My XMM and I started out as co-workers. We were just co-workers though. I knew his family, his parents, his hobbies, everything. During the nine years I had known him, I had gotten to know a lot about him, some information I'm sure he didn't share with other people. Seven years into our friendship it turned into something more. That's when we crossed the lines and became more than friends.
One thing happened though when we became lovers. We stopped being friends. We were so busy being paranoid, that we stopped being friends. We didn't have long talks anymore because we were so worried someone would think something was going on. I stopped bringing lunch to the office for us. We stopped discussing things that were bothering us. We only thought about sex. Looking back I realize how much I missed the friendship part of our relationship.
That made me start wondering about my other relationships with men. There were two other men that I had started to form a friendship with. In both cases I found them wanting more than I did out of the friendship.
So, can men and women be friends without the sex thing getting in the way? Or, are we only supposed to be close friends with our H?

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ITA. I knew/worked with XMM 10 years before we became "more than just friends". It went on for several years this way. Three months ago I ended it. We still work together and the pre-sex days have returned, BUT I can no longer look/react to him in the same way. HE still wants to chit-chat and be buddies....and I find myself holding my breath until he leaves the room. ONLY THEN can I exhale the anomosity I still feel under my breath.
BTW, I have followed your posts in "All SIDES" and pat you on the back for hanging in there. The posters there can be tough, BUT the insights learned are priceless to one's growth and awareness.
Begin
Thanks for your comment at the end of your reply Begin......It is tough to look in the mirror sometimes and tougher yet to expose yourself knowing that you will be attacked (so to speak), I
Actually, its important to have lots of girlfriends (same-sex friends).
I suddenly thought "wow! dating a friend's ex-boyfriend is forbidden? I never knew that." Apparently, there is a whole set of boundaries, a whole set of rules that we're all supposed to know and we're all supposed to follow. And maybe--probably--THAT's why I can never keep a girlfriend for long. I completely ignore boundaries. But what are these rules? Why didn't I learn them?
The "all's fair in love & war" approach is CLEARLY a violation. My question is whether this is a common theme for us EMA survivors. We all broke at least one of the rules, right? Does that mean we are all women without copies of the girlfriends' handbook? Are we all women who had trouble keeping girlfriends for very long when we were younger? Are we all women who found it easier to make friend with boys?
And now that we're suffering, how to we atone? How do we gain entrance to the club and get our copy of the handbook? How do we GET that group of girlfriends we needed all along? That group who will keep us out of trouble?
Grace
I've worked with mostly men in the workforce also. The same is true for them. We say what is on our mind and then go on with things. Unfortunately my MM started with co-worker. He is someone I felt very comfortable with. It is the first time a friendship led to something more. We were both having difficulties in our marriage. Now I don't know if we can go back to being "just friends." We've talked about it, and he wants to, but I'm not so sure.
I once dated an girlfriend's ex-boyfriend back in college, but it was only temporary. She wasn't a best friend, merely more like an aquaintenance. It didn't last, but it had little to do with her. On another occasion I was friends with a guy in school and he started to date someone on my dorm floor. When their relationship ended, the girl expected me to take her side. That didn't happen and it upset her. I continued to be friends with this guy and hang out with him, purely platonic.
I don't think there should be any rules. I was friends with my college male friend first so why should I stop being friends simply because things didn't work out with the girl from my floor. I think men and women should be able to be friends. Unfortunately my MM and stepped over the line when were weak. I hope some day him and I will be able to be friends again, we are just going to have to set some boundaries.
The 'sex' thing is in most men's minds constantly. I've read of disfunctional relationships here that are the exception, but most men (me included) would jump at the chance for sex... with a friend... if we thought there'd be no consequence. Problem is, most of us (men AND women) often forget to anticipate the unanticipated consequences of buddy-sex.
Men & women friends?
not really a good idea. Keeping it casual and distant can be fine; close GOOD friends is not-so-fine. Usually.
There. Does that clear it up? (I didn't think so!)
Complicated question w/ no good answers. I nearly messed my life up by falling hard for 'a friend'. Speaking only for me... I won't likely do that again!
:o)
~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
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