Can Men & Women Be Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Can Men & Women Be Friends
19
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:20am
I think I've watched "When Harry Met Sally" one too many times, but I'm starting to wonder if men and women can be close friends without the whole sex issue getting in the way. I'm not talking about the casual co-worker friend, or the husband of your best girlfriend, or anything like that. I'm talking about the man that becomes a close personal friend. I'm talking about someone that you get to know closely.

My XMM and I started out as co-workers. We were just co-workers though. I knew his family, his parents, his hobbies, everything. During the nine years I had known him, I had gotten to know a lot about him, some information I'm sure he didn't share with other people. Seven years into our friendship it turned into something more. That's when we crossed the lines and became more than friends.

One thing happened though when we became lovers. We stopped being friends. We were so busy being paranoid, that we stopped being friends. We didn't have long talks anymore because we were so worried someone would think something was going on. I stopped bringing lunch to the office for us. We stopped discussing things that were bothering us. We only thought about sex. Looking back I realize how much I missed the friendship part of our relationship.

That made me start wondering about my other relationships with men. There were two other men that I had started to form a friendship with. In both cases I found them wanting more than I did out of the friendship.

So, can men and women be friends without the sex thing getting in the way? Or, are we only supposed to be close friends with our H?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 12:15pm
Hi Fulovlove,

<<>>

ITA. I knew/worked with XMM 10 years before we became "more than just friends". It went on for several years this way. Three months ago I ended it. We still work together and the pre-sex days have returned, BUT I can no longer look/react to him in the same way. HE still wants to chit-chat and be buddies....and I find myself holding my breath until he leaves the room. ONLY THEN can I exhale the anomosity I still feel under my breath.

BTW, I have followed your posts in "All SIDES" and pat you on the back for hanging in there. The posters there can be tough, BUT the insights learned are priceless to one's growth and awareness.

Begin

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:30pm

Thanks for your comment at the end of your reply Begin......It is tough to look in the mirror sometimes and tougher yet to expose yourself knowing that you will be attacked (so to speak), I

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:08pm
No. Tried it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:52pm
>Or, are we only supposed to be close friends with our H?

Actually, its important to have lots of girlfriends (same-sex friends).






iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:57am
Query for everyone on this topic: did we all grow up having greater ease making friends with boys than with girls? I'm one of the women who could never keep girlfriends for very long. A friend of mine was telling a story once about a co-worker of hers, and she made the statement, "She evidently didn't get her copy of the 'girlfriends' handbook,'" meaning that the co-worker had made some huge violation punishable in the World of Women because it was very bad form, very do-NOT-do-this. And the violation in question was dating the ex-boyfriend of one of her friends.

I suddenly thought "wow! dating a friend's ex-boyfriend is forbidden? I never knew that." Apparently, there is a whole set of boundaries, a whole set of rules that we're all supposed to know and we're all supposed to follow. And maybe--probably--THAT's why I can never keep a girlfriend for long. I completely ignore boundaries. But what are these rules? Why didn't I learn them?

The "all's fair in love & war" approach is CLEARLY a violation. My question is whether this is a common theme for us EMA survivors. We all broke at least one of the rules, right? Does that mean we are all women without copies of the girlfriends' handbook? Are we all women who had trouble keeping girlfriends for very long when we were younger? Are we all women who found it easier to make friend with boys?

And now that we're suffering, how to we atone? How do we gain entrance to the club and get our copy of the handbook? How do we GET that group of girlfriends we needed all along? That group who will keep us out of trouble?

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 5:18pm
I definitely made friends with boys easier than I did most girls. Growing up, I was the tomboy. My dad coached little league, and my mom was Cub Scout den mother. I was surrounded by boys. On top of that all of my cousin's on my dad's side of the family were also boys. I was able to make a couple of close girlfriends, two of which I am still very close with; but most of the time I am close to my male friends. Even in college I hung out with one other girl and four boys. It was just easier. They were always straight with us. There wasn't any backstabbing at cat fighting. It was simple, no games.

I've worked with mostly men in the workforce also. The same is true for them. We say what is on our mind and then go on with things. Unfortunately my MM started with co-worker. He is someone I felt very comfortable with. It is the first time a friendship led to something more. We were both having difficulties in our marriage. Now I don't know if we can go back to being "just friends." We've talked about it, and he wants to, but I'm not so sure.

I once dated an girlfriend's ex-boyfriend back in college, but it was only temporary. She wasn't a best friend, merely more like an aquaintenance. It didn't last, but it had little to do with her. On another occasion I was friends with a guy in school and he started to date someone on my dorm floor. When their relationship ended, the girl expected me to take her side. That didn't happen and it upset her. I continued to be friends with this guy and hang out with him, purely platonic.

I don't think there should be any rules. I was friends with my college male friend first so why should I stop being friends simply because things didn't work out with the girl from my floor. I think men and women should be able to be friends. Unfortunately my MM and stepped over the line when were weak. I hope some day him and I will be able to be friends again, we are just going to have to set some boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:10pm
Women are probably a bit more capable of this than most men; however, most men are completely incapable... so is saying a woman is more capable all that great?

The 'sex' thing is in most men's minds constantly. I've read of disfunctional relationships here that are the exception, but most men (me included) would jump at the chance for sex... with a friend... if we thought there'd be no consequence. Problem is, most of us (men AND women) often forget to anticipate the unanticipated consequences of buddy-sex.

Men & women friends?

not really a good idea. Keeping it casual and distant can be fine; close GOOD friends is not-so-fine. Usually.

There. Does that clear it up? (I didn't think so!)

Complicated question w/ no good answers. I nearly messed my life up by falling hard for 'a friend'. Speaking only for me... I won't likely do that again!

:o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 8:23pm
I feel the way you do, fnm! I have always had more male friends than female. In fact, just recently, I spent a week with one of them to help him move. No sex involved. I feel for him like I do my little brother. He's a big brother type. That's it - no more.

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 4:35am
Hello not that I am a professional (not even close). I am unfortunately a professional at being in an affair. I would have to say for me and many men like me and unlike me the answer is no. I don’t think so because there is always a natural force working against the “friends” meaning that nature between the sexes encourages the attraction of each to the other (does that make sense?). Anyways, I would also say that to get really good encouragement in ending and avoiding affairs one needs to choose friend that fuel that fire to encourage us to avoid those situations that are tempting and only same sex friendships can really loan itself to that. That is just my humble opinion. I know that in most cases even in friendships I have talked to both parties and almost 100% of the couples (friendships) one or the other became sexually attracted to the other. That is the case with people I have asked this same question. Even the women that say "I have a best friend that is a guy..." They even have admitted to this attraction. Not all of them acted on it but it has always been present. None us would offer our children or close friends a hot coal to play with so then why do we play with this same piece of coal. Thanks for reading/listening. Just typing this helps me deal with my problems.

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