can u luv two

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
can u luv two
11
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 4:55pm
I began my A when my marraige was having trouble. My A taught me a lot about what was wrong in my marriage. I read books, went to counseling and worked on my relationship with my H (yes, still having an A though). My marriage got stronger and I am having more sex with my H, being more complimentary and positive to him and in return his behavior has changed for the better too. I also think things are better since having my A as I I've taken some of the demands off my H to meet all my needs since I now have someone who can give me things my H has a hard time with.

Problem is this - now that I am feeling stronger and more contented with my marriage (I am also going back for another degree and work so I am super busy) I still love my MM very, very much. Some days I want to break it off especially after reading the posts here and other times I think maybe I can go on like this for years. Can't we love two men at once? I think my MM loves two women, his wife and me. It makes me jealous but I do not want to end my marriage either so why not just settle into the craziness and learn to manage our emotions and the situations so we can enjoy it all? I know one day we can be caught or one of us could end it and there would be pain but... what are all your thoughts and experiences?

Obviously, I am more conscientious of ending it since I post here but I still wonder about this decision.

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: believe2005
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 5:37pm
Hi,

I believe that you can love two men at the same time. Every man is different and I am sure that there are qualities about each that you really love. Look at those families where one man has 10 wives. I bet he can find something about each woman to love. But, look at the other side of the equation. Each of your men get only one half of you. Ok, one is a MM so thats probably ok by him. But your DH only gets half of you. Is that fair? And even, if you are able to actually make both men happy (and it can be done, I did it) you are shortchanging yourself by not having one complete relationship. Any pieces of yourself that you give to MM, H is not getting and therefore your relationship with H is suffering. You could end up like me - I am divorced! and still with MM, who separated from his W 15 months ago and has yet to file. Its not easy having a relationship with 1/2 a person. Or maybe you can live your life with both. But I guarantee you, in the end, regardless of the outcome, you will be sorry you didn't give your all to your marriage. I totally understand you love MM, but in life we all have to choose. If you don't choose, your life becomes a little piece of hell. So, if you are not going to do it for your DH or for your MM, do it for yourself. Don't you deserve a happy, fulfilling marriage? Don't you want to be able to look back with an honest heart and say, one way or the other, I gave it my all?

JMHO,

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: believe2005
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 5:42pm
How would you lilke to share your DH with another woman? Probably not. When your DH finds out (not if, but when) what will he do? You probably will end up losing everything you hold dear to you. Is it really worth it? Only you can make that decision. I hope you choose wisely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
In reply to: believe2005
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 5:56pm
Good question, and one I'm sure many of us have posed to ourselves. I may be wrong, but I've come to the conclusion over the years that it's really not possible to "love" our OM. The false environment created by the secrecy of the affair really doesn't permit the growth of a deep, sound love relationship. It definitely permits the growth of an addiction and a distorted need for the other, but I'm just not sure it's ever really love in the way I think of it. Love, in my way of thinking, requires both partners to be positioned to support the other openly, to give freely, to be there in times of need. None of us are free in an A to fulfill that vision -- in fact, that's what can be sooo frustrating! This is my second A, and in the beginning of both of them, I believed I was "in love." But once you're far enough from the chemical addiction that is created in that type of relationship, it looks different.

When I first started this A, I changed my password on one of my email accounts to "I love ____." As I started to get a grip, I changed it to "I am not in love." It reminded me every time I logged on that, while I still maintained an addiction, it was not love. Viewing the relationship that way helped me to feel less desperate about it.

There are many books out there about what love is and isn't...the most recent I've read is Helen Fisher's "Why We Love", which was helpful to me in understanding what my A wasn't. She posits that we can only be in the chemical/romantic love with one person at a time. That was one of the things that helped me to realize that as long as that form of "love" was focused on the OM, I couldn't share it with my husband. Don't know whether that's true for you, but I found that as I've ended the A, more of those feelings are becoming available for my H.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: believe2005
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 7:25pm
Wow - that is a lot to think about so thanks for your replys. Do you have regrets that your marriage is over with your first H and are you getting ready to be with your OM in a serious way now that he is separated and may D his W? I have a great H but do sometimes think I could choose my OM over him but.... I am listening and will try to get stronger to end this. I am getting stronger from posting here - so thank you all! I have not contacted my OM for two days but we have plans to meet up for 5 days at the end of the week so I'll have to start all over again. I know I will end it. In fact, I am seeing his less then desireable side now and am "getting it" He really is disrespectful to many people (even more then I have been) and I do not think he has as big of a conscious as I would hope him to have.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
In reply to: believe2005
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 9:10pm
Sorry, I must have been very unclear.

My first A was 10 years ago, and I married the OM. And, yes, I'm very sorry that my first marriage is over, and I now believe that had I been healthy emotionally, I would not have ended the first marriage. Every day I'm sorry, and it's been a decade. So now I'm in a marriage that came out of my first A, and it's been for the most part difficult each day ... for a very long time. And it has gotten worse, so I found myself not facing reality and back in a second A. I have now left the second A and am trying to clean up my marriage ... one way or another.

My point to you was that in both instances, I don't think my As were about "love." I know it feels that way, and I felt and said those words. But they were really about filling a hole in me created by my emotional problems. And the fill was temporary.

Now I need to solve permanently, realizing that no relationship with a man is ever an answer to pain or loneliness inside of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: believe2005
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:20pm
Hi,

I think you meant to hit reply to me, not soreinside. To answer your question, I don't regret getting divorced exactly but I regret having an affair because it prevented me from seeing clearly what was going on in my marriage. It hurt my exH (I told him when I left him) and the worst thing actually? About a month before I left my ex, he began to be better emotionally. He had been in therapy for 6 months and started showing interest in me, in going out, and started basically treating me in a loving way. At the same time this happened, my BF separated from his wife and moved into an apt near us under the assumption that I would separate to be with him. I felt just terrible all of a sudden - see I justified my affair to myself on the basis that my husband was being a selfcenter shole to me. All of a sudden, he began to be better and I felt so confused and guilty. So for one horrible month, I actually snuck around WITH MY HUSBAND behind MM (BF)'s back to spend any time with my Husband. MM followed us one day and my exH saw him and I broke down and confessed everything. It was a nightmare. I felt I had to leave. exH wanted me to stay but I had so much pressure from BF and felt I owed him because I had promised him. After I moved out, BF kept close tabs on me and I barely saw my ex and felt I had no choice but to divorce him. So now I am divorced and guess what, BF is still very married. He's been separated for 15 months now. Barely a day goes by without us getting in a screaming match. He has never completely forgiven me for not moving out when he did and says thats the reason he hasn't filed yet. At this point, I am no longer sure what the true story is with him. Noone in his family knows I exist. I don't have an address or a home phone # for him because he lives close to his family. The only reason I believe he is separated is because he was living with me for a while (till I tossed his freeloading behind out) and he spends the night sometimes.

Anyway, to answer your question: I don't have much hope at this point of a future with him. He says he wants to marry me but everything is such a mess. I am no longer seeing him. He's jsut hard to not see. MM can be very upset if you take their plaything away.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: believe2005
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:09am
ivy - I can totally see that situation potentially play out in my own A. I guess I really need to toughen up and stop this before it gets too hurtful. My MM has discussed children and separating from our spouses but I think he just does not want his play thing to go away just as you mentioned. I am (believe it or not) a one man girl as this is the first time ever, ever I have been with two people at one time. I talk as if I want something more (like a permanent life together) but I am basically content at home and cannot see us doing and going through all this stuff I have been educating myself about. He seems so much less aware of what an A can do. He tells me all the time that even though it is hard to live so far away from one another that it is worth all the pain because he has such great conversations (on a daily basis) and we have great sex whenever we can see each other.

The logistics are crazy! He would have to relocate, divorce and I simultaneously would have to do the same - NOT!!! How could that ever work? He said he would move toward me and I thought that so disrespectful to his family - move them all then leave??? I could never see him being that heartless. Then we would have to get lawyers, extra cash and I would be a sinle mom with no money so.... who buys the champaign then? Because my MM is a mooch (sp?) too. Because I am the giver in our relationship and I am sure once I couldn't afford to give he would not "love" me as much. My friends who know about my MM get mad at me they say I am successful and pretty and should not be paying his way as much as I do. I agree and it makes me angry but.... I am getting stronger!

I wish I was not going away with him. We have major plans (air travel, deposits, lodging) to spend 5 days together starting this Friday. I know I have been looking forward to this as he too is so no, I will not break it off. I would also feel too bad because he is so excited and I do care for him too much to be so ruthless. I will just have to re-therapize after. I am making progress - I am feeling stronger more often and I know at some point in time that I will end this. I am going to watch for his "idiot" side this next trip and maybe it'll turn me off enough so I can feel, see, understand how my wonderful, caring H at home is so much more worth my time and energy.

Thanks soooo much - posting here has made a huge difference for me. This is day #3 of me not calling and not returning any of his calls instead I post here and WOW - it has been great. Thanks for sharing and responding to my post. I know I will end this A and I plan on never looking back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: believe2005
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:53am
Hi Believe,

This is Day 3 for me too. The last time I spoke to BF/MM, was on Friday when I told him to leave my apt. Its funny. It feels like a long time since we usually talk several times a day. I haven't heard from him but I know that is because when he is home he is protected by his family from loneliness (he lives in a neighboring state 45 minutes from me). But I know when he comes to work tomorrow he will be aware of how is wrecking everything. He works a few blocks from my apt in the city. I will have to be strong then because he can make it very hard for me to say "go away". He says how he is trying and so upset and needs me in order to go thru with the divorce. Somehow, I become the bad guy.

Are you paying for the trip you are going on? I hope you are not paying for than 1/2. When I went away with BF while we were both married, I paid for the whole thing - motel, dinners, etc. Plus - I have never told anyone this (I am so ashamed), while I was married for a bout 2 months we went to a hotel just to have s*x once a week and I paid everytime. I always felt like crap afterwards cause we'd just get dressed and go home. I put it end to that after two months. My actual A (on my side) lasted 5 months and then I separated and told my H everything. MM tend to be very cheap. Movies always glamourize the Other Woman but I was never showered in diamonds and champange. In fact, I owe several thousands in credit cards now thanks to a yr of supporting him. I paid for entertainment, bought him jewerly and gifts, exp dinners out and basic living expenses.

I'm not goin to tell you not to go on your trip but each time you see him you make it harder for yourself to leave him and you make it possible for you to get caught.

I do disagree with you though - I think if both people wanted it to work, it could. I did my part. Moved out, divorced, introduced him to my world. Its BF that didn't follow though.

JMHO,

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: believe2005
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:15pm
Hey,

I just read your post about the Chilean Bass. YOur H is correct. You shouldn't eat Chilean Bass. Its contaminated. I am a vegetarian though I eat some fish. You can impress your husband with knowledge of which fish are okay to eat and good for the environment. Go to this website and print out this chart. It will tell you which are good and which are bad fish for you to eat. As a woman, you shoudl watch your mercury intake even more closely than your husband.


http://www.environmentaldefense.org/documents/1980_pocket_seafood_selector.pdf

Ivy

PS I am getting my doctorate in nutrition so trust me. Check out the site.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
In reply to: believe2005
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:00pm
<<<>>>

That's what I'm talking about ;)

You are very wise to have uncovered this truth that so many never come to terms with. It's all about what's missing inside of us, not how "someone" else can fill it. This is why there is always so much disappointment...Another person cannot complete us. They can only compliment us. The completion part has to be an internal awareness that only *WE* can process, and in our own time frame. It is different for everyone.


CMG


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