can u luv two

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
can u luv two
11
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 4:55pm
I began my A when my marraige was having trouble. My A taught me a lot about what was wrong in my marriage. I read books, went to counseling and worked on my relationship with my H (yes, still having an A though). My marriage got stronger and I am having more sex with my H, being more complimentary and positive to him and in return his behavior has changed for the better too. I also think things are better since having my A as I I've taken some of the demands off my H to meet all my needs since I now have someone who can give me things my H has a hard time with.

Problem is this - now that I am feeling stronger and more contented with my marriage (I am also going back for another degree and work so I am super busy) I still love my MM very, very much. Some days I want to break it off especially after reading the posts here and other times I think maybe I can go on like this for years. Can't we love two men at once? I think my MM loves two women, his wife and me. It makes me jealous but I do not want to end my marriage either so why not just settle into the craziness and learn to manage our emotions and the situations so we can enjoy it all? I know one day we can be caught or one of us could end it and there would be pain but... what are all your thoughts and experiences?

Obviously, I am more conscientious of ending it since I post here but I still wonder about this decision.

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: believe2005
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:50pm
Dear Believe: I understand exactly how you're feeling. I had a very similar situation. Became involved in an A while I was separated from my H, really believing that a Divorce was imminent. During our separation, my H and I both got alot of individual counseling and help with our other issues. In spite of ourselves, our interactions became much more pleasant. We started wanting to go out for coffee together. Eventually, he kissed me goodnite. That was it.

But here's the thing. Once I realized that I still had these feelings for my H I knew that I couldn't go on making promises to XMM. That was dishonesty. So, I realized that the first thing I had to do was let XMM go. It wasn't easy at all. I did love him (probably still do) but in the months that have passed I've had alot of insight into WHY I got involved with XMM in the first place. I posted last week my feelings that these As are all about US! and your post bears that out. Your MM is meeting your needs, and of course, this creates a very pleasant experience for you. The object, however, is to identify those needs and meet them yourself in such a way that you're not causing any harm to anyone else. Easier said than done, I know.

You might want to think about getting some individual therapy on this issue. If you and your H are naturally drawing closer together, you WILL eventually need to make some decisions. Best of luck deciding what you want from life. Love, Mo.

(Oh yes, in answer to your question: No, I don't think we love THE PEOPLE; I think we love what they do for us. JMHO)

mo 7-18-10

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