im trying to ask lol. I guess how do you go from loving someone
with all of your heart to being just a friend.."
If you find the answer to that, there are a lot of people here who would be willing to pay you big bucks to share it!!!!
There is NO easy way to do it. (And I think more of us have had LDEMAs than you think -- including me.) At least not until you can put enough distance between your feelings and begin to treat and act and react around him the same way you do around your other friends, without obsessing or pining for the way things used to be.
My opinion is, you need a CLEAN break for awhile to heal, and then if a friendship was meant to be, it will be able to happen naturally.
I have been trying to figure this out for the last 6 weeks. My break-up was suddenly out of the blue to someone I have known and loved for over 20 years. I thought we would both end up together. His recent D caused alot of changes in our LD relationship. I think now that he was single there were lots of women wanting to date him and that made him think twice about me since I was still married.
He still wants to be friends and after 2 weeks of NC I emailed him and we "talked" a little. Mostly about his situation with XW and kids. It is hard to talk about mine as it is so up in the air. My H and I are separated and I need that space to deal with my deeling for my X otherwise I would explode. I also need to find a way to be friends with my X and be OK with that. It is hard and I often post here when I am feeling out of control and need to do something. These are times when I feel I am a raving maniac in a panic mode...it is good to be able to have someone "listen"...
I know it hurts alot more doing it this way- communciating-- but I do not want to lose the friendship that we have shared for 20 years...and it is my choice. In some ways it is nice to have a choice...the break-up was not my choice.
I think you just have to do what is in your heart. If you can deal with the pain of a changed relationship and want that - then be friends. If you need the space to heal first - then you need to give yourself that time. There is no right answer. We all are struggling in our won ways to make sense of the situation and be able to be happy. It claerly is tough-- but it is your choice.
As hard as it sounds, you have to back up, little by little. Call him a little bit less, take his calls a little less frequently. Get used to having him at a distance, and I believe you'll find other relationships to fill that part of your life. It doesn't just work to say you're just friends. The whole relationship has to change. You'll never replace him. But you'll make your life work, which is a lot better.
I have to echo what the other posters have said. You need to eventually stop having contact with him, as hard as that may be. I think the suggestion of ending communication little by little is a good one. If he has any idea how this whole thing has affected you, he will understand.
Also, you mention not being close with your H in years. Maintaining contact with MM is not going to help this at all. If you want to work on your relationship with H, you need to invest all of your time and energy in him, perhaps seek some counseling to work through the issues. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing :)
I believe a true friend is someone you can speak to in front of your spouse or say something to that you would discuss with your spouse.
Given the history with xMM, I believe your friendship with xMM is one you can end for the sake of success within your marriage.
So do so.
Hubby may forgive, however, he'll NEVER forget......so why risk your new-found re-commitment over someone who will most likely will never be single and available to you? You've chosen to remain married.
im trying to ask lol. I guess how do you go from loving someone
with all of your heart to being just a friend.."
If you find the answer to that, there are a lot of people here who would be willing to pay you big bucks to share it!!!!
There is NO easy way to do it. (And I think more of us have had LDEMAs than you think -- including me.) At least not until you can put enough distance between your feelings and begin to treat and act and react around him the same way you do around your other friends, without obsessing or pining for the way things used to be.
My opinion is, you need a CLEAN break for awhile to heal, and then if a friendship was meant to be, it will be able to happen naturally.
He still wants to be friends and after 2 weeks of NC I emailed him and we "talked" a little. Mostly about his situation with XW and kids. It is hard to talk about mine as it is so up in the air. My H and I are separated and I need that space to deal with my deeling for my X otherwise I would explode. I also need to find a way to be friends with my X and be OK with that. It is hard and I often post here when I am feeling out of control and need to do something. These are times when I feel I am a raving maniac in a panic mode...it is good to be able to have someone "listen"...
I know it hurts alot more doing it this way- communciating-- but I do not want to lose the friendship that we have shared for 20 years...and it is my choice. In some ways it is nice to have a choice...the break-up was not my choice.
I think you just have to do what is in your heart. If you can deal with the pain of a changed relationship and want that - then be friends. If you need the space to heal first - then you need to give yourself that time. There is no right answer. We all are struggling in our won ways to make sense of the situation and be able to be happy. It claerly is tough-- but it is your choice.
tb
Wishing you well....
Also, you mention not being close with your H in years. Maintaining contact with MM is not going to help this at all. If you want to work on your relationship with H, you need to invest all of your time and energy in him, perhaps seek some counseling to work through the issues. Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing :)
((hugs))
Circe
How are the counseling sessions with hubby doing?
Making progress?
I believe a true friend is someone you can speak to in front of your spouse or say something to that you would discuss with your spouse.
Given the history with xMM, I believe your friendship with xMM is one you can end for the sake of success within your marriage.
So do so.
Hubby may forgive, however, he'll NEVER forget......so why risk your new-found re-commitment over someone who will most likely will never be single and available to you? You've chosen to remain married.
SO focus on the marriage and shed xMM.....
jmmo.(Just My MALE Opinion)
cl-nre