Can you give me strength?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Can you give me strength?
33
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 7:37am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 9:36am

Welcome to EAS AIW.


You expressed how almost all of us feel when the ending the stupid affair.

Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 10:42am
Alice, you can't even wear perfume because he's afraid his W will smell it on him? C'mon, don't you love to smell good for the man you love? That should have been really humiliating for you. You don't realize that this A is destroying your self-esteem and self-worth. You are begging for small amounts of attention from a man who is so afraid that he will caught. That tells me that he is not as miserable as he leads you to believe. Your screen name states exactly where you are "aliceinwonderland" and I think you know that. I know it's hard to deal with real life and M especially when you are in a bad M but having an A is not the answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:29am

Alice,

You describe the textbook A we have all lived in. My own A hit the 18 month mark and suffered the same way. We both lost weight, the stress began tearing us both apart, he was always driving around his neighborhood, evading important things at work, missing his kids events due to the "fog", making plans to satisfy both his W and I....I could go on and on. On the other hand my life unraveled as well. I wanted him more than anything--my tolerance increased--I ignored my little daughter, would physically lock her out of the bedroom to steal time on the phone with him while she cried outside--gave up my whole social life--became a stranger to my H--ignored all my own needs--and even became selfishly obsessed to the point of telling my xMM that he couldn't do certain things to and with his wife. All this while he and I continued to make plans to be "together" in real life. He bought us a home--planned our honeymoon--spoke to my mom about his wishes--bought me a diamond promise ring. We both became hyper-vigilent. Our lives spiraled out of control while we tried to stay *in control*

That is what affairs do. They are built on secrecy and fantasy. It is an addiction to the highs. It shreds you of dignity--both parties--both you and your AP--until there is only a filament of yourself left. I was there. I thought I couldn't possibly LIVE without my xMM. I was ready to give up my child and my life to move 3 states away to my xAP. Until d-day happened.

I will tell you this. Getting to the other side means regaining dignity and finding out who you are once again. There is life. It will be ok. I swear to you. I thought my story was that I would be one of the "lucky ones" to make it through an A and be hapily ever after. It just simply doesn't happen.
Real life always comes into play. No matter how miserable both of your marriages are--real life is still lurking for him. He is worried about keeping his W and family happy. That you can bet on.

You wrote about all of the ways you have given you soul away. It is time to take it back. Find a great T to help you transition. Go back to being a mommy for your children and take back the dignity. It feels much better than living stolen moments with no hope.

It takes great courage but you can and will do it! We are here for you--to support you in any way.
I know if I can make it "one day at a time"--anyone can--my marriage is and was a mess and I thought AP was the only man for me in the world--my soulmate--the love of my life. I have come to realize that is simply the fantasy.

Have you done any therapy? If not I would encourage you to start with individual counseling.

((hugs)) LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 12:45pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 12:58pm

I felt the same way Alice.. and maybe still do. But what I realized is, if he truly was my soulmate, we would be together. My xAP is still with his wife. That is his choice. I can do nothing to "help" him anymore and he can do nothing to help me. You need to do this on your own- find your own strength.

I am no expert. I am only 12 days NC, but I tell you what, each day is a small victory when I do this without him. He cannot be the problem and the solution at the same time. It's time for you to stand on your own and I guarantee that you can do it. It does hurt- yes, feel that pain. And know that little by little it will get easier.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 2:49pm

Alice,


Welcome to endings and I must tell you that right now I'm trying very hard not to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 3:06pm
He has become my best friend in so many ways. Really?
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:18pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:22pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:45pm

Don't wait--break up with him, go grab the wine, and begin the healing.

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