Can you stay friends?
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Can you stay friends?
| Thu, 09-16-2010 - 4:40am |
Ok so I am pretty sure I know what the answer is going to be on this one... I have yet to end the A as he is still on vacation with his family.

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If you are serious about patching things up with H, then NO you cannot stay friends with XAP.... emphasis on the 'X'
You cannot give H your full attention whilst still communicating with xAP on whatever level.... you just cannot do it....
No more to say.....
NC
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges, New Commitment
NC since
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
I did think that was the case, but wondered if anyone had done it and it had worked for them.
headmessed, while trying to end my A for the last 3+ months, xAP and I tried so many different things
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Hello HM,
No way, now how, is friendship a possibility. If you were friends before the affair, unfortunately that relationship will have become another casualty of the affair.
The longer you are out of the affair, the more easily you will be able to see that you and your xAP were not friends. You may have been friendly to one another, but friends don't do/say/act the way we acted in our affairs. We don't encourage our RL friends to lie, manipulate, and cheat their loved ones. And we do encourage it by being willing participants in the affair with them. In fact, even if I did believe there was a possibility that people could be friends after an affair, I still wouldn't risk my self or my real life for that slim possibility. The planet is full of incredible people, why take the chance with someone who assisted you to walk down the affair road to h#ll?
Here is a great thread of what Being Friends after an affair really means:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=23930.1&x=y
((Hugs))
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hello and welcome to EAS -
The ole famous question of "can we be friends" man, I asked this very question numerous times; I asked the people here, I asked my friends, I asked some other board, I asked guy friends and the answer is NO!
I tried and tried to justify our being friends, that we will do this but not that, I told myself and friends "we can do it, I know we can, it's okay" heck, even XAP and I told each other we could (he was more convinced then I was that we could) and every time the answer is no, no and NO!
I know it sucks, the song by the Fray called "how to save a life" hurts to hear it because I do feel I lost a friend, a good one at that but for me there was no way to be friends with him, I cared too much, I wanted more, I am way too attracted to him and the chemistry between us just wouldn't allow us to be "just friends" plus once you cross that line there really is no going back.
I work with my XAP and trust me, it isn't easy and quite frankly it sucks, but we made our bed and we must now sleep in it.
"Nope."
How's that for a short answer. ;-)
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
Going to have to throw my 'heck, no!' into the ring as well.
Someone had mentioned this "Once you have a "certain" amount of a person, it's hard to limit yourself to "rules and regulations" when you know the other person is just there and you can reach them. All roads will lead back to the A. It has for my xAP and I."
This is it exactly. It's what happened to xAP and I. Once I/we were used to a certain way of relating and communicating, having a conversation or email that lacked all of those things - it hurt, it wasn't sustainable and we'd eventually go back to 'A talk'. Like TU said, if you were friends before...unfortunately that is yet another relationship that fell victim to the A. It just isn't possible, especially if you want to patch things up with your H. I'm S and xAP is a MM, and I knew there was no way he could fix himself/his M with me in the picture, and there was no way I could ever go on to a new and healthy real life R if he was in my picture. Not even as a friend. It's sad, but NC is the only way.
Hope you end the A and stick around! ((hugs!))
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Thank you guys for all your helpful and honest answers.
headmessed,
as you've been told, the answer is "no". i tried and failed as well.
my belief is, nobody wants friendship. you're willing to settle for friendship beause the idea of "no contact" is simply too crippling. but after all of that intimacy that was shared, its almost like you dont know HOW to be friends.
so what ends up happening, is that you downgrade to something similar to light EA, you talk less, sure, but when you talk, the intimacy is still there. i tried it...i tried the once in 2 week email...and then AP sent me a text once saying "i miss your sweet a$$". which, to be fair, it is QUITE sweet ;) but it was clear to me that for him, friendship was about holding on to me however he could. for me, friendship was because i felt guilty cutting the cord. these are not the elements of true friendship.
you cant do it, honey. and if you try, you'll be disappointed. i'm sorry :(
If I thought for a second that we could be friends I would have. But I knew myself too well... I would have always been looking for a flicker of something else. AND I knew that if he had a moment of weakness I would have been back back in the sack in a second. Then he would feel guilty and I would have felt awful. Then the cycle starts all over.
Also, by just being friends i know I would have continued to be just an emotional dumping ground for him. More than I already was and that would have SUCKED! I wanted out before I grew to resent him and him me.
It's just better this way.
Chechi
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