Can you stay friends?
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Can you stay friends?
| Thu, 09-16-2010 - 4:40am |
Ok so I am pretty sure I know what the answer is going to be on this one... I have yet to end the A as he is still on vacation with his family.

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Put my name on the list. I tried twice. I came up with a thousand ways to make it work. Surely two intelligent, professional adults could make a friendship work after an A. It didn't work. Two attempts at "just being friends" landed me right back into the affair. I hate giving up a friendship. That's something I have never wanted to do, however in this case, because I needed to save my M and my sanity, I had to give up the friendship. The answer to your question is a huge, resounding NO!
((hugs))
CSN
Thanks ladies, I am definitely not going to offer the friendship card! I am trying to think of all the crappy bits about the A instead of all the sweet bits and hot ;-)
Like being in the middle of a conversation and him saying,
No it does not work, no matter how much you think it can, it won't.
BTDT
One of the many reason it doesn't work is you've already crossed the line. That's been said. But what I found out is how you still hang onto expectations from your so-called xAP that if you were only friends, you wouldn't have. It's those expectations that get you every time - I promise! You don't realize the expectations are there, but they have a funny way of sneaking up on you and messing up what you thought was only a friendship. Something happens or one of you says something and you will look at it differently than if you were just casual friends. It just doesn't work. There is too much emotional baggage between the two of you, too many memories.
Also, is this a friendship that can be a real friendship, in the real light of day? Real friends are not hidden from our real everyday lives.
No. No. Double No!!!
I will fast forward this for you. You stay friends then one day he seems really down, you want to cheer him up (that is what friends do), you go out to lunch (another thing friends do), you text back and forth (still friendly). Then you look around and notice that you are right back on the A loophole.
Thanks to whoever posted about baggagereclaim.com - it's been a HUGE godsend for me each day to hear reaffirmation about the things we are talking about here - I had to share this one...
If you want to be his friend in spite of the fact that 1) you were never friends in the first place and/or 2) he treated you poorly in the relationship, I have to ask,
Why the hell do you want to be friends with this person?
If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex that you're cutting contact with, even if you don't express or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be their friend
If you are no longer emotionally attached and have gotten over them and moved on, let's say 6 months to a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if they actually have qualities that make them worthy of actually being your friend.
If someone is good enough to be your friend, how has it got to the point that you need to cut contact?
Bearing in mind that you have cut contact, what makes you feel that they will be respectful of your boundaries when you become their friend?
When you think about being friends you'll think stuff like:
I don't believe in being mean/horrible/cold/nasty .
I don't want to waste what we had between us.
I don't want to seem like I'm not being mature about things.
I still care about them.
I would like to have them in my life.
I think that just because you can't be lovers doesn't mean you can't be friends.
You also project how you would feel in the situation and you wouldn't want them to not be friends with you.
**Now hard as this may be for many of you to hear, these are all codewords and phrases for:
I don't want to let go.
I want to stay emotionally invested.
I'm hoping he'll change.
I'm hoping that he'll regret letting me go.
I don't love me enough.**
Have you downloaded the Mini Guide to NC and the accompanying checklist, Do I need to cut contact? Use this to remind yourself of how you have arrived at this juncture.
Bearing in mind why you have started NC in the first place, are these characteristics and behaviours that lend themselves to a friendship? If not, what would need to change?
What basis do you have for thinking that they have changed to the level that you would need?
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