Can't figure out some ppl....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Can't figure out some ppl....
5
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:30pm
Do any of you get the feeling that the X-OM or MM is trying to get to talk to you or contact only to put you down? I get a email from him and I respond to it. I hear nothing from him after that. Maybe it feels good to ignore me, since that gives him the upper hand. I no longer trust him to contact me without a inner motive for it. I have a feeling that he is doing all this for some sick control game that I want no part of. Well, I should have expected all this as this was a man who never had very kind words for me. It was always about him never about me. It doesn't really surprise me but I can't but wonder how some ppl's mind operate. Interresting....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 4:49pm
Hi Autumn,

I think you are EXACTLY right. For many men (and women) is IS about the control. It's about keeping the power in a relationship and using it to control the other person. I've heard it said that rape is not about sex, it's about control. I think for some men, not all, that's also a main reason they have an affair. They have a need to feed their egos by controlling the situation and person. Sex and mind games accomplish that pretty damn well. I'm not saying every man is like that, but I do think it is one of the types who gets involved in affair.

Just a thought!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:13pm
I'm reading a book called "How to be an Adult In a Relationship" and it talks about people who play these manipulative "seduce and withdraw" games. It's just all part of the nature of dysfunctional people who can't relate on a mature and loving level.

Just further proves this is a toxic person that you don't want in your life.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:25pm
This is a cut and paste from a post by BLUEEYEDGLONDGIRL, it offers a look at the mind of the OM.

discussion title:

Something I Learned Today

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message #:

14024.1

from:

blueeyedblondegirl

date:

Sep-9 10:49 pm

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My xMM is a narcissist. I don't know how many of your MMs are/were too, but I thought I'd pass on this piece of wisdom I received today from my therapist. I was discussing how it seemed like ever time I backed off a bit from xMM or began to institute NC, he would come flying back into my life full force. Now, during our A xMM never really withdrew from me, the longest time was for a week when he was on vacation w/his W & sometimes he would decrease the amount of time we'd talk/email in a given day, but I know I've read many posts here where MMs go for weeks or months w/o calling/emailing or whatever. Well, according to my therapist, getting dumped/being avoided by their MW or OW is highly painful for the narcissistic MM. Afterall, he is driven by the thrill/validation/ego boost that having sex w/a woman (usually many different women) while still married provides. He can often not comprehend the idea that the woman he so successfully wooed/bedded, etc. would ever want to leave him. He needs it to be his choice. Some MW/OW may see this as MM coming to his senses and realizing how much he's missed them, but in reality it often is simply MM needing to reestablish his control.

I think this explains a lot. So many posts I read are about how MMs come back into OW/MW's lives after the OW/MW have instituted NC or have tried to limit contact. And I think this helps explain why it often appears so "easy" for some MMs to simply end it while the OW/MW is left sad/confused/emotionally drained/hurt.

Well, I just thought I'd pass this on - I thought it was interesting & at least applied to my situation!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:09pm
XOM was never the kind to love/relate on a mature level. Its always games and they are all to suit his failing ego. There was always something lacking or not right for him. Well, atleast it was not from lack of trying on my part. Then I realized he was this needy person who needed to be reassured all the time. Now I have accepted the fact there is nothing that I can do that will ever make him happy. It was not my fault, but rather him not able to relate to me at a mature level. Oh well, I know what to do when he emails. Thanks for the posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:16pm
Free

I wouldn't go as far as calling XOM as narcissist. Its plain dysfunctional behavior, narcisissm is totally something else. I think the word had been used way too many times on this board and I don't believe it applies to my case. Thanks for your post.