can't get him out of my mind.....HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
can't get him out of my mind.....HELP!
2
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 8:59pm

Hi, it's been awhile since I've posted so I'll give a brief history of my story. I'm married for 5 years and currently seeking a divorce. I've had an ongoing relationship with my ex who was recently married five months ago.

Right before the wedding our relationship turned sexual and we had IC again two months after the wedding. I was so depressed after the wedding and angry with him for going through it but then I just needed to see him again so we met secretly. I then didn't hear anything from him for another couple of months. I called him when I found out my sister was invited by his wife to a gathering. This really bothered me and I called him and we met again. It ended up in a nice talk followed by alot of passionate kissing and so on.

I'm very distraught over the whole situation. I feel like he's my soulmate and there is no way for me to get him back permanently. I don't know if he has intentions of leaving her but I know he's not completely happy. We've been close for several years and there have been many of those years it was strictly friendship. But the chemistry between us is so strong it can't be denied. I feel like I'm deeply in love and can't possibly go on another day without him. I also feel it unfair to him to reveal this completely as he's so newly married, I wish I had before the wedding and now it's too late:(

Please I need advice and support! Do I try to win him back or just end all contact? Or even just remain friends? What does it sound like his motives are for an affair so soon after the wedding?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 3:32pm

sounds like he is very weak. I dont think he is a strong person. You have strong emotions...you are probably too strong for him. He buckled under pressure most likely and married her because he is weak and goes with convention. He cant leave her, wouldnt if he could. That is a bit obvious to me. He will NEVER leave her...least not in the near future. Hell..he couldnt break an engagement...which is far easier but less socially acceptable.
The sooner you break your addiction to him the better. You are only delaying the inevitablein my opinion. He is a newlywed. He went through with it and even then...had sex with you. You do realize that you probably dont respect him on a deep level. you are probably more chemically addicted to him ...than love him. think about it...can you love someone you dont respect? That is what did it for me. When my xMM did things I couldnt respect (and eventually me not respecting myself)...i couldnt love him the way i did...i lost respect for him. Now all i am left with is losing respect for myself. i vow to never ....EVER.....do that again. That is actually harder...that I am not innocent in this anymore. I cant put all the blame on him. I cant call him on it. He doesnt have to "answer" to it or to his new g/f. He was good eh? Now you have to rid yourself of him...quietly...slinking back into the dark and can never say anything because you are party to it to.
Let him go be miserable for his choices. You are not the prize, just the enabler of the crap. Otherwise he would have a concious and not gone through with his sham of a marriage. right?...ask yourself that.

Then Forgive yourself. Promise yourself to never compromise yourself or another woman's happiness again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:32am

"Then Forgive yourself. Promise yourself to never compromise yourself or another woman's happiness again."
I have lots of guilt yet about compromising another woman's happiness. I will never get involved with someone who has someone else. If you don't know then it's not your fault but never again. I'm sure the pain she went thru was far worse than anything I have been thru.
Never compromise yourself either. That's a big one, we do it so easily but now it's time to step up to the plate and put yourself first. What are you searching for in life? Think about it and then go for it.
LilRocket