Can't keep NC - Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Can't keep NC - Help!
7
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 8:58am
Help!

I want to try and make things work with my husband, but I can't stop thinking about the other guy. Problem is, I'm not trying to get things back that we once had in our marriage, I'm trying to create things we've never had. We've been married for 9 years, and I've never felt the kind of attraction and passion for him that I now feel for my A. Besides incredible sex, we really connect is so many other ways. It's like I've opened Pandora's box and, now that I know how strong my feelings can be, it's so hard to go back to what I had. And the other guy isn't married, and really wants me to leave my husband and be with him.

My heart wants to leave, my head knows it probably wouldn't work out and I would regret not trying to work it out with H. But, now I can't even have sex with H because it doesn't even come close to what I had in my A, and I don't think it ever will. All I think about is the other guy, and how much I want to be with him. I've tried to initiate NC several times, and keep breaking it because I desperately want to talk to him.

I don't know how to get through this. I can't accept that I will never see him again, and move on with my marriage. When I tell my husband that I love him, it feels like I'm lying, although I'm sure those feelings still exist somewhere.

Each minute is agony.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:13pm
You had a taste of the exciting life, good sex and companionship. Not a bad deal. You need to realize however, that that wasn't real life. An affair is almost fantasy. It isn't a real relationship...how can it be? You are always hiding a deep dark secret.

Your marriage needs some help, and you need to keep away from XOM while you work on your marriage. I would suggest counseling to your husband and see what he says. I had great passion with ex-OM also but you know what? It was too high a price for me to change my life around for. So I live a dull life. You know what? I have a gorgeous home, beautiful children, and a successful ($$$$$) husband that doesn't lie to me like the XOM did. I guess good sex is just not in the cards for me. I have come to accept that and even though it sucks I still stick by my decision to stay here. it was a long road for me to come to that conclusion that that is what I wanted for me. Now you have to make that decision for you. This "i don't know what to do " crap is going to eat at your soul eventually. Trust me, I've been there. NC helps you think rationally. It sucked for me, because all I had to go back to was a crappy marriage. I really am content now.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:00pm
Hi..I read your message with a great deal of interest b/c I am going the EXACT same thing except I am a married man recently involved with a single woman. My wife and I have been going thru some hard times trying to decide what to do, and we have 2 young children. The OW and I had a 2 year long affair with many break-ups and make-ups, mostly over her ultimatum to me and my unwillingness to leave my family. It wasn't fair to anyone, including the OW, my W, and the kids so we have called it quits, hopefully for good this time. Anyway, I feel that the ONLY way you can and will feel good about yourself is to first stop the A, then seek counseling. Then and only then can you leave your husband with a clear conscience, freeing you up to be with the OM. The OM will understand your actions if he truly loves you; if he doesn't want to wait for you, then any long term relationship with him would have been superficial at best. Believe me, I know how you feel; you long to be with him, remembering all great sex and passion, the feeling that everything is right in the world, the attention, the love. But you can't go on like this...please keep us posted. You are not alone in your feelings....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:19am
Thanks so much. It's good to know that there are others that feel this way out there.

OM broke contact today. Like I said, he's single and wants to be with me. Sent me an e-mail that said he wants to marry me as soon as possible. It just broke my heart. This the same night that my husband and I went to counseling, without much progress.

I am so depressed over the thought of never seeing OM again. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't concentrate or enjoy anything. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I don't know how to let him go. This is so painful. Please tell me it gets better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 6:51pm
I am sorry you are feeling do depressed. Again, I know how you feel because I am going thru the same thing as you. I have resisted the temptation to break NC, but it IS very difficult. I think about her all the time, too, not really knowing what I would do if she called me first. I have so much invested in my marriage that leaving would also be difficult so I am trying my best to hold it together. I still cry a lot but I will say that it does get easier day by day. Please try to stick to your guns and go thru the counseling...if your marriage doesn't work out, at least you can leave without regrets...Michelle Weiner has written a lot of books on divorce...in fact, she is probably the number 1 fan of marriage..her books include "The Sex-Starved Marriage" and "The Divorce Remedy"...check them out if you have a chance...BTW, do you have any kids ? Also, does you husband know how you feel? Good luck...keep us posted...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 3:12am
Thanks for the support. How long have you been in NC? When did it get easier for you? Do you feel like you've been able to improve your marriage? How long do you think you need to break NC and try with spouse before you know if you might be able to work on things? I guess in my mind I was thinking three months. Seems like that would be long enough to get over OM if it's just addiction like everyone says.

My husband and I have 1 daughter who is three years old. Yes, he does know how I feel. Impossible not to since I'm crying so much. Obviously, it doesn't make him feel very good.

If I could go back in time, I never would have done this. Hurts too much to know how good it can be, then to let it go. Still not ale to sleep, concentrate, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 5:05pm
One option is a trial separation. Who knows...you may find yourself actually missing your husband. My OW and I talked about me separating and I thought I could do it, but when it came time to do it, I balked. Just couldn't leave the kids even if I would be seeing them part time. I have broken NC many times with this OW, but it feels final this time, tho it's only been a few weeks. Thus, I am probably not a good example to follow or to listen to. I just wanted someone to commiserate with !! Still, I have learned a lot about myself, my weaknesses and undiscovered strenghts. I think is all boils down to priorities; hubby and daughter vs. your own need for passion and fulfillment. A separation might help you to see if the OM is the real deal or just part of a fantasy/toxic kind of love. It sounds like the counseling isn't going anywhere fast...I have experienced the same thing; counseling helps, but you really have to do the work to make it go anywhere. I'll continue with it tho hoping that someday things will get better...More later
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:05pm
Funny you should say that. I was just thinking about a trial separation today. Actually mentioned it to my H, who said that would be fine, as long as I did not see the OM.

Honestly, this is just so hard. I feel nothing for my H right now, and I know it's because my emotions are so clouded by my feelings for OM. But, I don't know how to get past those emotions without seeing him again, and knowing if they are real. Even if I try to be with H now, I feel like I'll always have regrets about OM, and not be able to get past them, or re-commit.

I hope things get better for you and your wife. Congrats to you for being so strong and staying NC for three weeks! So far, I haven't even been able to make it a day. I know what I need to do, I just can't find the strength to do it. Even a day feels like an eternity, and I feel so trapped at home.

Still going to try counseling. Keep me posted. I'll do the same.