Can't make the break

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2013
Can't make the break
3
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 6:54pm

Been having an affair with a married coworker for going on 7 months. Neither of our spouses know and we've tried to break it off several times in the past and ech time I feel crushed. Maintained a bit of a normal friendship for the sake of our careers for weeks or so but we keep falling back in. I told him I loved but he has not said the same. i think he cares about me. I know I am a fool. He will make sexual comments to me about how I turn him on and it makes it so hard. I am incredibly turned on by him. Neither of us is going to leave our marriages. If he doesn't say bye for the weekend I feel crushed. It's so hard because I feel rejected at home (my husband and I have had sex maybe 5 times this year), but I know he is not able to give me what I want either, though

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 9:49am

Welcome to EAS, LNM

I'm sorry you are struggling to end your workplace affair. Workplace affairs are just awful because it's even more difficult to break free because you have to see each other...and see each other usually on a daily basis.  How closely do you work? Is he in the same department so you see him every day? Do you sit close by to each other? Or, do you just work in the same building? different floors?

Breaking free from an affair is very similar to breaking free from an addiction. It's not easy, you'll experience withdrawals, and you'll need a supportive system in place to help you through. There have been thousands of women and men who have passed through this Board and have been able to end successfully. Going total no contact makes it a tad easier. Having limited contact is going to take more resolve. And, I am sorry to say, that some have actually had to leave their job to make a clean break. Sitting with a therapist to help support and guide you is a good idea and coming here and talking through your withdrawals will be helpful too. If you have a close friend you can confide in for support and hugs...all the better.

If the two of you have tried to end it in the past, it seems to me you both know it needs to end...and it's helpful when it's a mutual decision.

I think at this point, I'd have a heart to heart talk...something along the lines of "Listen we know this needs to end, and if we really want it to stick, we have to support each other in making sure it does.  We have to work together and so it is best that we just maintain a professional, business-like, about-work-only relationship...no need to be angry with each other, we just need to avoid personal conversations and contact."

And once you've establish the groundrules, it's a matter of sticking to them. Because I'm sure you don't want to experience this kind of angst and anxiety for the rest of your working life, right?...right :)

Once you start breaking free and get your shaky self back on solid ground, you can start plugging back into your reality where  your husband and ?children reside...and start addressing which direction you want to take regarding your marriage.  Therapy will help you immensely to work out your issues. It's all about us and our issues and generally our inability to cope in a healthy manner.  Having an affair is not coping in a healthy manner. But I figure that you are realizing that now.

Post in and let us know how you are doing today.

((hugs))

Clarity

I edited to add to please read through other threads, especially in our Healing Library, for fortification and resolve and to be comforted in the knowledge that others have been where you are and have indeed made the break. There are some good resources in the Healing Library. If the thread on Limited Contact in the workplace can be found, and I will try to find it, I'll bump it to the top. And here is a great site to peruse.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 3:26pm

I was in an A for over 4 years with my neighbor. It worked for about a year then it was 3 years of misery. We both tried to end it more times than we could count. Finally a little over 3 years ago my family moved 700 miles away. And there was still drama on the phone, email. There has been NC for years, no physical contact since I moved.  If would have went on forever. You may strongly want to consider changing jobs. For your emotional well being, to keep your family, for your career. 

I had an infinitely easier time giving up alcohol. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 4:56pm

I tried floating the thread on LC to the top, but it doesn't seem to want to take.  So, here's the link.

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/eas/affair-healing-library/rules-maintaining-lc-work

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board