Can't make the hurt go away

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Can't make the hurt go away
4
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:16pm

Hello and happy Friday

it hurts and it hurts really bad. I find mysrlf crying in spurts. Ill be driving home from work and tears scroll down my face. I am taking a shower and tears once again. This has been happening for a while now.. Even in Contact. I dont know what to do. I am journaling, taking baths to relax, listening to music that will cheer me up, visit with friends, and posting here but that dark cloud follows me where ever I go. I really want to know why in the heck do we well I think of all the great things now that I am out. There is a reason why it didn't work. I cant seem to see it for what it is. Driving me crazy. I still see this JAM as my dream man :( its a disaster. I want to feel normal again... what does that even feel like again??? somebody tell me please LOL

Ladies I am going to go through some of your posts and try and gain some insight and check out the healing library. I apologize if i dont offer my advice as I am in no position to advise anyone of anything... I do offer my support from afar

XXXOOO




Edited 5/8/2010 3:13 am ET by livexlaughxlovex
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 10:30pm

hello,

I am so sorry to hear your hurt - but I am here, holding it with you. You are not alone. As I listen to the rain drops outside my bedroom window, I am reminded of a time not long ago when all the sounds around me were drowned out by my sobbing - those tears would come on so unpredictably I was scared to rise out of bed in the morning. I was afraid to see friends, or even my children. I felt unsafe for myself and those around me. I would have moments of terror thinking that THIS was going to be my new 'normal'. How could I have done it to myself? I was having suicidal thoughts - and here I was (am) ... 35 years old, getting my PhD, a fierce feminist, mother of three of the most stunning children in the world, with amazing friends, a kick a$$ house that I could only have dreamed of but my H made sure to make it mine, and here I was, so full of self-pity that I couldn't see a life without my xAP. Well - thank goddess those feelings passed - we can't make the hurt go away. We just gotta let it rise up - we gotta face it, and grab onto something real & solid until the hurt washes over us. And that's what you have done. You have grabbed on to us here. We are here - standing there with you, not to take the hurt away, but to quietly urge you to hang in there with it - to believe in the possibilities of a life without this kinda hurt & suffering. It won't always be there LLL and the sooner you start letting the fantasy go, the sooner you can let the healing work happen. I still cry. There are those moments where the loss of 'him' seems to take my breath away. I miss the laughter we shared. But I am finding it elsewhere. No it isn't the same, and I am okay with that now. And those tears, they don't drown out the sound of the rain anymore - or anything else so simple and lovely.

(((hugs)))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:02pm

Ohhhh... my heart is aching for the pain you have felt. I can relate all too well.

~~~There are those moments where the loss of 'him' seems to take my breath away. I miss the laughter we shared. ~~~~~

I feel that exact same feeling and it is the laughter more so than anything that I will miss. Like you said I too can share laughter with others but it isnt the same.

Im sure with each passing day it will get better..seems like you are feeling better? I hope you have brighter days ahead. You have so much going for you. Be so proud of your accomplishments!!!




Edited 5/7/2010 11:04 pm ET by livexlaughxlovex
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 11:08pm

LLL,

Yes - I am actually feeling really really well today (-:

I'm actually amazed at how incredible my life is - and here it was all along waiting for me to get my head outta my a$$ to see it. Now, things aren't perfect in it, to be sure, but I'll take working on real life and getting somewhere with it - than working on a fantasy, that goes no where, any day!

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:13am

Hi LLL-


I remember that dang dark cloud all too well. It clouded every aspect of my life for a long time (even during the A). Trust me, with each day, it loses steam and little by little, rays of sunlight will start to poke through and eluminate reality for you. It's hard to shed the shackles of that fantasy. It's hard to comprehend forever without someone who occupied your thoughts for so long. Please trust me that it will get better. If you are committed to leaving the A behind and you have taken the steps to block and walk, it will get better. Now is the time to focus on YOU. And when you feel overwhelmed and down, allow yourself to feel it, but also remember that for every down, there is an up... and that one day soon you will have more ups than downs and that will give you wings.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/