Can't Stop Crying!
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Can't Stop Crying!
| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:52pm |
I was fine yesterday. I was ok the day before. I was ok earlier today. Now why can't I stop crying???? Oh gawd, I hate this so much. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like this is all in my head. He's not making any advances towards me or anything. Why don't I hate him? All I can think of right now is everything that he told me when we were together. I've never had anyone be like that with me before. How could he do this to me? Why am I so stupid? I just want to stop crying and stop having these feelings for him. Why is this so different than breaking up with a regular boyfriend? And it doesn't seem like I can get across the agony and helplessness that I feel right now in words. I just want this to all go away and to never have happened.

fallon,
it ok, its good to cry
take care,
max
(((txfallon))
Tears cleanse the soul. You will know when there are no more to shed. You will wake up one day and say "Enough!" Beating yourself up on the "whys" is a waste of precious energy. There will always be lessons in life that we need to learn.....The Buddhist's say, "That which brings us to our knees are our greatest teachers." (or something like that.....heck, it's late.)
We are all too good to be played by these fools. Realize you are too good for him and that someone who truly loves you will come along and you will have learned a great lesson from this. I know how hard it is to work with MM when they treat you like this and many days I would leave work and get in my car and just cry. I would ask him to do something and he had to go with the W somewhere or whatever and it really hurts. But you realize if they were really miserable at home and did not love the W they would leave. They are looking for a little fun on the side with no strings attached and always go back to the comfort zone at home. I also wish Ihad known all this and found this Message board before I got involved with MM but I have learned a lot in life from this A and it does get better. I thought I would never get over him and I still have some feelings for him but I realize they were all based on lies and he is a liar which makes it easier to let him go. If they really wanted to be with us they would find a way!!
Hang in there...it will get better!!
TF
It sounds like reality is sinking into your heart not just your head, the difference between this and a B/F break up is after these things you begin to realize at a gut level what you sacrificed of your self to be involved in this type of a "relationship", the toll for an affair even if you never intended it to be one is much higher then a healthy relationship.
Hang in there this two will pass, you cry tell your finish.
Free
Thanks so much for all of your responses. Most of all I feel really stupid. I hate feeling stupid. I also hate that everyone thinks he is such a great guy and I know different and can't tell anyone - like "I plead the 5th" because if I tell anyone it's only to implicate myself in the process. I feel like scum, too, if I'm upset over him going back home because he "did it for the kids". I can't count how many times he's told me that since I don't have kids I could never understand what he feels for them. I think what makes me the most crazy is that I have this gut instinct that he didn't really just go home for the kids, but of course he tells me that he's sacrificed what he feels for me to be a good father for his kids. He tells me that she knows he's just there for the kids, too, and there has been no sex between them.
I also feel stupid because when this started I didn't trust him fully because I had my heart broken by my ex-bf. I kept telling him that he could probably just be this married guy who kept telling me he was going to get a divorce and then wouldn't. I knew all of the cliches, but I fell for it anyway. He kept pushing at me and pushing at me and knew just how to get me to fall in love with him. I wanted him to prove me wrong about being the cliched married guy, so I trusted him and was more open with him and more myself with him then anyone I've ever been involved with, including my ex-bf who I was with for 5 years - who I lived with and was practically married to.
I don't want him to turn out to be a bad guy because then what does that say about me falling for him? How can I ever trust anyone again?
Here are snippets of a conversation we had on 1/31. I have posted these twice and deleted them twice b/c I felt wrong about it, like I was betraying him, but whatever:
ME: Well, that box you check on your tax return pretty much takes care of that, doesn't it?
HIM: In paper, yes, in reality, I'd rather much be w/ you
ME: And you're the only one who can change the situation, and since that isn't going to happen, then we should pretty much forget about it
HIM: Who says? We fight constantly and I'm just waiting for those majic words
ME: And why can't you say them? Why does it have to be her?
ME: I bet if she found someone, she would be out that door in no time
HIM: Because if it's her, it makes me feel alot better than me thinking I abandoned my kids
------
ME: Two weeks ago, no matter what you say happened, you were mentioning that things may be changing soon - but then when I went to you, you tell me that they aren't and that I must have misunderstood - so it's like you're playing with me
HIM: I'm not playing with you, really I'm not...I WANT things to change and it seems like they are, we fight all the time and getting to be nothing but yelling matches everytime I go home...Will it happen now? Not sure, but soon, yes...Even her mom is saying give up on me
ME: Do you understand that I don't trust you now?
ME: Or why I don't?
ME: And I trusted you implicitly - it took a lot for me to do that
HIM: That's fine , I don't expect you too
ME: It's because you kept assuring me all along that it was going to happen, and got upset with me if I didn't believe you, and then it didn't happen.
ME: And you aren't supposed to admit this, but I was devastated
HIM: I know ..I'm sorry, I really am, but I wanted to be there for my kids, especially for my son since he's so young. I wanted to see him everyday and be with him when he felt bad, play with him, teach him etc etc..I don't expect you to understand that, but that is THE only reason I did it...I started missing them both
ME: ... I know that
HIM: I know you know it, but don't accept it...I think you think I went back for her and that's simply not true..we don't even sleep in the same bed nor do we even do anything together...I stay home all the time and don't go near her..I'm usually playing with the kids...and there has been absolutely no sex
I hate to be so impatient, but I wanted to get the feedback on the IM between me and MM that I posted. Whatever feedback anyone has. I think I know what the feedback will be, but I still need it to reiterate to myself all the realities of the situation.
Thanks everyone!
Txfallon, I didn't read your IM text for a simple reason:
your affair is over.
Whatever xMM has to say about the past is meaningless to me.
Tell me what you're planning for your future and what you're going to do with your days off.
Tell me about your plans for ensuring you date only men who are single and available to you as you truly deserve to be available.
Ims to xMMs just keep contact with a dead horse.
I'm interested in the living........
jmho,
cl-nre
Nicely put and a good way of looking at it.
Fallon, none of it matters he made his decision for what ever reasons he made it, HE IS STAYING with his wife and children and it does not matter one little bit how he feels about HER OR YOU, it is over unless you want to be his fun on the side, thats up to you but if you do you will be rubbing yourself of a real life.
Free
I don't want to be, and that's what I told him on 2/10. We haven't had any more of these types of discussions since then. He is actually not the one trying to pursue anything right now. I don't want to do it, but I seem to be trying to still UGH! Anyway, I think that all in all he's being really good at respecting what I told him on that day. I just happen to be the one who couldn't accept it. I am getting there, though. It's very tough, but we have been doing the back and forth game since October&November. This time, I think it will stick.
I go back and forth on my opinion of him being a good or bad guy. I think he made a bad choice when he started things with me. At least he was separated at the time. He made the decision to go back to his family and I have to respect him for wanting to do the right thing. It's just hard to be the one that he didn't choose. That's the hardest thing to swallow any time that you get dumped. This was just a more intense R since it really was strange (bad) circumstances.
I still like him as a person, so I guess it's that I still have a "crush" on him, for lack of a better word. I didn't cry today and actually had no points where I was even trying to hold back tears. That was good :)
Anyway, those are my thoughts at the moment.