Can't stop thinking about him

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Can't stop thinking about him
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 2:41pm

I am married and had a 4 month affair with a co-worker that is single. We fell in love so quickly, he was all I thought of. His feelings for me were the same. He told me he loved me, never fell so quickly for someone, never had such strong feelings for someone, I was exactly what he had always been looking for, etc. It was all so very sweet and the sex was great. I loved every minute we spent together. 

My husband discovered the affair and told me I had to break off all contact with AP if we were going to stay married. I have hurt him so badly and feel terrible about it.  I feel I owe it to my husband and children to try my hardest at making the marriage work. I quit the job. I agreed to cut the affair off, but secretly kept in contact with AP for 4 weeks via text and phone, but never physically saw him. My husband discovered that I was still in contact with AP and was hurt again. I have now gone 3 weeks without contact, until today. I opened a new email account and messaged him from it. He told me he still loves me, misses me, thinks about me constantly, hopes that we'll be together one day. 

I want to stop thinking of and longing for AP. I want to be true to my husband and to my marriage. I don't want to hurt my husband anymore. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt AP either. I need help. How do you get over someone you want to be with and that wants to be with you? How do I fall back in love with my husband? 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 8:11pm

Welcome to EAS, E.

Unless you are considering leaving your marriage for a man you've been involved with for only four months and towards whom you are probably just luusting after and not really loving...and the same for him, I'd suggest going NC (no contact) so you can get clear as to where you want to go from here.

It's difficult to assess your life and your marriage while 'crushing' after another.  NC will afford you some time and distance out to regain your footing and provide you with some clarity.

We knows it's difficult to stop the obsessive thinking...and that's why going NC is so important.

You can also replace obsessive fantasy-based thinking with reality-based thinking.  Read all you can here and in our Healing Library...especially that Discovery Day thread, which will/should/hopefully give you a reality check.

Therapy is an option to get to the bottom on your 'whys'...because affairs are all about our weaknesses and inabilities, and we need to get to the bottom of these to become healthy and to bring a healthy self to our relationships.

Keep posting in.  I'm sorry it's so quiet.  Not many come here any longer.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2013
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 12:48pm

Thank you, Clarity. I will definitely read through those. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 1:37am

Obviously it is terribly difficult for you and AP to be apart. But you seemed to have made the choice to stay with your husband and family.  It must be terribly difficult for you to be in love with this AP.  Or could it possibly the fairy tale and lust that makes it all so enticing?  Either way I know you are struggling.  The hopeful answer is that eventually you will tire of the AP.  The worst case scenerio is that your H will reach his limit with you and leave. There are no easy answers.  Best of luck to you.