Can't trust now

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Can't trust now
12
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 11:34pm
I ended a 4 year affair finally 6 months ago. Actually he ended it. I didn't have the strength or charactor to follow through and do it. Anyway, I am finding it almost impossible now to trust anyone I go out with. I am afraid that they are going to hurt me, or that I will get so deep emotionally and tied to them that I will suffer again when it breaks up. I could be passing up some great people and experiences, even marriage. Has anyone else experienced this after their affair and how did they get through it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 12:14am

Hi there,

Wow, first of all, I would say "slow down." :) Only 6 months out of a 4-year A? I know everyone has their own time table and "schedule" with how and when they deal with things coming out of an A, but you were in a LT "relationship" with a shady character . . . 6 months is barely enough time to scratch the surface of all you need to heal and recover from, not to mention the issues inside of YOU that you need to address and deal with.

Right now, I would say trusting another man is one of the least of your worries.

I would work on your relationship with yourself first--at least, that is my focus at this point.

I don't need to learn to trust another man . . . I need to learn to trust myself.

That I will have healthy boundaries when it comes to the men I allow myself to get close to.

That I will have the strength and resolve to say "no way" when I'm presented with a situation that is neither safe nor appropriate.

That I will act with integrity, no matter how lonely or down I may be feeling at any particular time.

That I will protect my heart and not be willing to hand it over to the next Prince Charming who comes along (I am a sucker for a man with "charm"--say the right words to me, and I melt. I'm a writer--the "right" words will get me every time if I'm not careful and wise.)

Right now, honey, I would be about the business of making sure that you trust YOU to protect yourself from toxic and unhealthy situations. Don't leave it up to the men you get involved with to keep you safe and protected. You protect your own heart by being sure you have good boundaries and a healthy sense of self.

And after an A, those things take some time to develop.

-Juliette

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 5:47am

I agree with Juliette.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 7:12am

Dear Pe,


Juliette and GP have offered excellent advice and I hope you take their words to heart. Working on a relationship with ourselves, as well as learning how to trust

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 10:51am

Hi,



Your last message to me was great. i tried to do what you suggested. it has been over six months since we split up. i was doing really well with NC then he started calling me again. saying we are friends we should be able to talk. then he started with sex talk. says i am the only one he can talk to. recently he had serious health issues and called me constantly. he constantly talks, yet tells me friends can talk with each other. both of us know that if we even met for coffee it would start again. it was so hurtful for 4 years. i don't forget that yet i am lonely and i have shared more than sex with him. he says he misses me and i am the only person he can tell these things to. I miss him to. i don't know how to stop this. it is almost like an addiction. i have not been with anyone since and don't plan to. if we are still friends like he says, then why is he still talking to me with sex, and acting secretive. friends don't do that. what are your thoughts? i feel badly ending it because he is sick. maybe i don't want to because i am lonely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 11:15am

Honey, my first thought is, RUN!!

This man is NOT your friend, regardless of what your feelings or his mouth is telling you.

No, a friend would not talk sexy to you. Especially not a MARRIED MAN "friend." A friend would not disrespect your boundaries. You ended your A, right? You've been NC, you've been healing, trying to deal with the aftermath of your A . . . and then he pops back up? Typical MM behavior, but completely disrespectful and selfish.

You have to separate how he makes you feel with the truth--and the truth is, he's toxic for you. This relationship is toxic. And the only way, in my opinion, to deal with a man like this who won't leave you alone, is to block him.

You say "this is almost like an addiction." Honey it IS an addiction, and it's so destructive. Contact with this man is like a drug to both of you, and the only way out of this hell is to block him from your life and go back to NC.

I know that sounds extreme, but anyone on this board would tell you that extreme measures are often necessary when it comes to ending an A. Especially if you have a man who keeps popping up in your life.

The last post I wrote to you was all about healing after an A before you move on to a healthy relationship. If you continue to talk with and engage with this man in any way, you are just prolonging the pain, putting off the healing that you need to do, and keeping yourself from ever experiencing real love.

Do NOT let him tell you that what the two of you have is "true love." Sorry, but affair love is anything but true.

You have to go back to NC. You have to block him. And you have to put boundaries in place to protect yourself. Never mind his "health issues"--they are not your responsibility. He's a big boy, he'll be okay. As for your loneliness, you need to look for other ways to deal with that. I started reaching out to other single women I knew and really focused on developing deeper friendships. Having some good girlfriends to call on a Saturday night when you miss the company of a man is HUGE in battling the loneliness you feel after an A.

Take your focus off him and put it back on you, just like I said previously. You need to continue healing and you need to put blocks and boundaries in place to protect yourself from further hurt. Engaging with this man is just going to keep you stuck and inflict more pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 11:39am

Hi,



Thank you for your quick reply. I have a veryhard time being tough with him. I got out of a very long abusive marriage. this guy was my attorney. there is some kind of sick connection with this guy that i have. i think he must be sick too. he talks about how i hurt him when i was frustrated with the relationship and lashed out. i was trying to end it. i did several times and he just kept on coming back. i even told him that he is selfish and using me because of his emotional lackings. supposedly his wife is off doing her own thing. i can't seem to see this guy for what he is and that scares me. enough not to get involved with anyone because i know that i can't see guys for who they really are. for some reason i feel a compulsion to make him happy, forget about me. we have talked up and down about how this is unfair to me and he keeps calling. i wonder if because he was the one who "freed" me from my marriage that somehow i feel a connection. anyway, it was a very hard 4 years. i can't believe i let it go on that long. plus, i don't think that he has any absolutes for right or wrong. one of the reasons i kept trying to get out and was upset is because i was breaking all of my moral values. i just threw them away and then felt overwhelmingly guilty. i am now trying to get back to what i know is right and then this guy keeps upsetting me. you are so right in what you say. i wish i had someone here i could tell this to so that they could help me to have NC again. i am using him to i think, because of the loneliness. somehow i am being misled into thinking we had this great close relationshiip and i would miss that. truthfully, when i didn't hear from him i felt freeer. i have a really hard time hurting anyone so it is hard to block him. i deluded myself into thinking because he was unhappy with his wife and she didn't know that i wasn't hurting her or doing anything wrong. i even said to him the other day that just by him calling me and talking sexy he was being an adulterer. believe me i know that when i engage with that i am doing something awful. he said, i guess so, but then he doesn't stop. in a sick way i guess it still makes me feel desirable, and after a marriage that totally destroyed me, i think this attention is real. what a mess. thanks for talking with me. i feel so isolated and weak in this area

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 12:04pm

Real quick, I would say two things:

1) If you don't have someone in your area to help you stay NC--and even if you do--use this board. Everyone here will tell you the truth, give you support and tough love when needed. But you need to read, read, read . . . go to the Healing Library, read through the posts--there's a TON of wisdom and insight here. You need to fill your mind with the truth to combat all the lies this man feeds you.

2) It sounds like you could benefit from some individual counseling. I was in an unhappy marriage for 20 years, during which time my H was emotionally abusive. Nobody would have believed it because they didn't see the side of him that I did, but he really eroded my self-esteem. The man I had an A with was controlling and manipulative, and I allowed him to mistreat me, as well. Not that I was a victim in my A--I made horrible choices, I know. But I have typically not had good boundaries with men and I am easily manipulated and controlled. A lot of that goes back to my relationship with my father, and I've worked through several issues through counseling.

Somehow you need to get some "fight" in you, stand up for yourself and not let this man into your life any longer. He's not the cure for your loneliness, I promise you. He might make you feel desirable or good about yourself for moments here and there, but the pain he's inflicted has got to be far greater than the "good" he's made you feel.

Blocking him is NOT mean! You don't owe him a thing--he was your attorney, handled your divorce, end of story. Blocking is not about hurting him--it's about saving yourself.

You have a choice--give in to this tool and suffer a world of hurt, or protect yourself by blocking and walking. I hope you choose the latter. There is a community of women here who will walk with you through all the emotions that come with it, but you have to find the strength within yourself to shut him out and get back to NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 12:20pm

Pe,



I remember you from

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 12:29pm

Dear P:



When I read your posts,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 12:48pm
I just want to say thanks for your input and the others who responded. it is really hard, but i did have NC for awhile so I can do it again. It is toxic, you are so right. I don't know why i can't see him for the selfish evil man he must be. even when he knows it is hard on me he still tries to contact me. so wrong.

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