Can't trust now

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Can't trust now
12
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 11:34pm
I ended a 4 year affair finally 6 months ago. Actually he ended it. I didn't have the strength or charactor to follow through and do it. Anyway, I am finding it almost impossible now to trust anyone I go out with. I am afraid that they are going to hurt me, or that I will get so deep emotionally and tied to them that I will suffer again when it breaks up. I could be passing up some great people and experiences, even marriage. Has anyone else experienced this after their affair and how did they get through it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 1:47pm
You opened yourself and trusted someone who came in to the relationship as a liar and a cheater. He came to you screaming (silently) I am cheating on my W and I am not a trustworthy man. You base your ability to trust on someone who showed you from day one that he can't be trusted? That is not good. You are choosing not to date and make yourself available for a man who will treat you like a queen. You really have to ask yourself why you are using this as an excuse. He was never anyone who you should have trusted in the first place. As yourself why he was "safe" for you? He was always unavailable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 2:36pm

Hi,



You brought out something I never saw. Thank you for your insights.. I have no idea why I did what I did. You're right, I am basing my poor judgement on him. It's hard sometimes to see the truth.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 2:44pm

Hi,



I think he felt safe bcause he had gotten me out of my abusive marriage. he seemed kind and concerned about me. we had a background in common. i just think i was vulnerable and needed to be held and there he was. even tho; I can see that what he did is deplorable, i still can't see him as evil. but then i can't seem to see my abusive ex as evil either and he left lots o damage. recently there was a seemingly nice guy who actively pursued me, but i was very afraid and stopped it. i guess i am afraid o my judgement and also that this guy might also be selish and abusive. not sure how you can trust any man after all this. all to say, i am very aware that i did something very wrong and there are many who ccould call me many names too

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 4:54pm
No, he didn't get you out of an abusive M. You got yourself out. You are strong and you did something that was incredible. Don't give him credit that you deserve. You did something some women only dream about doing. We all did something wrong when we had an A. We just need to not repeat our bad behavior. Give yourself a lot of credit because you have to be an amazing woman to get out of an abusive M. Don't allow your past to shape your future. There are some amazing men who don't cheat and don't abuse women. Be open to accept a good guy and run when you see toxic behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 7:25pm

Thank you. i don't feel very strong. it was a no brainer to leave my H. i still had

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