Cant we be "JUST FRIENDS".....LOL!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Cant we be "JUST FRIENDS".....LOL!!!!!
16
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 11:27am

Okay, so I feel really strong and really good about once and for all moving on from this A. Something has sunk in that I had been struggling with for a loooooong time (ever since the A started a year and a half ago) and that is the thought of why XAP and I can’t be friends. I use to beat myself up about that and truly believe we could be friends that in fact, we are FWB for the most part, it was as if it was drilled into my head and I’d say …..YES DAMN IT, WE CAN BE FRIENDS no body gets us and our situation is different then others……well a light bulb went off in my head recently and now know in my heart, and believe in my heart that there is no way we can be “just friends”……LMAO, was I really that dumb and naive?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009

Big high five to you, LIGA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2008

Hi Life...


So, I just want to say, accepting the fact we can’t be friends, not wanting to try and be friends and truly believing in my heart, mind and soul there is no way we could ever be friends


Just wanted to say!! Write this on your mirror! Put it in writing in your wallet! Inscribe it into your brain! Do whatever you possibly can to remember these words that you have wrote!!


No there is no way to be friends with XAP!!! Ever!! Believe me this is my experience! I believed I was strong enough to remain his friend that I could keep that bond that we shared and I entered back into the A for another year this very way! But now he wasn't just the man the I was having an A with he was truly my friend! It is NEVER possible! Friends share things, they talk, they laugh, they enjoy eachothers company ~ you can't do this with a man that you have had an A with because the fog becomes thicker! The glasses are rosier! It is NOT an option!


So I guess that this is kinda harsh and by all means not meant to be... more just a warning from someone who experienced a relapse of the A from this very thought process! And who went through a Dday because of it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010

Hi LIGA! YES YES YES!


This is a huge epiphany for you. I too rationalized staying in tough with him each time I ended it because we were friends. I remember saying to him on several ocassions- each time as if it were an epiphany- that I was cool without the romance as long as we could be friends. What a joke. I thought, I will be ok being his friend as long as he is in my life... I NEED him in my life. WRONG! What I needed was some time and space to clear the fog and realize that I can go on living without him- in fact, I am better off without him and dodged a huge bullet by getting out when I did. There's no room for him in my life any longer. I choose ME. I choose my M.


He was/is not your friend.


“No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker


Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

I know you’ve been struggling with that question for about a year. I’m glad you’ve finally come to the

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007

Congrats on crossing over the fence. For me that was a tough one.

I have a question - what "changed" your mind? Or how did you process the "we can't be friends" through your mind? Sounds like maybe it was a slow realization of the fact, but was there any one light bulb moment that pushed you over the fence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010

I had a question after reading -


Sadly I know I'm playing tug of war with myself on this. And I know it hurts still because I see him with someone else and I hurt and torment myself with it.


But riddle me this if you can.... :)


I am friends with all but one of my exes, including my ex husband and his girlfriend (that he left me for). So if he has moved on, (and we will assume I'm not going to become

"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Glad for your sake that it is over. Hope you are doing well in your healing.


An A is different from other relationships in that it was an inappropriate, unhealthy relationship where boundaries were crossed.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010

thank you for the response E1 and all that is spot on.


I guess part of my 'mindset?" is from the experieince I had with my Xh. He left me 5 mo preg w daughter #2 and went right into another relationship. It was a horrendous pregnancy and I had to see him everyday.


I know I had a LOT of pain because it was a seperation I never saw coming and then he moved on so quickly too. It took me 2 1/2 years to get to the point where I ventured out to look for another relationship, but I don't remember how long it took before I trained myself/learned how to not care about what was going on in his life. a year? maybe from the time he left? I think... but this was also

"It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! I was doing so well till yesterday when XMM sent me an email wanting to be "friends". It killed me to read it. He said that he will always love me, still does, hopes that my M is going well and he wants to always know how I am doing and what I am up to, how the kids are...BLAH BLAH


Just getting one stupid email from him tore me up and I finally got to the point where I said to myself "I just cant do this". I cannot be friends with him. I wanted to for him, but I just cant.


When I think about it, I wonder if he just wants to be friends so he can say to himself "Hey, I didnt really screw her over!! See, we are still friends, laughing and joking here!"


I didnt email him back but I did draft one up that sums up my feelings and how there is no way we can be friends. I told him that I dont care to hear about his life or his M, especially when he used to tell me how lonely he was. I dont care to hear about his wonderful materialistic items because I thinks he hides his insecurities behind his lifestyle. Obviously I might tone down the anger vibe before I do send it, IF I do send it.


I needed this affirmation tonight ladies, I needed it bad!! I needed to know that friendship just wont work!!!!!


I love you ladies!!!!


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010

GMLB,

Oh gosh, I am so sorry that you received that text. My xAP has been up to similar kinds of tactics. We are in LC due to work/school. Today he said to me that he was sorry that i was so impacted by our inability to be together that i couldn't manage to make eye contact ... i can't tell you how badly i wanted to scream at him, like wtf?! Ego hello.

Anyway, please do not sent that email. Post it here instead so that we can help you to reflect on what you have written and to assist you to see where healing still needs to happen.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

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